John Kendrick Bangs

1897 Harper and Brothers edition.

PASTE JEWELS

ПРЕДУВЕДОМЛЕНИЕ

Читателям этого сборника рассказов, если таковые окажутся, возможно, будет интересно узнать, что события, на которых основаны рассказы, к сожалению, полностью правдивы. Все они, за исключением "Драгоценности мистера Дж. Брэдли", в отношении которого прямо указано, что она была нанята из-за отсутствия других, ни одна из прислуги, ставшей известной или печально известной, в зависимости от обстоятельств, не была нанята, за исключением случаев, когда были представлены рекомендации, написанные ответственными лицами, какие могли быть должным образом предоставлены только самой безупречной прислуге. Именно этот последний факт указывает на мораль представленных здесь историй, если и не украшает их.

Дж. Х. Б.

THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS

They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked down the middle aisle of St. Peter's together.

Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions - looks difficult of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined timidity, if there can be such a quality expressed in the human face. It is the natural expression of one who knows that she has taken the most important step of her life, and, on turning to face those who have been bidden to witness the ceremony, observes that the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the same reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatre - to enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie's face showed nothing but that intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted; and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he turned and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus's amiability was his greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured in his life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept him in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say "No" to an important proposition he had made - a proposition, by-the-way, which resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for the trials and tribulations which followed.

Они были очень молоды и, возможно, чересчур благожелательны. Таддеусу было всего двадцать четыре, а Бесси - двадцать два, когда они, став единым целым, вместе прошли по среднему проходу собора Святого Петра.

Все отмечали, как мило она выглядела даже тогда; конечно, невеста, выходящая из церкви, не должна выглядеть неприветливо, но все мы знаем, как обычно выглядят невесты в таких случаях - внешность, которую трудно проанализировать, но, как ни странно, наводящую на мысль о робости, если таковая вообще возможна как качество, выраженное в человеческом лице. Это естественное выражение лица той, кто знает, что она сделала самый важный шаг в своей жизни, и, повернувшись лицом к тем, кого пригласили присутствовать на церемонии, замечает, что святость этого события несколько омрачена присутствием в церкви непрошеных любопытствующих, которые пришли почти по той же причине, что и в театр, - чтобы насладиться зрелищем. Но лицо Бесси не выражало ничего, кроме той глубокой приветливости, которой она отличалась всю свою жизнь; а что касается Таддеуса, то он не переставал улыбаться с того момента, как повернулся лицом к собравшимся, и до тех пор, пока дверца кареты не закрылась за ним и его невестой, и тогда, конечно, ему пришлось улыбнуться, потому что его губы были заняты другим. Действительно, благожелательность Таддеуса была его самым большим пороком. Его никто и никогда не мог бы обвинить в дурном характере, за исключением одного раза, и то в течение недели, когда Бесси держала его в напряжении, решая, не сказать ли "нет" в ответ на его предложение - предложение, которое привело к проведению этой церемонии и было в значительной степени ответственно за последовавшие за ней испытания и невзгоды.

Таддеус был богат - то есть у него был доход и профессия; их ждал очаровательный маленький домик в удобном пригороде; и, что самое главное, Бесси была искусной хозяйкой, обучавшейся этому искусству у лучших хозяек, каких только можно было найти в стране. И даже если она не до конца овладела искусством ведения домашнего хозяйства, Таддеус был уверен, что у них все будет хорошо, потому что их прислуга была настоящим украшением, унаследованным от матери Бесси, а к кухарке, хотя и несколько преклонного возраста, не было никаких претензий, поскольку она была известна в семье Таддеуса еще до рождения Таддеуса. Единственной неопределенной фигурой в доме была Нора, еще одна девушка-прислуга, которая была не только новенькой, но и с каштановыми волосами, выдававшими ее кельтское происхождение.

При таких обстоятельствах молодая пара вступила в жизнь, и многие смотрели на них с завистью. Поначалу, конечно, в доме все шло не так гладко, как могло бы быть - обеды подавались поздно и с меньшими церемониями, чем хотелось бы обоим; но, как сказала Бесси, когда они с Таддеусом однажды утром заканчивали завтракать: "А чего еще можно было ожидать?"

На что Таддеус, со своей обычной улыбкой, ответил: "В самом деле! Мы со старушкой Эллен ладим гораздо лучше, чем я думал".

Старушка Эллен была кухаркой, и Таддеус знал ее как "Старушку Эллен" еще до того, как его губы обрели способность произносить эти слова.

- У Эллен свои привычки, а у Джейн - свои, - сказала Бесси. - Когда Джейн привыкнет к тому, как Эллен готовит завтрак, она будет лучше разбираться в своей работе. Я думаю, что, возможно, кухарка немного резковата. Сегодня утром она довела Джейн до слез из-за омлета.

- Не годится, чтобы Эллен была маслянистой, а Джейн - водянистой, - ответил Таддеус. - Тогда они будут сочетаться еще хуже, чем когда-либо. Нам и так очень повезло.

- Я тоже так думаю, Тедди, - ответила Бесси, - но Джейн такая глупышка. Она могла бы сообразить, что лучше не давать Эллен квадратное блюдо для омлета, если омлет в длину в пять раз больше, чем в ширину.

- Но у вас дома, когда бы я ни был там, всегда готовили квадратные омлеты, - сказал Таддеус. - И я полагаю, Джейн считает, что раз так было там при твоей матери, то и здесь должно быть то же самое.

- Возможно, она так и считает, - ответила Бесси. - Но в вашей семье омлеты были продолговатыми, а Эллен слишком взрослая, чтобы отступать от своих традиций. Пожилые люди привыкают к своим методам, но пока результаты удовлетворительны, нам не следует проявлять осторожность в выборе методов.

- Нет, конечно, не стоит, - улыбнулся Таддеус, - но я не хочу, чтобы ты слишком сильно потакала Эллен, моя дорогая. Это твой дом, а не дом моей матери, и твои привычки должны быть такими, как принято в этом доме.

- С Эллен все в порядке, - ответила Бесси, - и я рада, что она у меня есть, поскольку, знаешь, Тедди, дорогой, она, пожалуй, знает, что тебе нравится, даже лучше, чем я, - естественно, ведь она выросла в твоей семье.

- Обрати внимание, моя дорогая. Эллен в нашем доме с незапамятных времен. Она задавала дома кулинарный тон. Мама всегда позволяла ей поступать по-своему, и, возможно, она немного избалована.

- Знаешь, Тедди, меня удивляет, что, прожив с Эллен столько лет, твоя мать была готова расстаться с ней.

- О, я могу это объяснить, - ответил Таддеус. - Я, знаешь ли, самый младший, остальные члены семьи достаточно взрослые, чтобы их можно было отнять от груди. Кроме того, отец постарел, и у него сложилось мнение, что удобства отеля предпочтительнее неудобств домашнего хозяйства. Отец любит принимать пищу в любое время суток, и система оповещения в отеле, с помощью которой вы можете мгновенно получить все, что угодно, от душа до угощения из черепахи, пришлась ему по душе. Он всегда был поклонником сказок о гениях и считает электрическую кнопку в хорошо оборудованном отеле самым близким аналогом знаменитой лампы Аладдина, известной науке. Вы нажимаете на кнопку, а ваши гении делают все остальное.

- Но отель - это не дом, - возразила Бесси.

- Отель - это не дом, - согласился Таддеус. - Я предпочитаю любовь в коттедже, но, Бесси, может быть, тебе... может быть, тебе не мешало бы поговорить с Джейн и Эллен сегодня утром об их разногласиях. Я уже опаздываю на час.

