Аннотация: A collection of funny stories dealing with politics and everyday life in Russia. Adapted for foreign readers. Regularly updated. Currently the number of short stories available on this Web page is 95
Dear Reader,
I am not the author of these stories, they were created by Russian people. I just collected them from various sources and translated into English.
These stories represent the psychology of Russian people, their sense of humor, their mode of life. I hope I have coped with the translation task and you will enjoy reading the stories.
1. What is the difference between a good girl secretary and a very good girl secretary?
A good girl secretary says to her boss: "Good morning!"
A very good girl secretary whispers gently to her boss's ear: "It's already morning"
2. General Secretary L. Brezhnev (famous for his narrow-mindness) once called for Russian astronauts and said to them: "The Americans landed on the Moon. Russian Government decided to outdo America. You will fly to the Sun!"
The astronauts began answering as usual: "We are always prepared to fulfil..." and then: "Why, comrade Brezhnev, we will be burnt!"
Brezhnev answered, frowning: "Do you think there are fools in our Government? You will fly in the nighttime!"
3. A circus came to one city. The inhabitants saw the advertisement: "Mr. Vasily will crack hazelnuts with his penis". All the women attended the evening show. In admiration they saw a robust fellow take out his penis and crack with it 15 hazelnuts on by one. After the show on of the women named Natasha managed to meet Mr. Vasily behind the scenes to express her personal admiration.
30 years passed. The same circus came to that city again. And again Mr. Vasily's show was advertised. Natasha saw the advertisement, remembered her previous meeting with Vasily, and of course attended the show. She saw the same man, who had grown older, crack coconuts with his penis. After the show Natasha managed to meet Mr. Vasily behind the scenes. She asked him: "I remember you previous visit to our city 30 years ago when you were cracking hazelnuts. What's the matter? Why are you cracking coconuts now?"
Vasily answered: "Well, nothing is the matter, only my eyesight has become much poorer. I can't make out hazelnuts: they are so small!"
4. A group of mountaineers is climbing up a high mountain. They are moving in line, one by one. Suddenly a snake bites the last mountaineer at his penis. He gets frightened and cries: "What shall I do?" The man who is in front of him passes the question on to the next man, the next man passes the question on to the next one, and so on until the question reaches the doctor, who is at the head of the line. The doctor answers: "Suck the poison out!" The mountaineers begin passing the answer on to one another until the answer reaches the man who is in front of the man bit by the snake. So the former turns to the latter and says: "The doctor says nothing can help you . You will die!".
5. Russian tourists are traveling about Paris in a bus. The guide says to them:" Look to the left. You can see Eiffel Tower, the pride of France. Look to the right. You can see women of easy virtue. Look to the left. You can see the Seine, the pride of Paris. Look to the right. You can see women of easy virtue. Look to the left. You can see Louver, the pride of French kings. Look to the right. You can see women of easy virtue." At last one of the tourists interrupts the guide: "Are there any decent women in Paris?" The guide answers: "Yes, there are, but they cost too much".
6. A boy came to the country to visit his grandfather. He spent there several days and got bored. The grandfather noticed it and said: "Wouldn't you like to take a rifle and dogs and go hunting in the forest?" The boy followed this advice. On spending several hours in the forest he returned alone and said: "How thrilling! Do you have any more dogs?"
7. It is good: Your daughter managed to find a job just after graduating from the university. It is bad: She works as a prostitute. It is very bad: some of your colleagues are her customers. It is very, very bad: She earns more money than you do.
8. It is good: At last your husband agrees with you not to have any more children.
It is bad: You can't find the pills. It is very bad: Your daughter has taken them.
9. Siberian fauna is very rich. Here you can find more than 16 000 of different species of insects and animals. For example, only of mosquitoes number 15,5 thousand species.
10. European Union countries forbade flights of Russian planes because they made much noise. "Well", - decided the administration of Aeroflot company, -"to reduce noise we must reduce sales of vodka on the flights".
11. Two friends are talking:
A: Boris, what would you say if you met a woman who would always forgive you everything, who would be kind hearted, gentle, attentive, and, to crown it all, would be a good cook?
