Бархатов Юрий Валерьевич: другие произведения.

Hamlet & Juliet

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  • Аннотация:
    Мини-пьеса для любительского театра. Издевательство над творчеством великого английcкого драматурга. ВНИМАНИЕ - в связи со спецификой своего появления на свет, написано на английском языке.


Hamlet&Juliet

Based by William Shakespeare

Characters:
Hamlet
Lady Macbeth, his mother, widow
Othello, her fiance
Juliet
King Lear, her father
His daughters:
Goneril
Regan
Titania, queen of fairies
1st witch
2nd witch

Prologue
Dark Wood
Two witches are cooking potion in big copper...

1st witch: What you have prepared for our potion, sister?
2nd witch: Oh, many things. These mushrooms, and roots, and this giant cockroach, to begin with.
1st witch: Good! Terrific!
2nd witch: And this dead rat.
1st witch: Marvelous!
2nd witch: And this bottle of Irish whisky.
1st witch: Hmm. And what about the main ingredient?
2nd witch: Here it is.
1st witch: (take the book and read) William Shakespeare's Plays. (Drop it in copper)
2nd witch: It's ready.
(They are drinking)
1st witch: (to audience) Drink it! You must drink it! It's a really cool cocktail! If you drink it, you can see incredible things! It's better them LSD!
2nd witch: I feel... It is beginning!

Act 1
Scene 1
In the King Lear's castle.
Juliet: My father! I have a request to you!
King Lear: Yes, Juliet? What do you want? Do your servants become lazy? Is your bed hard? Or, may by, you are ill?
Juliet: No, father, I hope not. I have fallen in love.
King Lear: Decent action for a young lady. And, who is the object of your love?
Juliet: His name is Hamlet.
King Lear: Hamlet? This stupid lazy bastard? I know his mother - Lady Macbeth - she is really scoundrel! And all of this infamous family are villains. No. No. You mustn't love such a person. I forbid you!
Juliet: But, father...
King Lear: I said - no! (Goes away)
Juliet: Oh, I'm so unhappy! (Cries)
(Juliet's sisters enter.)
Goneril: Hallo, Juliet.
Regan: Hallo, little sister.
Juliet: Oh, my dear sisters! Father forbids me to date Hamlet!
Goneril: Do you hear it, Regan?
Regan: Of course, Goneril!
Goneril: Juliet, we think our father is going crazy.
Regan: Became old and insane.
Goneril: An old fool, don't you see?
Regan: That's why he is so strict with you.
Goneril: with your feelings.
Regan: Yes. We think, we must rule the kingdom ourselves. Do you agree?
Juliet: Mm... are you sure about father?
Goneril: We have no doubt about him. Hey, guards, we are new the queens, Regan and I. Take Lear and bring him to Old people's home. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
Juliet: Dear sisters, may I see Hamlet now?
Regan: Of course not.
Juliet: Why?
Regan: Because...
Goneril: Because. You must obey to us. We are the queens.
Regan: Go to your room, Juliet. There is no time for such silly things as love!

Scene 2
In the Lady Macbeth's castle.
Hamlet: (to audience) Hallo, my friends! My name is Hamlet. And I can't solve the question. The question about sense of life. (Takes a bottle) To drink or not to drink - that is the question!
(Lady Macbeth enters.)
Lady Macbeth: Oh, Hamlet, you are drunk again. I think it is a bad habit.
Hamlet: Oh, mother, I'm so unhappy. I have fallen in love with Juliet, but you forbid me to marry.
Lady Macbeth: We have talked about it already. First, she is a bad girl. And all her relations are incarnations of Evil. And you are too young for marriage. And, after all, my own marriage is coming soon. My marriage with Othello. Oh, Othello!
(Othello enters.)
Othello: I'm here, my dear! (to Hamlet) Hi, boy! How is everything?
Hamlet: In no way. Talk of the devil and he is sure to come.
Othello: (to Lady Macbeth) what did he say?
Lady Macbeth: He said ?fineЃ.
Othello: Hmm. Polite young man. Let's go to bedroom, my dear.
Lady Macbeth: OK, let's go.
Hamlet: To eat this cucumber or not to eat? That is the question! And one more question: to sit here or to go to Juliet's house? I think to go!