Затем Таддеус поцеловал Бесси и отправился на работу.

С отъездом Таддеуса жизнерадостность Бесси покинула ее, и впервые в жизни она почувствовала, что ей пойдет на пользу, если она сможет сорваться на ком-то - на ком-то, кто, однако, не был дорог сердцу Таддеуса или слишком тесно связан с ее собственной семьей, не на ком, кроме Норы, было выместить свое недовольство, которое она испытывала. Поэтому Нору разыскали и довольно категорично попросили сообщить, сколько времени прошло с тех пор, как она в последний раз вытирала пыль в гостиной; на что Нора смогла честно ответить: "Я сделала это сегодня утром, мэм". После чего желание Бесси быть неприятной улетучилось, и, сказав, что теперь Нора может вымыть окна в гостиной на втором этаже, она удалилась в свою уютную комнату для шитья, пока не подадут ленч. Она была немного раздосадована тем, что Нора проявила такую расторопность. Ничто так не оскорбляет молодую домоправительницу, как открытие, что унаследованные фамильные драгоценности, на которые она возлагала столько надежд, - всего лишь мелочь по сравнению с недавно приобретенной безделушкой, от которой мало что ожидали. Бесси подумала, что со стороны Норы было почти жестоко оставаться такой безупречно добросовестной, когда Джейн и Эллен начинали проявлять эксцентричность; но ее утешала мысль о том, что, когда они поживут вместе еще месяц или два, ее эксцентричность проявится сама собой и в конечном итоге сблизит их всех.

"Возможно, если я оставлю их в покое, - подумала Бесси, - они быстрее забудут о своих разногласиях. Пожалуй, я не стану вмешиваться".

В тот вечер, когда Таддеус вернулся домой, первое, что он сказал жене, было: "Полагаю, ты была ужасно придирчива сегодня утром, да? Спустилась на кухню и устроила разнос, как маленький тиран, да? Я боялся читать газету по дороге домой. Боялся узнать об ужасном происшествии в светской жизни. Попытки миссис Таддеус Перкинс поддерживать дисциплину в доме привели к фатальным последствиям. Двое старых слуг семьи погибли на месте, а три ножки кухонного стола были сломаны в результате домашней разборки!"

- Будь серьезен, Таддеус, - сказала Бесси.

И Таддеус мгновенно посерьезнел.

- Они... они ведь не покинули нас, правда? - прошептал он с благоговейным трепетом в голосе.

- Нет. Я... я подумала, пусть они разбираются между собой, - ответила Бесси. - Видишь ли, Таддеус, слуги - странные люди, и им не нравится, когда их разногласия улаживают не они сами. Все будет хорошо, если мы оставим их в покое.

- Не уверен, но ты, наверное, права, - сказал Таддеус после недолгого раздумья. - Они обе разумные девушки и способны сами решить свои проблемы. Давай поужинаем. Я голоден как медведь.

Ужин был подан в половине седьмого, в обычное время. Оставшееся время Джейн и Эллен потратили на то, чтобы уладить свои разногласия методом тихого обнюхивания, то есть Джейн нюхала, а Эллен молчала; а затем Эллен нюхала, а Джейн молчала. Что касается Таддеуса и Бесси, то они были скорее удивлены, чем рассержены, когда на большом блюде с говядиной подали милого маленького жареного цыпленка, приготовленного Бесси; а когда на стеклянной тарелке для салата появился горошек, Таддеус громко рассмеялся, но глаза Бесси увлажнились. Было слишком очевидно, что Джейн и Эллен не в ладах, и было очень нужно, чтобы кто-то растопил лед. К счастью, в тот вечер зашла мать Бесси, и она провела некоторое время внизу. Что она там сказала, знали только Эллен и Джейн, но это возымело свое действие, и в течение двух или трех недель прислуга работала почти так же хорошо, как и новенькая Нора, и вполне гармонично.

- Бесси, - сказал Таддеус однажды вечером, когда они ужинали, - тебе не кажется, что жаркое сегодня немного пережарено?

- Да, Тедди, оно очень сильно пережарено. Я должна поговорить об этом с Эллен. Она немного небрежна в некоторых вопросах. Я несколько раз говорила ей, что ты любишь, чтобы говядина была прожарена.

- Ну, я бы сказал ей еще раз. Капля камень точит, и я думаю, что, возможно, постоянное напоминание кухарке может сточить некоторые даже самые большие окаменелости - по крайней мере, до тех пор, пока они не истончатся настолько, что внушение сможет проникнуть в ее мозг. Ты могла бы также сказать ей, что вот уже несколько вечеров ужин подается холодным.

- Я поговорю с ней утром, - ответила Бесси, и милая маленькая женщина сдержала свое слово.

- Она объяснила насчет говядины и холодного ужина, Тед, - сказала она, когда Таддеус вернулся домой в тот день вечером.

- Надеюсь, все члены экипажа остались довольны? - спросил Таддеус со своей обычной улыбкой.

- Да, все прекрасно. На самом деле, я удивляюсь, как мы сами до этого не додумались. В старом доме, знаешь ли, обедали в шесть, а здесь в половине седьмого.

- Какое это имеет отношение к делу? - не понял Таддеус.

- Какой же ты тупой, Тедди! - воскликнула Бесси. - Разве ты не видишь, бедняжка так привыкла к шестичасовым ужинам, что уже в шесть все для нас готово? А если мы опоздаем на полчаса, блюдо, конечно, остынет; или если его подержать в духовке, как это было с говядиной вчера вечером, оно может оказаться пережаренным?

- Ну, конечно. Ха! Ха! Удивительно, что я об этом не подумал, - рассмеялся Таддеус, хотя его веселье и казалось немного натянутым. - Но... она... она собирается учесть наши новые правила, я полагаю?

- Она сказала, что постарается, - ответила Бесси. - Она была так мила, что у меня не хватило духу ее отругать.

- Я рад, - вот и все, что сказал Таддеус, и остаток ужина молчал. Раз или два он, казалось, собирался что-то сказать, но, очевидно, передумывал.

- Ты не устал сегодня, дорогой? - спросила Бесси, когда подали десерт.

- Нет. Почему ты спрашиваешь? - коротко осведомился Таддеус.

- О, ничего особенного. Мне показалось, ты немного не в себе, - ответила Бесси. - Тебе не следует слишком много работать.

- Нет, моя дорогая девочка, - сказал он. - Мне нужно работать, и я буду работать. Я весь ужин думал о тех девушках внизу. Возможно... возможно, лучше мне поговорить с ними, а? У тебя такое доброе сердце, и мне кажется, что они тебя немного обманули, вот и все. Салат сегодня был просто ужасен. Его следовало бы оставить на льду, а вместо этого он подается к столу в виде прошлогоднего букета.

Глаза Бесси наполнились слезами.

- Боюсь, это моя вина, - сказала она. - Мне следовало самой позаботиться о салате. Я всегда готовила его дома. Полагаю, Джейн достала его, ожидая, что я сама его приготовлю.

- Ладно, не бери в голову, - сказал Таддеус, желая успокоить встревоженную душу своей жены. - Я бы не стал говорить об этом, но Джейн слишком много думает, и часто не по делу. Слугам платят не за то, чтобы они думали.