B (on reflection): Well, I would say: "Hi, mom!"
12. In court:
The judge says to the accused man: - What can you say to explain your misdemeanor?
The accused man: - I returned home from work earlier than usual and found my wife lying completely naked in bed near the open window. And in the window I saw a man, dressed only in panties, running away. So I took the night table and threw it at that man.
The judge says to the victim: - What can you say about the incident?
The victim: - I was running a marathon distance when suddenly somebody threw at me a night table.
The judge says to the accused man's wife: - And what can you say?
The accused man's wife: - Well, it was very hot. I put my clothes off and lay down on bed near the open window.
Judge: - And what can you say, the witness?
The witness: - Why me? I was doing nothing, just quietly sitting within the night table.
13. A girl comes to a drug store in the morning. Judging by her looks she has spent a turbulent night. She says to the assistant: "Can you give me anything for hangover?" Then, after thinking hard, she adds: "And a pregnancy test, please."
14. General Secretary Brezhnev came on an official visit to the USA. In the White House he was invited to dinner and seeing the table laid with caviar, expensive vines, etc. asked President Carter: "Russian people would like to know where you got money to pay for such an expensive dinner". President Carter asked Brezhnev to come up to the window and said: "Can you see that bridge?" Brezhnev nodded in the affirmative. "Well", - proceeded Carter, - "We had in the budget $100 million allotted for the construction of the bridge. But we found a firm that built the bridge for $80 million. So we saved money and can afford such dinners".
Some time later President Carter visited Russia and in the Kremlin was invited to dinner. He saw the table laid with caviar, expensive vines, etc., and asked Brezhnev: "American people would like to know where you got money to pay for such an expensive dinner". Brezhnev asked Carter to come up to the window and said: "Can you see the bridge?" Carter began looking around staring intensely and finally said: "No, I can't!" "That is why we can afford such dinners", - explained Brezhnev.
15. Under the Soviet Union V.Lenin, the first leader of Soviet Russia, was glorified by official propaganda. According to it one of Lenin's traits was love for children, and he used to forward to children living in boarding houses all food that he received as presents. Hence the following funny story.
Lenin's secretary enters and reports: - Comrade Lenin, a delegation of Siberian peasants arrived.
Lenin: - Do they have any presents for me?
Secretary: - Yes, they have several pounds of fresh water fish.
Lenin: And how long did it take them to get to Moscow?
Secretary: Two weeks.
Lenin: Give all the presents to children in boarding houses.
16. Two rummies are going along the street reeling from side to side. One of them starts the conversation:
Max: - I bet you a dozen of vodka bottles that when my wife sees me her first word will be 'darling'
Alex: - Max, have you gone mad? You are dead drunk! And I know your wife too well!
Max: - Are you afraid of losing the bet?
Alex: - Well, let us make the bet, if you don't care a hug for a dozen vodka bottles.
In an hour they reach Max's house, he knocks and his wife opens the door.
Max: - Hi, darling! It's me!
Max's wife: - Darling??? Shut up and get out, you, asshole!
17. Once a three-headed dragon captured a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian.
'I will set you free', he said to them, 'on condition that you suggest such a continuation of the story that will make all my heads laugh. And this is the beginning of the story:
You come home and find your wife lying in bed with a lover.'
On reflection the Englishman said:
- Being a regular gentleman I will put off my clothes and join my wife and her lover.
One dragon's head gave a short laugh.
Then the Frenchman said:
- Being a regular gentleman I will invite my girl friend and we will join my wife and her lover.
Two dragon's heads laughed.
So it was Russian's turn. Dressed in shabby clothes, his face dirty, he began:
- Being a regular gentleman...
All dragon's heads burst out laughing.
18. A girl is preparing for her wedding night. The mother advises her:
- Before going to bed give your husband 10 oysters.
In the morning the mother finds her daughter weeping bitter tears and asks:
- What's the matter?
- I gave my husband 10 oysters, as you advised, but only four of them worked!
19. Correspondence between two friends living in different cities:
A (writes): I saved money and bought a house.
