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Volcano "The Moon Outside My Window" (Satirical Novel) (20) The Secret Agents

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  Volcano
  
  
  "The Moon Outside My Window"
  
  (Satirical Novel)
  
  
  
  Translated from the Russian by Alec Vagapov
  
  
  
  
  (20) The Secret Agents
  
  
  
   It happened on Sunday. Kalankhan Adalatov and I were walking around the market and I said:
   - Master, it has nearly slipped my mind. I, too, have to buy something.
   -What is it precisely? - Kalankhan Adalatov asked.
   - Birdseed. You see, our hens have stopped laying eggs - I answered.
   -We"ll take it for free. At least it will be dirt cheap for us. Your hens will be happy - the Director said.
   - Is it possible?- I asked in surprise.
   - Why not?
   -Well, if it is cheap we will buy a big quantity - I said.
   Adalatov took me to the seed and corn counter. We walked around as if picking and choosing the best seeds at a good price. Suddenly Adalatov stopped before a bearded man selling corn. Before bargaining Adalatov turned to me winking slyly. Then he withdrew his trade union membership card and showing it to the bearded man cried:
   - Don"t move! I am a secret criminal investigation agent! No use to resist! The market is encircled!
   On hearing that the bearded man turned pale, his hands hanging down like those of a cotton doll. Then, suddenly, he picked a plastic bucket, hit Kalankhan Adalatov bump on his head ran towards the gate stumbling and hitting on passers by. Kalankhan Adalatovich took the bucket off his head and shouted:
   - Stop him!
   We chased the bearded man running headlong like hunting dogs after hares. The distance shortened. When were about to get hold of him he suddenly threw his caftan down, and we fell down on the heap of tomatoes turning it to juice. The woman who was selling the tomatoes shouted attacking us with a flour-sack. She hit us a couple of times, so we turned white: our hair, eye-brows, eye-lashes, faces, clothes and all. The way we looked, even our own children wouldn"t recognise us.
   - Thanks for nothing! - I thought. It"s good that there were no bricks or cobbles in the sack.
   Looking at the free performance of ours the saleswomen roared with laughter. We looked like circus harlequins. We stopped to apologize to the woman selling tomatoes. Instead of pardoning us, she wanted to hit us with the sack again but presently Kalankhan Adalatov showed her his certificate and said:
   -We are secret agents of CID chasing a dangerous criminal.
   The woman gave us way in fear. We ran after the criminal again. There were voices coming from all around:
   - What"s going on here? Are they cinema produces, sort of? They must be shooting some comedy! What a place to shoot a film at, idiots!
   - We ran on and on and then the militiamen joined us in the chase. Suddenly the fugitive took a pistol out of his pocket and shot at one of the militiamen who fell down. The runaway had hit him in the leg. It caused panic at the market. People ran scattering in all directions with cries, shouts and curses resounding all around. Some thought something serious was happening. Someone shouted:
   - They are not shooting a comedy, it"s an action movie! They are not militiamen, they are actors! They must be pretending! Good boys! They are acting naturally! It will be a nice movie. That"s another pair of shoes! From now on the whole world will be watching Uzbek movies. It appears, we, too, have good actors and tough producers that do not waste people"s riches!
   Presently the criminal took the red faced taxman hostage putting the pistol to the poor man"s head. The latter got scared and, like a little boy, burst into tears. A few minutes later the barking of guard dogs resounded at the market. The special forces of militia have encircled the market.
   One of the officers, a loudspeaker in hand, started negotiating with the bandit. The latter put forward his conditions. He demanded two hundred thousand US dollars and a military helicopter. Otherwise, he threatened to kill the taxman. If in half an hour, he said, his conditions
  were not fulfilled the taxman would be collecting taxes in hell.
   То save the taxman"s life, the authorities agreed to pay the money and let him have a military helicopter as he had demanded.
   When the detectives had left to fetch the money, a mullah from the local mosque called the bandit for reason telling him not to commit a sin. The pirate wouldn"t listen. He said:
   - Don"t try to push me into the sack and hand me over to the cops, you traitor! You venal mullahs always serve the disgusting rulers by your stupid preaches and by pushing people into sacks.
   The mullah raised his hands to the sky and cursed the pirate
   At last the money had been delivered. The helicopter was also there. The detectives in flak jackets and helmets opened the case and showed the money to the bandit. Then they closed the case and pushed it to his feet. Sliding along the asphalt the case stopped at the bandit"s feet. The latter, holding the pistol against the taxman"s head, ordered:
   - Take the case!
   The taxman took the case with the trembling hand, and the bandit holding the taxman and sneering, made his way to the helicopter.
   At this point there came an audible discharge of gas from behind the taxman.
   Grimacing from the choking vapor the bandit muttered:
   - Uu-uu-gh! You brute! Ugh-ugh! You damned taxman!
   With these words the bandit fell down to the taxman"s feet. Seizing at the opportunity, the cops dashed off to the bandit and handcuffed him.
   Then we returned home.
   For three days I didn"t go out. Then I learnt that the state had awarded Kalankhan Adalatov with the medal "For Courage". As for me I was given a diploma.
   That"s not all - Adalatov said. He showed me a letter written in English. It was from the Secret Agency Bureau. They thanked me for the capture of the dangerous international terrorist who was under crime detection.
  
  
  
  
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