- Вот что я тебе скажу, Таддеус, - заметила Бесси, к которой вернулась бодрость духа, - мы виноваты не меньше, чем они; мы слишком многое принимали как должное, и они тоже. Может, мы проведем вечер, составляя свод правил по ведению домашнего хозяйства? Это будет очень весело и, возможно, пойдет девочкам на пользу. Они должны понимать, что, хотя у наших родителей были свои пути - и разумные пути, - нет причин, по которым у нас не должно быть своих.

- Другими словами, - сказал Таддеус, - мы хотим составить своего рода Декларацию независимости.

- Именно так, - ответила Бесси.

- Лучше возьми грифельную доску и напиши их на ней, - предложил Таддеус с широкой улыбкой. - Тогда мы сможем стереть все, что не понравится Джейн и Эллен.

- Терпеть не могу, когда ты саркастичен, - надулась Бесси и побежала за блокнотом и карандашом.

Вечер прошел так, как она и предполагала, и, когда они удалились на покой, дом Перкинсов получил конституцию и подзаконные акты.

- Не думаю, что узнаю свое окружение, когда вернусь домой сегодня вечером, - сказал Таддеус, проснувшись утром.

- Почему бы и нет? - спросила Бесси. - Но что за странное превращение должно произойти?

- Дисциплина будет очень строгой, - ответил Таддеус. - Полагаю, ты немедленно введешь в действие наши правила?

- Я думала об этом, - сказала Бесси через мгновение. - Видишь ли, Тэд, в ведении домашнего хозяйства есть очень много вещей, с которыми ни ты, ни я еще не знакомы, и мне кажется, что, может быть, нам лучше немного подождать, прежде чем навязывать эти правила девочкам; было бы неловко потом что-то менять, ты же знаешь.

- В этом что-то есть, - ответил Таддеус, - но, в конце концов, не так много, как ты, кажется, думаешь. У всех правил есть исключения. Я не сомневаюсь, что кухарка будет возражать против большинства из них.

- Это то, чего я боюсь, и, поскольку она такая старая, мне кажется, я должна уважать ее чувства немного больше, чем, например, чувства Норы. Я могу только сказать тебе, что в любом случае сниму с Норы часть работы.

- Я думаю, было бы хорошо, если бы ты это сделала, - сказал Таддеус. - Я боюсь, что Нора умрет, если ты этого не сделаешь. Она слишком много работает, чтобы быть настоящей прислугой - знаешь, настоящая прислуга не перетруждает себя.

- Не будь легкомысленным, Таддеус. Это очень серьезное дело. Нора хорошая девочка, как ты и сказал. Она работает так много и так быстро, что я действительно устаю от нее, и меня постоянно угнетает мысль о том, что она может закончить все, что делает, прежде чем я смогу придумать, чем еще занять ее время. Но с ней нам не нужно осторожничать так, как мы осторожничаем с Джейн и Эллен. Она молода и восприимчива к новым впечатлениям. Она может принять новые правила, в то время как они могут их не принять. А теперь я предлагаю подождать, пока мы не поймем, можем ли мы оставить все как есть и не сеять раздор в нашем доме.

- Эдема без змея не бывает, - вздохнул Таддеус. - Мне не совсем нравится идея приспосабливать наши правила к особенностям их характера.

- Дело не в этом, дорогой. Я тоже этого не хочу, но мы ведь не хотим без необходимости мешать им в их работе, требуя, чтобы они делали ее в соответствии с нашими правилами.

- Президент Республики - ты, - сказал Таддеус. - Ты управляешь делами так, как тебе удобно, и я верю, что у нас будет самое процветающее учреждение в мире, прежде чем мы об этом узнаем. Если бы это был вопрос бизнеса, я бы придерживался этих правил или умер; но я полагаю, ты не можешь управлять домом так, как если бы он был коммерческим предприятием. Думаю, ты права. Отложим принятие правил на неделю. Почему бы сначала не рассказать о них твоей маме?

- Я думала об этом, - ответила Бесси. - Но потом мне пришло в голову, что, поскольку Эллен всегда служила под началом твоей матери, было бы лучше, если бы мы посоветовались с ней.

- Мне так не кажется, - сказал Таддеус. - Она наверняка посоветовала бы тебе не устанавливать никаких правил, а если устанавливать, то сначала проконсультироваться по этому вопросу с кухаркой, в результате чего Эллен стала бы президентом, а мы с тобой - налогоплательщиками. Она управляла нашим старым домом, и посмотри, к чему это привело!

- К чему? - спросила Бесси.

- Мать и отца перевезли в отель, а все дети женились и вышли замуж.

- Это ужасно, - рассмеялась Бесси.

Введение правил было отложено. Не сомневаюсь, что они так и остались бы в архиве на неопределенный срок, если бы Таддеус не попросил друга провести с ним несколько недель. Бесси с каждым днем все больше сомневалась в их ценности, а сам Таддеус предпочитал комфорт спокойного, хотя и несколько нерегулярного образа жизни суматохе, которая, вероятно, последует за введением неприятных правил для аристократов, живущих на нижних этажах. Приезд друга Таддеуса все изменил.

Этот друг был пожилым человеком, у него было свое дело и своя система. Например, он всю свою жизнь завтракал в семь, обедал в час и ужинал в половине седьмого, о чем Таддеус знал, когда пригласил его сделать штаб-квартирой свой загородный дом, пока его собственный дом ремонтировался, а семья жила за границей. Таддеус также знал, что время завтрака и ужина, согласно режиму Бесси, формально было временем его друга, и поэтому он смог заверить мистера Лискомба, что его приезд никоим образом не нарушит обычную безмятежность домашнего пруда. Доверчивый друг приехал. Завтрак номер один подали через пятнадцать минут после назначенного времени, и впервые за десять лет мистер Лискомб опоздал на работу. Он еще не совсем оправился от огорчения, вызванного его опозданием, когда в тот вечер сел ужинать в доме Таддеуса, опоздав на час и десять минут, так как Эллен отправилась в город, чтобы купить пару туфель для одного из детей своей сестры, страдавшей от бедности и зубной боли.

- Надеюсь, вы не сильно задержались сегодня утром, мистер Липскомб, - сказала Бесси после ужина.

- О нет, вовсе нет! - запротестовал Лискомб, достаточно вежливый, чтобы сказать неправду, хотя и противоположное тоже было частью его системы.

- Эллен нужно поторопить с завтраком, - сказал Таддеус. - Его следует подавать ровно в семь. Ты говорила с ней об этом?

- Нет, но собираюсь, - ответила Бесси. - Я первым делом скажу ей об этом завтра после завтрака. Я собиралась поговорить об этом сегодня, но, когда спустилась вниз, ее уже не было дома.

- У нее выходной?

- Нет, ее сестра заболела, и за ней послали. Она предупредила, куда направляется, Джейн.

- Это было очень любезно с ее стороны, - вежливо сказал Лискомб.

- Да, - ответила Бесси. - Эллен - замечательная женщина.

Позже вечером, около половины десятого, когда мистер Лискомб, утомленный волнениями первого рабочего дня, проведенного не в соответствии с расписанием, установленным с детства, удалился, Таддеус воспользовался случаем, чтобы сказать:

- Бесси, я думаю, тебе лучше сказать Эллен, чтобы она подала завтрак пораньше, сегодня вечером, перед тем как мы ляжем спать.

- Хорошо, - ответила Бесси, - сейчас спущусь и поговорю, - и она спустилась вниз. Через мгновение она вернулась. - Бедняжка так устала, - сказала она, - что легла спать, как только приготовили ужин, поэтому я не могла ей ничего сказать.