B (answers): I am drinking vodka.
A: I saved money and bought a car.
B: I am drinking vodka.
A: I saved money and got married.
B kept silent for a long time and then replied:
- I sold all the bottles, bought a house, a car, and got married!
20. A man who is very drunk invites his friend (also very drunk) to his place. It is late night. They come into the house, enter the dining room and the man says to his friend:
- Can you see that set of furniture? It is very expensive and looks nice, doesn't it?
Then they enter the kitchen. The man says to his friend:
- Can you see that magnificent frig? It is very expensive and looks nice, doesn't it?
Then they enter the bedroom. The man says to his friend:
- Can you see that enormous bed? It is very expensive and looks nice, doesn't it? And can you see my wife lying there on the bed? She looks nice, doesn't she? And can you see me lying there next to my wife? I look nice, don't I?
21. Conversation between the husband and his wife who is gazing at the mirror.
Wife: Darling, what do you appreciate most of all? My pretty face or my slender figure?
Husband: Darling, most of all I appreciate your sense of humour!
22. Alex fell in love with Lena, came home and told his parents: "I am going to marry Lena Petrova, our neighbors' daughter!" At hearing it Alex's father went pale and said: "Alex, I must tell you something in private. Let's go to the dining room". They went to the dining room where the father said to his son: "Alex, I am awfully sorry, but you can't marry Lena Petrova. You see, I really love your mother, but when I was younger I also loved Marina, Lena's mother. So, Lena is your sister!"
Alex suffered for 6 months and then one day came home and announced: "Old folks, I am marrying Natasha Pavlova who lives in the house on the other side of the street. At hearing it Alex's father went pale asked his son to go to the dinning room and repeated the same story about Natasha's being his daughter. Frustrated Alex rushed to his mother's room and cried: "Mother, I will never be able to marry! Dad seems to be the father of all young girls living in our street!"
Alex's mother smiled gently and said: "Take it easy, boy! Your dad may be the father of these girls, but he is sure not to be your father!"
23. The son comes up to his father and asks:
- Father, what's the difference between theory and practice?"
The father tells him:
- Go to your mother and ask her if she would agree to have sex with the first man she meets in the street on condition that the man pays her one million dollars.
The son goes to his mother, comes back and says:
- Mother said she would agree to do it.
- Now go to your elder sister and ask her the same question.
The son goes, comes back and says:
- She said she would agree to do it.
- That is the point, son! In theory we have one million dollars, and in practice we have two prostitutes.
24. The CIA conducts a competition among candidates for a killer position. During the last test the three remaining candidates were required to shoot their own wives.
One of them refused at once.
The other one entered the room where his wife was, spent there half an hour, came back and said:
- No, I can't kill her. I love her too much!
The third candidate entered the room; much noise, shots and cries were heard. Then he came out and cried:
"You, dirty pigs! You provided me with blank cartridges and I had to use the stool!
25. Boris, what about that cream, that your wife regularly buys at the drug store? Is this cream for face?
- No, it isn't. It is a contraceptive cream.
- Really?
- Yes, after applying it in the evening she looks so ugly, that nobody can approach her!
26. In a Parisian restaurant a customer drinks glasses of vodka, one by one. The man sitting next to him remarks:
B - Are you aware of the fact that each third Frenchman suffers from liver diseases because of drinking spirits?
A - That doesn't refer to me, I am Russian!
27. Mr. Putin, Russian Rresident, was born in St. Petersburg where he graduated from the university and worked as a KGB officer and vice-mayor. After coming to power he invited many persons from St. Petersburg to work in federal government. Hence the following funny story.
A man applied for a job in Russian federal government. In due time he was invited to an interview and asked the following questions.
- Are you from St. Petersburg?
- No, I aren't
- Did you work in St. Petersburg?
- No, I didn't.
- Do you have relatives in St. Petersburg?
- No, I don't.
- Do you have friends in St. Petersburg?
- No, I don't.
- What is your address?
- 65 St. Petersburg Avenue, Moscow.
- Why haven't you said it at once? Of course, you are admitted!