Act 2
Scene 1
Night. Near Juliet's room. Outdoors. In the garden.
Hamlet: Here is the apartment of my Juliet. And I hear some voice and see some figure on the balcony.
Juliet: Who's here?
Hamlet: It's me.
Juliet: Who is - me?
Hamlet: And who are you?
Juliet: I'm Juliet, and I live here. And you, I guess, are a thief or a beggar. Go away!
Hamlet: No, I'm Hamlet. I couldn't wait to see you, and I have came to this garden.
Juliet: Oh, Hamlet. I'm so glad to see you! My sisters said terrible things about you and your family.
Hamlet: They lied!
Juliet: Of course, they lied. They told you are always drunk...
Hamlet: Hmm...
Juliet: And your mother is gonna marry a negro...
Hamlet: He's not a negro, He's just a black man from Africa with a dark color of skin. Don't be a xenophobic person!
Juliet: Oh, it does not matter! Dear Hamlet, I love you so warmly...
Hamlet: And I love you warmly too... with all my heart!
Juliet: But cruel fate and callous relations are separating us! We must do something about it.
Hamlet: What?
Juliet: May be we'll escape together?
Hamlet: I think, it's not the way. it's not the way for such a tragic individual as me. I have to fight my destiny, not cheat it.
voice of Regan: I hear a strange sound in the garden!
Juliet: Run away, Hamlet! Remember - I will love you forever!
Hamlet: Good by, my love! I must find the way to join Juliet!

Scene 2
Graveyard
Hamlet: Sad place, just for my mood. I will stay here for a few hours. May be a shadow of my father will come and say something. Oh! That's a nice scull! I will call it Yorick. Poor Yorick! But I feel I'm not alone. Who are you, Ladies?
1st witch: Oh, we are not ladies. We are common, poor witches...
2nd witch: Don't speak with him - he's only your delusion. (Witches go away)
Hamlet: Somebody else is here. Oh, I don't believe my eyes! A real ghost! Is it the ghost of my father? No, of course not! It is a beautiful ghost of a pretty girl!
Titania: I'm not a ghost, stupid human. You see Titania, queen of fairies!
Hamlet: Oh, I'm so sorry! Please excuse me! Forgive me, my lady!
Titania: This human is stupid but polite. Listen to me, human! I want to show you the reason of your misfortune, and help you. (Casts spell, Lear appears)
Hamlet: Is he the reason of my troubles?
King Lear: Miracle! I was in an Old people's home, and now I'm in a graveyard and alive! Young Hamlet? Nice to meet you! You know that my daughter, Juliet, loves you? You will be the best son-in-law for me!
Titania: You see, how a few days in Old people's home clean the mind? (To Hamlet) But reason of your troubles is another person, not poor Lear. This is Othello!
Hamlet: My mother's lover?
Titania: Not only. He is also the lover of Lear's older daughters. He is about to jilt all of them and rob there Castles. That's why he is doing harm to you, Hamlet!
King Lear: We must prevent his plans! Let's return to my castle and tell all about him!

Act 3
Scene 1
In the King Lear's castle.
Othello: Hallo, little Juliet. I have a dreadful message to you.
Juliet: That's happened?
Othello: Hamlet has gone to the graveyard and disappeared. May be witches have eaten him, or elves have taken him to hills, but he will never return, I'm sure.
Juliet: I'm gonna commit a suicide!
Othello: Let me present you this small dagger.
Juliet: My love! I'm following you into the Heavens! (kills herself)
(King Lear and Hamlet enter)
King Lear: Oh, my poor little daughter! She is dead! And I have no reason for living! (kills himself)
Hamlet: You, Othello, must pay for your crime!
Othello: You want a duel, boy? OK. But duel needs audience. And, as I see, the audience is here.
(Regan, Goneril and Lady Macbeth enter)
Regan, Goneril and Lady Macbeth: What is going on?
Othello: It's a duel. Hamlet against me.
Lady Macbeth: But, what is a reason?
Hamlet: After the duel, mom, I will tell you.
Othello: If you survive!
(Duel begins)
Regan: (to Lady Macbeth) How about a glass of wine?
Lady Macbeth: Thanks.
(All women are drinking)
Regan: (to Goneril) You didn't forget to poison the wine in Lady Macbeth's glass, I hope?
Goneril: No. (Lady Macbeth dies) Indeed, I poisoned the wine in a bottle.
Regan: You are... damned... fool... (dies)
Goneril: Why?... (dies too)
Othello: Prepare to die, boy!
Hamlet: Die yourself!
(kill each other)

Scene 2
Titania: Humans! These creatures so much love violence! (To audience) But it is not the end, don't hope! Hey, witches!
Witches: Yes, madam!
Titania: Give to this bodies a potion of resurrection!
All: I'm alive! Juliet! Hamlet! Scoundrel! Idiot!
Titania: For what do I always do this? They are irreparable!
All: Thank you, Lady Titania, for our resurrection!
Lady Macbeth and King Lear: And we understood that neither people, nor death can stop the real love. We declare that Hamlet-and-Juliet's wedding will be as soon as possible!
All: Today!
Titania: And now this is the end. The happy end...


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