- Почему ты не передала ей это через Джейн?

- О, она, должно быть, уже спит!

- О! - воскликнул Таддеус.

На следующее утро Эллен открыла глаза в девять часов. Завтрак подали на полчаса раньше, Джейн и Бесси приготовили несколько яиц, которые Бесси съела в одиночестве, поскольку Таддеушу и Лискомбу, голодным и несчастным, пришлось ехать в город восьмичасовым поездом. Лискомб очень доброжелательно сказал об этом Таддеусу, но его бухгалтер рассказал печальную историю о раздражении своего работодателя, когда тот вернулся домой в тот вечер. Что касается Таддеуса, то он высказал свое мнение прямо - Лискомбу. Бесси так и не поняла, что он сказал, и никто из слуг тоже; но он сказал это Лискомбу, и, как позже заметил Лискомб, во время разговора казался совершенно другим человеком, настолько яростным и решительным он был. В тот вечер от Лискомба пришла телеграмма, в которой говорилось, что он неожиданно задержался и что, поскольку у него дома есть несколько дел, требующих его внимания, он считает, что не вернется раньше воскресенья.

Бесси почувствовала облегчение, а Таддеус разозлился.

- Мы ДОЛЖНЫ ввести эти правила, - сказал он.

И вот правила были обнародованы. Эллен восприняла их с невозмутимым безразличием, Джейн - с негодованием, если хлопанье дверей в разных частях дома в тот день о чем-то говорило. Нора приняла их безропотно. Для Норы не имело значения, в какой день она подметала гостиную, и, похоже, ее это не слишком волновало, поскольку ее "домашние дни" были перенесены, так что ее выходной день пришелся на пятницу, а не на четверг.

- Эллен говорила что-нибудь о правилах, моя дорогая? - спросил Таддеус неделю или две спустя.

- Ни слова, - ответила Бесси.

- А она их смотрела?

- Возможно, - ответила Бесси.

- У нее есть возражения против каких-нибудь из них?

- Нет, - сказала Бесси, - и я поняла почему. Она их не читала.

Таддеус помолчал с минуту. Затем довольно твердо для себя произнес:

- Она должна их прочитать.

- ДОЛЖНА - это сильно сказано, Тедди, - ответила Бесси, - особенно учитывая, что Эллен не умеет читать.

- Тогда тебе следует прочитать их ей.

- Я тоже так думаю, - дружелюбно ответила Бесси. - Я собираюсь сделать это очень скоро, думаю, послезавтра.

- Что сказала Джейн? - спросил Таддеус, закусив губу.

Бесси покраснела. Джейн выразилась довольно резко, и Бесси немного побаивалась рассказывать Таддеусу о том, что она сказала и сделала.

- О, ничего особенного, - ответила она. - Она... она сказала, что никогда не носила чепцы, как простая прислуга, и не собирается начинать сейчас; и потом, ей не нравится чистить серебро по субботам после обеда, потому что серебряная пудра попадает ей на ногти; и это действительно очень плохо, Тедди, потому что субботним вечером к ней в гости приходят подруги, а серебряную пудру, знаешь ли, ужасно трудно счистить с ногтей; а девушке, конечно, хочется выглядеть опрятной, когда к ней приходят гости.

- Разумеется, - сказал Таддеус. - И, судя по внешнему виду медной каминной решетки, она не любит полировать ее в среду, потому что в четверг, когда у нее выходной, у нее болит спина.

Глаза Бесси снова наполнились слезами.

- Неужели каминная решетка так плохо выглядит, Тед? - спросила она.

- Она отвратительна, - ответил Таддеус.

- Прости, дорогой, но я сделала все, что могла. Я сама отполировала ее сегодня днем; Джейн пришлось уехать на похороны.

- О боже! - воскликнул Таддеус. - Эта тема для меня слишком сложна. Давай пойдем куда-нибудь, куда угодно, на концерт. Музыка обладает очарованием, способным успокоить дикаря, а я - это просто воплощение дикости сегодня вечером. Одевайся, Бесс, и поторопись, а то я задохнусь.

Бесси сделала, как ей было велено, к десяти часам счастливая пара забыла о своих горестях, и я не думаю, что они вспомнили бы о них снова в тот вечер, если бы, вернувшись домой, не обнаружили, что дверь заперта.

На этот раз рассердилась даже чересчур мягкая Бесси - очень рассердилась - несправедливо, как выяснилось впоследствии.

- В конце концов, они ни в чем не виноваты, - объяснила она Таддеусу, когда он вернулся домой на следующий вечер. - Я поговорила с ними об этом, - все они решили, что мы останемся на ночь у твоих родителей в Оксфорде.

- Они очень вдумчивые, - сказал Таддеус.

Шло время. "Сокровища" поступали, как им заблагорассудится; сомнительная рыжеволосая Нора продолжала проявлять свою раздражающую деловитость. Дни Бесси проходили в ожидании неприятного разговора с Джейн или Эллен - "завтра". Прежняя улыбка Таддеуса стала менее постоянной - то есть она всегда была видна, когда Бесси была рядом с ним, но когда Бесси отсутствовала, улыбка также исчезала. Его раздражала эта тирания прислуги, но ему ни разу не пришло в голову, что было бы неплохо побеседовать с Эллен и Джейн самому; впрочем, позвав их однажды для серьезного разговора, он обратился к ним очень мягко, одарил аудиторию улыбкой и почувствовал себя под их влиянием более чем когда-либо прежде.

Затем что-то произошло. День прошел, а на следующий Таддеус был свергнут даже с номинального поста главы дома. Появился молодой Таддеус, Таддеус весом в восемь фунтов, кругленький, краснощекий, лысый Таддеус, который больше походил на прежнего Таддеуса, чем на самого себя; и тогда, в период, когда мужчина чувствует себя последним среди ничтожеств, обрел ли наш герой однажды чистое счастье, помимо гордости за то, что он отец, - добавилось ли удовлетворение от того, что Джейн и Эллен признают его превосходство? Не ошибутся те, кто скажет "нет". Эти драгоценные камни склонились не перед Таддеусом-младшим. Они склонились перед доброй женщиной, которая пришла присматривать за малышом и его матерью.

- Она великолепна, - сказал себе Таддеус, наблюдая, как Джейн суетится, выполняя приказ временной хозяйки положения, как никогда раньше.

- Она - вторая Елизавета, - усмехнулся Таддеус, слушая, как заказ передается по шахте кухонного лифта от дородной императрицы момента к дрожащей королеве кухни.

- Она немного склонна к диктаторству, - прошептал Таддеуш своей газете, когда монарх всех стран, за которыми она наблюдала, отдавал ЕМУ приказы. - Но даже в такой республике, как наша, бывают времена, когда диктатор - это преимущество. Я терпеть не могу видеть, как женщина плачет, но то, как рыдала Джейн, когда миссис Браун устроила ей сегодня утром разнос, было прекраснее, чем Ниагара.

Но, увы! такое счастливое положение дел не могло длиться вечно. У Таддеуса только-только начали налаживаться отношения с миссис Браун, когда ее пригласили в другое место.

- Прибавление в семействе необходимое условие для человека ее профессии, - вздохнул Таддеус; а затем, подумав о том, чтобы самому взять бразды правления в свои руки, он снова вздохнул и пожелал, чтобы миссис Браун навсегда осталась в доме. - И все же, - добавил он, скорее чтобы успокоить себя, чем потому, что у него были какие-то твердые убеждения, - все же появление в доме ребенка изменит ситуацию, и Эллен с Джейн будут вести себя лучше теперь, когда дополнительные обязанности Бесси возлагают на них больше ответственности.