28.An 80-year old man comes to the doctor and asks him to test his sperm. The doctor gives the man a small jar and says:
- Tomorrow bring me this jar with your sperm.
The next day the man comes to the doctor with the empty jar.
- What's the matter? , - asks the doctor.
- Well, you see, - explains the man, - first I tried to use my left hand, then I used my right hand, but everything was in vain. Then my wife used her mouth without the dental plate, then with the dental plate, but all her efforts were in vain. Then we invited Mrs. Smith, our neighbor...
- What?? - exclaims shocked doctor, - you invited your neighbor??
- Oh, yes we did. We did our best but failed to open this bloody jar!
29.From the newsreel:
- For four days the distillery in Moscow has been seized by unknown persons. The terrorists haven't yet been able to formulate any demands...
30. Why are there three policemen in groups that patrol the streets?
- The first one can read, but cannot write. The second one can write, but cannot read. The third one, who can neither read or write, must take good care of the two intellectuals.
31. The County Inspector decided to attend a foreign language lesson in an elementary school so as to check up the quality of teaching. At the beginning of the lesson he came into the classroom and sat next to Boris, a slack student who was repeating the year. The young woman teacher began the lesson feeling very nervous.
- I will write a sentence in English, and you will translate it into Russian, - she told the class in trembling voice.
She began writing a sentence on the blackboard. Her piece of chalk fell to the floor. She stooped down, picked it up, and finished the sentence.
- So, who can translate the sentence?
Boris was the first to signal his wish to answer.
Teacher: - What is your translation, Boris?
Boris:-My translation is: 'You can enjoy your life with such an ass.'
Teacher: - What!? Take your bag and get out!
Boris took his bag, struck the Inspector's head with it, and said to him:
- Don't prompt, if you don't know the correct answer!
32. Young Ike comes home from school and joyfully says to his father:
- I am no longer a Jew! At the lesson we filled in questionnaires and I wrote that I am a Russian.
Father: - You are a Russian... Well, well... Did you go to school by car? Now you will go there by bus, as all Russians do.
Ike (to his mother): - Mom, I am a Russian!
Mother: What did you eat for dinner? Chicken? Now you will eat potatoes, as all Russians do.
Ike (to his grandfather): - I am a Russian!
Grandfather: - How much money did you get for your daily expenditure? 50 dollars? Now you will get 50 cents.
It's dinner. All the family is at table. The grownups eat chickens, and Ike eats potatoes. The grownups smile at each other and ask Ike, who looks rather sad:
- How do you like to be a Russian?
Ike: - I have been a Russian for only half an hour, and I feel such hatred for all of you, Jews!
33. The husband comes home from office and says to his wife:
- If somebody calls me, say to him/her that I am not at home.
Several minutes later the telephone rings.
Wife (answering the telephone call): - My husband is at home!
Husband: - You silly cow, I have just told you to say that I am out!
Wife (putting the receiver): - The telephone call was to me, not to you!
34. Boris went to school and at the first lesson said to the teacher, Mrs. Ivanova:
- I am too smart to study in the first grade. I must study in the third grade!
The teacher brought Boris to the headmaster, Mr. Lavrov, and explained the situation.
Headmaster: - Well, well... Let's test him. Boris, how much is 3x3?
Boris: - 9
Headmaster: - Correct! And how much is 6x6?
Boris: - 36
Headmaster: - Correct! Mrs. Ivanova, I think Boris can be moved up into the 3 grade.
Mrs. Ivanova: - Let's first test his logical thinking. Boris, the cow has four of them, and I have two of them. What are they?
The headmaster went pale.
Boris (on reflection): -Legs!
Mrs. Ivanova: - Correct! You have them in your trousers, and I don't have them in mine. What are they?
The headmaster went red.
Boris (on reflection): - Pockets!
Mrs. Ivanova: - Correct! Mr. Lavrov, I think we can move Boris up into the 3 grade.
Headmaster: - I can't agree with you. We can safely move Boris up into the 5 grade because I myself made mistakes answering your questions!