На какое-то время пророчество Таддеуса сбылось. Эллен и Джейн действительно вели себя лучше в течение почти двух месяцев, а затем - но зачем повторять старую историю? Затем все вернулось на круги своя, и они стали еще более деспотичными, чем прежде. Бесси была так занята с маленьким Тедом, что домашние дела за пределами детской находились под их исключительным контролем. Таддеус терпел это - я хочу сказать благородно, но, думаю, лучше было бы сказать с трудом, - но у него было веское оправдание для этого.

- Мать постоянно заботится о ребенке, - сказал он, - это ответственность, которая отнимает у нее все время и внимание. Я не думаю, что мне стоит усложнять ситуацию, ссорясь со слугами.

И так продолжалось. Прошел год, и еще один год. Красивый дом начинал казаться старым. Расцвет его молодости совершенно некстати увял - ведь дом, безусловно, никогда не должен увядать, - но у него был мальчик, который все больше восхищал своего отца, так зачем жаловаться? Лучше такая спокойная жизнь, чем семейные раздоры.

Затем мальчик внезапно заболел. Пришел врач и покачал головой.

- Вы должны отвезти его на берег моря, - сказал он. - Это его единственный шанс.

И они отправились на берег моря, оставив сокровища охранять дом.

- Я верю в вас, - сказал Таддеус Джейн и Эллен утром в день отъезда, - поэтому решил оставить дом на ваше попечение. Миссис Перкинс хочет, чтобы вы вели себя так, как если бы она была здесь. Вы можете делать все, что считаете нужным, чтобы устроиться поудобнее. До свидания.

- Какое это утешение, - сказала Бесси, когда они добрались до берега моря и впервые ощутили эту печальную роскошь - тоску по дому, - какое это утешение - знать, что девушки обо всем позаботятся! Пустой дом - это такой соблазн для воров.

- Да, - сказал Таддеус. - Я надеюсь, что они не будут слишком много развлекаться.

- Эллен и Джейн слишком взрослые для таких вещей, - ответила Бесси.

- А как насчет Норы?

- О, я забыла тебе сказать. Норе нечего было делать по дому, поэтому я сказал ей, что она может уехать и пожить у матери.

- Хорошо! - сказал Таддеус с довольной улыбкой. - Экономия - неплохая идея, особенно когда вы останавливаетесь на побережье.

В таком удовлетворенном настроении они прожили несколько недель. Мальчик с каждым днем набирался сил, и, наконец, Таддеус почувствовал, что ребенок достаточно окреп, чтобы можно было вернуться домой на ночь, "просто посмотреть, как идут дела". В том, что у девушек все в порядке, он, конечно, не сомневался; регулярность, с которой письма, адресованные ему из дома, - а их было много, - доходили до него, убедила его в этом; но корзина с недельным бельем, которую должны были прислать Эллен и Джейн и которую ожидали в понедельник, не прибыла. Мальчик носил одно и то же платье четыре дня, воротнички у Таддеуса были помяты, и в целом он чувствовал себя немного неловко. Поэтому он воспользовался случаем и отправился домой, прихватив с собой друга, из уважения к которому он заранее телеграфировал Эллен, чтобы та приготовила хороший завтрак, не заботясь об обеде, поскольку он и его спутник собирались пообедать в клубе и сходить в театр, прежде чем отправиться к нему домой.

Результат был бы фатальным для душевного равновесия Бесси, если бы она узнала об этом во время своего отсутствия дома. Но Таддеус никогда не рассказывал ей, пока это не стало достоянием древней истории, что, вернувшись домой вскоре после полуночи, он обнаружил, что там никого нет, и был вынужден впустить своего друга через окно гостиной; что сверху донизу особняк свидетельствовал о том, что после отъезда семьи он не видел ни метлы, ни щетки для сбора пыли; что Джейн отсутствовала целую неделю - об этом сообщили те, кто жил по соседству; что Эллен отсутствовала с раннего утра и не должна была вернуться в течение трех дней; и, в довершение всего, на следующее утро он, Таддеус, и его друг были вынуждены завтракать половиной пирога с заварным кремом, слегка заплесневевшего, найденного хозяином на быстро тающем льду в холодильнике. Что бы случилось, не сопровождай Таддеуса друг, чей смех побуждал его к великим поступкам, я не готов сказать, но что-то важное действительно произошло. Таддеус оказался на высоте положения и совершил поступок, поступок решительный. Прежний Таддеус, кроткий, многострадальный, слишком любезный Таддеус, исчез. Равно как и его знаменитая улыбка. Его жена отсутствовала, и улыбка была далеко-далеко вместе с ней. Таддеус одним движением разорвал свои оковы и стал свободным.

В тот день, когда он вернулся на побережье, Бесси спросила его: "Как тебе понравился дом?"

- Очень, - ответил Таддеус, совершенно искренне, потому что так оно и было.

- Эллен что-нибудь говорила о корзине?

- Ни слова.

- Ты говорил с ней об этом?

- Нет.

- О, Тедди! Как ты мог забыть?

К чести Таддеуса, следует сказать, что он стойко перенес все это.

- Ты хорошо позавтракал, Тед? - спросила Бесси, возвращаясь к этой теме позже.

- Да, - ответил Таддеус, вспоминая об обильном ужине, который они с товарищем по несчастью съели в клубе после возвращения в город. - У нас был омлет с помидорами, кофе, тосты, рисовые лепешки, стейк из вырезки и овсянка.

- Боже мой! - улыбнулась Бесси; она была так рада, что за ее Тедом так хорошо ухаживали. - Все это? Эллен, должно быть, выложилась по полной.

- Да, - сказал Таддеус, - я думаю, так оно и было.

Всю следующую неделю у Таддеуса, казалось, на душе лежал тяжелый груз, - груз, который он решительно отказывался делить со своей женой, - и в пятницу он счел необходимым съездить в город.

- Я думала, у тебя отпуск, - возразила Бесси.

- Да, это так, - сказал Таддеус. - Но... но мне нужно уладить одно или два дела... дела очень большой важности... так что, думаю, мне пора.

- Если должен, то должен, - вздохнула Бесси. - Но, по-моему, это ужасно со стороны твоего партнера - заставлять тебя возвращаться в город в такую жару.

- Не сердись на моего партнера, - сказал Таддеус, - особенно на моего партнера в этом деле.

- У тебя разные партнеры по разным вопросам? - спросила Бесси.

- Не обращай на это внимания, моя дорогая, со временем ты все узнаешь, так что не волнуйся.

- Хорошо, Тедди. Но мне не нравится, что ты оставляешь меня, когда я в отеле. В любом случае, я предпочла бы быть дома. Разве я не могу поехать с тобой? Маленький Тед уже достаточно окреп, чтобы вернуться.

- Не в этот раз, но вы можете поехать в следующую среду, если хотите, - ответил Таддеус с легким смущением.

Итак, все было улажено, и Таддеус отправился в город. В среду все они покинули берег моря, чтобы вернуться в Филлипсбург.

- О, как здесь чудесно! - воскликнула Бесси, входя в дом, дверь которого открыла Нора. - Но... э-э... где Джейн, Нора?

- Готовит ужин, мэм.

- Джейн не умеет готовить.

- Пожалуйста, мэм, это новая Джейн.

Зонтик Бесси упал на пол.

- Что-о-о? - воскликнула она.

- Новая Джейн. Мистер Перкинс избавился от старых Джейн и Эллен, мэм.

Бесси бросилась наверх в свою комнату и разрыдалась. Потрясение было слишком внезапным. Она попросила Таддеуса, оставшегося на вокзале, забрать из багажного вагона ванночки и другие вещи ребенка. Что все это значило? Джейн и Эллен ушли! На их места пришли новые девушки!

А потом прибыл Таддеус и все объяснил маленькой женщине, и когда он закончил, она осталась довольна. Он сверг тиранов и заменил их. Последнее и было тем важным делом, которое привело его в город.

- Но, Тедди, - с улыбкой спросила Бесси, выслушав все, - как у тебя, бедняжки, хватило смелости встретиться лицом к лицу с этими двумя женщинами и уволить их?

Тедди покраснел.

- Я этого не делал, - кротко ответил он. - Я им написал.

С тех пор прошло пять лет, и все идет хорошо. Таддеус свободен от тирании, и, как он с гордостью отмечает, прислуга теперь трепещет при его приближении - то есть все, кроме Норы, которая помнит его таким, каким он был раньше. Эллен и Джейн живут вместе в достатке, на жалованье, отложенное за весь срок своей "службы". Бесси счастлива, у нее есть два прекрасных мальчика, которым она уделяет все свое внимание - все, за исключением небольшого количества, отведенного для Таддеуса; а что касается сомнительной, рыжеволосой и явно кельтской Норы, то Таддеус боится, что она превращается в "сокровище".

- Почему ты так думаешь? - спросила его Бесси, когда он впервые высказал свои опасения.

- О, появились несомненные симптомы, - ответил Таддеус. - На этой неделе она взяла три выходных.

MR. BRADLEY'S JEWEL

Thaddeus was tired, and, therefore, Thaddeus was grumpy. One premise only was necessary for the conclusion - in fact, it was the only premise upon which a conclusion involving Thaddeus's grumpiness could find a foothold. If Thaddeus felt rested, everything in the world could go wrong and he would smile as sweetly as ever; but with the slightest trace of weariness in his system the smile would fade, wrinkles would gather on his forehead, and grumpiness set in whether things were right or wrong. On this special occasion to which I refer, things were just wrong enough to give him a decent excuse - outside of his weariness - for his irritation. Norah, the housemaid, had officiously undertaken to cover up the shortcomings of John, who should have blacked Thaddeus's boots, and who had taken his day off without preparing the extra pair which the lord of the manor had expected to wear that evening. It was nice of the housemaid, of course, to try to black the extra pair to keep John out of trouble, but she might have been more discriminating. It was not necessary for her to polish, until they shone like Claude Lorraine glasses, two right boots, one of which, paradoxical as it may seem, was consequently the wrong boot; so that when Thaddeus came to dress for the evening's diversion there was nowhere to be found in his shoe-box a bit of leathern gear in which his left foot might appear in polite society to advantage. Possibly Thaddeus might have endured the pain of a right boot on a left foot, had not Norah unfortunately chosen for that member a box-toed boot, while for the right she had selected one with a very decided acute angle at its toe-end.

Таддеус устал, и, следовательно, Таддеус был раздражен. Для заключения была необходима только одна предпосылка - фактически, это была единственная предпосылка, на которой мог основываться вывод, связанный с раздражительностью Таддеуса. Если бы Таддеуш чувствовал себя отдохнувшим, все в мире могло бы пойти наперекосяк, и он улыбался бы так же мило, как всегда; но при малейшем признаке усталости улыбка исчезала, на лбу собирались морщины, и появлялось раздражение, независимо от того, было ли что-то правильно или неправильно. В этом особом случае, о котором я говорю, все было достаточно неправильно, чтобы дать ему достойный повод - помимо усталости - для раздражения. Нора, горничная, любезно взялась исправить недостатки Джона, который должен был почистить ботинки Таддеуса и который взял выходной, не приготовив дополнительную пару, которую хозяин поместья собирался надеть в этот вечер. Конечно, со стороны горничной было мило попытаться выкрасить дополнительную пару в черный цвет, чтобы уберечь Джона от неприятностей, но она могла бы быть более разборчивой. Ей не пришлось полировать, пока они не засверкали, как очки Клода Лоррена, два подходящих ботинка, один из которых, как это ни парадоксально, оказался не тем ботинком, так что, когда Таддеуш пришел переодеваться для вечернего развлечения, в его обувной коробке ничего не оказалось что-то вроде кожаного снаряжения, в котором его левая нога могла бы выгодно смотреться в приличном обществе. Возможно, Таддеуш и стерпел бы боль от ношения правого ботинка на левой ноге, если бы Нора, к несчастью, не выбрала для этого члена группы ботинок с квадратным носком, в то время как для правой она выбрала ботинок с очень острым углом на конце носка.

"Just like a woman!" ejaculated Thaddeus, angrily.

"Yes," returned Bessie, missing Thaddeus's point slightly. "It was very thoughtful of Norah to look after John's work, knowing how important it was to you."

Fortunately Thaddeus was out of breath trying to shine up the other pointed-toe shoe, so that his only reply to this was a look, which Bessie, absorbed as she was in putting the studs in Thaddeus's shirt, did not see. If she had seen it, I doubt if she would have been so entirely happy as the tender little song she was humming softly to herself seemed to indicate that she was.

"Some people are born lucky!" growled Thaddeus, as he finished rubbing up the left boot, giving it a satin finish which hardly matched the luminous brilliance of its mate, though he said it would do. "There's Bradley, now; he never has any domestic woes of this sort, and he pays just half what we do for his servants."

"Прямо как женщина!" - сердито воскликнул Таддеус.

"Да", - ответила Бесси, слегка пропустив мимо ушей замечание Таддеуса. "Со стороны Норы было очень заботливо присматривать за работой Джона, зная, как это важно для тебя".

К счастью, Таддеус запыхался, пытаясь начистить вторую остроносую туфлю, так что единственным ответом ему на это был взгляд, которого Бесси, поглощенная тем, что прикалывала запонки к рубашке Таддеуса, не заметила. Если бы она увидела это, я сомневаюсь, что она была бы так же счастлива, как та нежная песенка, которую она тихо напевала себе под нос, о чем, казалось, свидетельствовала.

"Некоторые люди рождаются счастливчиками!" - проворчал Таддеус, закончив натирать левый ботинок, придавая ему матовый оттенок, который едва ли соответствовал сияющему блеску его второго ботинка, хотя он и сказал, что этого вполне достаточно. - А вот и Брэдли; у него никогда не бывает подобных домашних неприятностей, и он платит его слугам вдвое меньше, чем мы.

"Oh, Mr. Bradley. I don't like him!" ejaculated Bessie. "You are always talking about Mr. Bradley, as if he had an automaton for a servant."

"No, I don't say he has an automaton," returned Thaddeus. "Automatons don't often work, and Bradley's jewel does. Her name is Mary, but Bradley always calls her his jewel."

"I've heard of jewels," said Bessie, thinking of the two Thaddeus and she had begun their married life with, "but they've always seemed to me to be paste emeralds - awfully green, and not worth much."

"There's no paste emerald about Bradley's girl," said Thaddeus. "Why, he says that woman has been in Mrs. Bradley's employ for seven weeks now, and she hasn't broken a bit of china; never sweeps dust under the beds or bureaus; keeps the silver polished so that it looks as if it were solid; gets up at six every morning; cooks well; is civil, sober, industrious; has no hangers-on - "

"Is Mr. Bradley a realist or a romancer?" asked Bessie.