35. General Secretary Brezhnev and President Reagan decided to exchange their women secretaries. So Rachel went to Russia to work in the Kremlin and Natasha went to the USA to work in the White House. Some time later Rachel wrote to Natasha:
- Russians are very hospitable. But my Boss is strange in a way: he ordered to have my skirt made several inches longer.
Natasha answered:
- I have liked to work here: all people are polite and friendly. There is only one thing that troubles me. My Boss ordered to have my skirt made several inches shorter. My balls will be visible, I am afraid.
36. A Hollywood film star is quarrelling with the film director.
Film star (crying hysterically): - I know, you hate me, hate me! You are looking forward to my death! You are looking forward to the moment you will be able to spit on my grave!
Film director: Nonsense! I hate standing in long lines!
37. Mrs. Ivanova visited Mrs. Kirillova, her friend. She noticed that on all flower beds under the bedroom's window grow big cacti with sharp thorns.
Mrs.Ivanova: - Ann, it is very clever of you. You planted the cacti to prevent impudent men from intruding into your bedroom, didn't you?
Mrs.Kirillova: - Nothing of the kind! I planted the cacti to prevent men from jumping out of my bedroom!
38. Some pieces of advice for a woman who wants to marry.
- During the first evening that you spend with the man you want to marry always agree with him. Drink what he offers; go where he invites you to go, etc. But at the very last moment say to him: 'Oh, no! I have changed my mind!' Your partner will regard you as a reasonable, thoughtful woman.
- Some men pretend that they don't want to marry saying that they haven't enjoyed themselves yet, and that marriage for them is like a yoke. Never pay attention to it. You know much better what that stupid monster really needs.
- It would be good if you often wept. When the man comes to visit you, you should meet him with tear drops on your face - you haven't seen him for ages! When he comes you should weep because you are so happy to see him. When he goes home you should sob violently because he leaves you. Your prospective husband must see your sufferings and be aware of his fault that can be redeemed only by marriage.
- Never confess that you have a mother. Your mother can congratulate you after the wedding day.
- You mustn't earn more money than your fiance. To earn more money than he is a cowardly thing. Only prostitutes can do so.
39. Mary (to John): Darling, when we get married I will allow you to kiss me at the spots where nobody has ever kissed me!
John (a little bit frightened): What spots do you mean?
Mary: The Bahamas!
Many funny stories that are popular nowadays are about New Russians - people who became rich not because they are hardworking or capable, but because they use illegal, criminal methods.
40. A fashionable resort place. A new Russian standing on the balcony of his palace shouts to another new Russian, his neighbor.
Boris: Hey, Alex! Your mother-in-law fell into the pool where my crocodiles live!
Alex: And what of it? The crocodiles belong to you, so it is up to you to save them!
41.A new Russian decided to buy a new car. He went to the shop, chose a black Mercedes car, paid for it, and was going to get into the car when he was stopped by the shop assistant.
Shop assistant (shyly): Excuse me, Sir, may I ask you a question?
New Russian: Come on, boy.
Shop assistant: Sir, a week ago you bought at our shop just the same black Mercedes car. What's the matter? Is anything wrong with the car? Did you get into an accident?
New Russian: That car is OK, but the ash tray is full.
42. Mary: Yesterday when I was giving John a blow job he said that I was doing worse than Jane. I didn't say anything, just gritted my teeth.
43. Wife: Darling, today during the dinner break I dropped in your office and took $300 from your jacket's pocket.
Husband: Don't worry, I was dismissed from the office two weeks ago.
44. Jane married for the fifth time. Her new husband was baffled having found out that she was a virgin.
Husband: Jane, how did it happen that you were 4 times married remaining a virgin?
Jane: My first husband was a pianist; he could work only with his fingers. My second husband was a communist; he made promises without keeping them. My third husband was a programmer; he could make sex only via the Internet.
Husband: And what about the fourth husband?
Jane: He was a government official, and everything he did was through the asshole.
45. A young man and a pretty girl are traveling together in a compartment of a railway carriage.
The man is sitting opposite the girl and seems to be completely absorbed in reading a newspaper.
In half an hour the girl starts the conversation.