"Why do you ask that?" replied Thaddeus.

- О, мистер Брэдли. Он мне не нравится! - воскликнула Бесси. - Вы всегда говорите о мистере Брэдли так, словно у него слуга-автомат.

"Нет, я не говорю, что у него есть автомат", - возразил Таддеус. "Автоматы не часто работают, а "драгоценность Брэдли" работает. Ее зовут Мэри, но Брэдли всегда называет ее своей драгоценностью".

- Я слышала о драгоценностях, - сказала Бесси, думая о тех двух, с которыми они с Таддеусом начинали свою супружескую жизнь, - но мне они всегда казались вставными изумрудами - ужасно зелеными и не слишком дорогими.

- В девушке Брэдли нет ничего изумрудного, - сказал Таддеус. - Он говорит, что эта женщина работает у миссис Брэдли уже семь недель и за это время не разбила ни кусочка фарфора; никогда не подметает пыль под кроватями или комодами; начищает серебро до блеска, чтобы оно выглядело как цельное; встает каждое утро в шесть; готовит здоров; вежлив, трезв, трудолюбив; не имеет прихлебателей...

- Мистер Брэдли реалист или романтик? - спросила Бесси.

- Почему вы об этом спрашиваете? - спросил Таддеус.

"That jewel story sounds like an Arabian Nights tale," said Bessie. "I don't believe that it is more than half true, and that half is exaggerated."

"Well, it IS true," said Thaddeus. "And, what is more, the girl helps in the washing, plays with the children, and on her days out she stays at home and does sewing."

Bessie laughed. "She must be a regular Koh-i-noor," she said. "I suppose Mr. Bradley pays her a thousand dollars a month."

"No, he doesn't; he pays her twelve," said Thaddeus.

"Then he is just what I said he was," snapped Bessie - "a mean thing. The idea - twelve dollars a month for all that! Why, if she could prove she was all that you say she is, she could make ten times that amount by exhibiting herself. She is a curiosity. But if I were Mrs. Bradley I wouldn't have her in the house. So many virtues piled one on the other are sure to make an unsafe structure, and I believe some poor, miserable little vice will crop out somewhere and upset the whole thing."

"You are jealous," said Thaddeus; and then he went out.

- Эта история с драгоценностями звучит как сказка из "Тысячи и одной ночи", - сказала Бесси. - Я не верю, что в ней больше половины правды, а половина преувеличена.

- Что ж, это правда, - сказал Таддеус. "И, более того, девушка помогает в стирке, играет с детьми, а в выходные дни остается дома и занимается шитьем".

Бесси рассмеялась. "Должно быть, она настоящая кохинхинка", - сказала она. - Полагаю, мистер Брэдли платит ей тысячу долларов в месяц.

- Нет, он платит ей двенадцать, - сказал Таддеус.

- Тогда он именно такой, каким я его назвала, - отрезала Бесси, - подлец. Сама идея - двенадцать долларов в месяц за все это! Да ведь если бы она смогла доказать, что она именно такая, как ты говоришь, она могла бы зарабатывать в десять раз больше, выставляя себя напоказ. Она вызывает любопытство. Но, будь я миссис Брэдли, я бы не пустила ее в дом. Так много добродетелей, нагроможденных одна на другую, наверняка создадут ненадежную конструкцию, и я верю, что какой-нибудь жалкий маленький порок где-нибудь проявится и все испортит."

- Ты ревнуешь, - сказал Таддеус и вышел.

The next day, meeting his friend Bradley on the street, Thaddeus greeted him with a smile, and said, "Mrs. Perkins thinks you ought to take up literature."

"Why so?" asked Bradley.

"She thinks De Foe and Scott and Dumas and Stevenson would be thrown into the depths of oblivion if you were to write up that jewel of yours," said Thaddeus. "She thinks your Mary is one of the finest, most imaginative creations of modern days."

"She doubts her existence, eh?" smiled Bradley.

"Well, she thinks she's more likely to be a myth than a Smith," said Thaddeus. "She told me to ask you if Mary has a twin-sister, and to say that if you hear of her having any relatives at all - and no domestic ever lived who hadn't - to send her their addresses. She'd like to employ a few."

На следующий день, встретив на улице своего друга Брэдли, Таддеус поприветствовал его улыбкой и сказал: "Миссис Перкинс считает, что тебе следует заняться литературой".

"Почему так?" - спросил Брэдли.

"Она считает, что Дефо, Скотт, Дюма и Стивенсон были бы преданы забвению, если бы вы написали об этом своем шедевре", - сказал Таддеус. "Она считает, что ваша Мэри - одно из самых прекрасных и творческих творений современности".

- Она сомневается в своем существовании, да? - улыбнулся Брэдли.

"Ну, она думает, что она скорее миф, чем Кузнец", - сказал Таддеус. - Она велела мне спросить вас, есть ли у Мэри сестра-близнец, и передать, что, если вы услышите о том, что у нее вообще есть родственники - и не было ни одной домашней прислуги, у которой их не было бы, - пришлите ей их адреса. Она хотела бы нанять кого-нибудь из них.

"I am sorry Mrs. Perkins is so blinded by jealousy," said Bradley, with a smile. "And I regret to say that Mary hasn't a cousin on the whole police force, or, in fact, any kind of a relative whatsoever, unless she prevaricates."

"Too bad," said Thaddeus. "I had a vague hope we could stock up on jewels of her kind. Where did you get her, anyhow - Tiffany's?"

"No. At an unintelligence office," said Bradley. "She was a last resort. We had to have some one, and she was the only girl there. We took her for a week on trial without references, and, by Jove! she turned out a wonder."

- Мне жаль, что миссис Перкинс так ослеплена ревностью, - с улыбкой сказал Брэдли. - И я с сожалением должен сказать, что у Мэри нет ни кузины во всей полиции, ни вообще каких-либо родственников, если только она не лукавит.

- Жаль, - сказал Таддеус. - У меня была смутная надежда, что мы сможем запастись драгоценностями такого рода. Кстати, где ты ее купил - у Тиффани?

"нет. На офицера разведки, - сказал Брэдли. "Она была последней надеждой. Нам нужен был кто-то, и она была единственной девушкой, которая там работала. Мы взяли ее на неделю без рекомендаций, и, ей-богу! она оказалась чудом".

Thaddeus grinned, and said: "Give her time, Bradley. By-the-way, at what hours is she on exhibition? I'd like to see her."

"Come up to-night and test the truth of what I say," said Bradley. "I won't let anybody know you are coming, and you'll see her just as we see her. What do you say?"

The temptation was too strong for Thaddeus to resist, and so it was that Bessie received a telegram that afternoon from her beloved, stating that he would dine with Bradley, and return home on a late train. The telegram concluded with the line, "I'M GOING TO APPRAISE THE ESCAPED CROWN-JEWEL."

Bessie chuckled at this, and stayed up until long after the arrival of the last train, so interested was she to hear from Thaddeus all about the Bradley jewel, who, as she said, "seemed too good to be true"; but she was finally forced to retire disappointed and somewhat anxious, for Thaddeus did not return home that night.

Таддеус ухмыльнулся и сказал: "Дай ей время, Брэдли. Кстати, в котором часу она выставляется? Я бы хотел ее увидеть".

"Приходите сегодня вечером и убедитесь в правдивости моих слов", - сказал Брэдли. - Я никому не скажу, что ты приедешь, и ты увидишь ее так же, как видим ее мы. Что скажешь?

Искушение было слишком велико, чтобы Таддеуш смог устоять, и в тот же день Бесси получила телеграмму от своего возлюбленного, в которой говорилось, что он пообедает с Брэдли и вернется домой поздним поездом. Телеграмма заканчивалась фразой: "Я СОБИРАЮСЬ ОЦЕНИТЬ СБЕЖАВШУЮ ДРАГОЦЕННОСТЬ ИЗ КОРОЛЕВСКОЙ КОРОНЫ".

Бесси посмеялась над этим и не ложилась спать еще долго после прибытия последнего поезда, так ей было интересно услышать от Таддеуса все о бриллианте Брэдли, который, по ее словам, "казался слишком хорошим, чтобы быть правдой"; но в конце концов она была вынуждена уйти разочарованной и несколько встревоженной, потому что В ту ночь Таддеус не вернулся домой.

Somewhere in the neighborhood of eight o'clock the next morning Bessie received a second telegram, which read as follows:

"DO NOT WORRY. I AM ALL RIGHT. WILL BE HOME ABOUT NINE, HAVE BREAKFAST."

"Now I wonder what on earth can have kept him?" Bessie said. "Something has happened, I am sure. Perhaps an accident on the elevated, or maybe - "

На следующее утро, где-то около восьми, Бесси получила вторую телеграмму следующего содержания::

"НЕ ВОЛНУЙСЯ. СО мной ВСЕ В ПОРЯДКЕ. БУДУ ДОМА ОКОЛО ДЕВЯТИ, ПОЗАВТРАКАЮ".

"Интересно, что же могло его задержать?" - Что-то случилось, - сказала Бесси. - Я уверена, что-то случилось. Возможно, несчастный случай на эстакаде, или, может быть...

She did not finish the sentence, but rushed into the library and snatched up the morning paper, scanning its every column in the expectation, if not hope, of finding that some horrible disaster had occurred, in which her Thaddeus might have been involved. The paper disclosed nothing of the sort. Only a few commonplace murders, the usual assortment of defalcations, baseball prophecies, and political prognostications could Bessie discover therein. Never, in fact, had the newspaper seemed so uninteresting - not even a bargain-counter announcement was there - and with an impatient, petulant stamp of her little foot she threw the journal from her and returned to the dining-room. It was then half-past eight, and, hardly able to contain herself with excitement, Bessie sat down by the window, and almost, if not quite, counted every swing of the pendulum that pushed the hands of the clock on to the desired hour. She could not eat, and not until curiosity was gratified as to what it was that had detained Thaddeus, and what, more singular still, was bringing him home instead of sending him to business at nine o'clock in the morning, could she, in fact, do anything.

Она не закончила фразу, а бросилась в библиотеку и схватила утреннюю газету, просматривая каждую колонку в ожидании, если не в надежде, что обнаружит, что произошла какая-то ужасная катастрофа, в которую мог быть вовлечен ее Таддеус. В газете ничего подобного не говорилось. Бесси смогла обнаружить в нем лишь несколько банальных убийств, обычный набор просчетов в расчетах, бейсбольные пророчества и политические прогнозы. Никогда еще газета не казалась ей такой неинтересной - там не было даже объявлений о распродажах, - и, нетерпеливо топнув ножкой, она отбросила журнал и вернулась в столовую. Было уже половина девятого, и Бесси, с трудом сдерживая волнение, села у окна и почти, если не совсем точно, сосчитала каждый взмах маятника, который переводил стрелки часов на нужный час. Она не могла есть, и, пока не было удовлетворено любопытство относительно того, что же задержало Таддеуса и что, что еще более странно, привело его домой вместо того, чтобы отправить на работу в девять часов утра, она, в сущности, не могла ничего предпринять.

Finally, the grinding sounds of carriage wheels on the gravel road without were heard, and in an instant Bessie was at the door to welcome the prodigal. And what a Thaddeus it was that came home that morning! His eyes showed conclusively that he had had no sleep, save the more or less unsatisfactory napping which suburban residents get on the trains. His beautiful pearl-gray scarf, that so became him when he left home the previous morning, was not anywhere in sight. His cheek was scratched, and every button that his vest had ever known had taken wings unto itself and flown, Bessie knew not whither. And yet, tired out as he was, dishevelled as he was, Thaddeus was not grumpy, but inclined rather to explosive laughter as he entered the house.

"Why, Thaddeus!" cried Bessie, in alarm. "What on earth is the matter with you? You look as if you had been in a riot."

"That's a pretty good guess, my dear," returned Thaddeus, with a laugh, "but not quite the right one."

"But tell me, what have you been doing? Where have you been?"

"At Bradley's, my love."

"You haven't been - been quarrelling with Mr. Bradley?"

Наконец снаружи послышался скрежет колес кареты по гравию, и в тот же миг Бесси оказалась у двери, чтобы поприветствовать блудного сына. И какой же это был Таддеус, который вернулся домой в то утро! По его глазам было ясно, что он совсем не спал, если не считать того более или менее непродолжительного сна, который бывает у жителей пригородов в поездах. Его красивого жемчужно-серого шарфа, который так шел ему, когда он выходил из дома прошлым утром, нигде не было видно. Щека у него была поцарапана, и все пуговицы, которые когда-либо были на его жилете, обрели крылья и улетели, Бесси не знала куда. И все же, несмотря на усталость и взъерошенный вид, Таддеус, войдя в дом, не стал сердиться, а, напротив, разразился взрывным смехом.

- Что ты, Таддеус! - в тревоге воскликнула Бесси. - Что, черт возьми, с тобой такое? У тебя такой вид, словно ты участвовала в беспорядках.

- Это довольно удачное предположение, моя дорогая, - со смехом ответил Таддеус, - но не совсем верное.

"Но скажи мне, что ты делала? Где ты была?"

"У Брэдли, любовь моя".

- Вы... вы не ссорились с мистером Брэдли?

"No. Bradley's jewel has proved your husband's Waterloo, as well as the Sedan of Bradley himself," returned Thaddeus, throwing his head back and bursting out into a loud guffaw.

"I am not good at riddles, Thaddeus," said Bessie, "and I haven't laughed much myself since that last train came in last night and didn't bring you. I think you might tell me - "

"Why, my dear little girl," said Thaddeus, walking to her side and kissing her, "I didn't mean to keep you in suspense, and of course I'll tell you."

"нет. "Драгоценность Брэдли" стала для вашего мужа настоящим "Ватерлоо", как и "Седан" самого Брэдли, - ответил Таддеус, запрокидывая голову и разражаясь громким хохотом.

- Я не сильна в разгадывании загадок, Таддеуш, - сказала Бесси, - и я сама мало смеялась с тех пор, как прошлой ночью пришел последний поезд, а тебя не было. Я думаю, ты мог бы мне сказать...

- Ну что ты, моя дорогая малышка, - сказал Таддеус, подходя к ней и целуя, - я не хотел держать тебя в неведении, и, конечно, я тебе расскажу.

Then, as they ate their breakfast, Thaddeus explained. "I told Bradley that you were a sceptic on the subject of his jewel," he said, "and he offered to prove that she was eighteen carats fine by taking me home with him, an unexpected guest, by which act he would test her value to my satisfaction. Of course, having cast doubts upon her excellence, I had to accept, and at half-past five he and I boarded an elevated train for Harlem. At six we stood before Bradley's front door, and as he had left his keys at the office, he rang the bell and waited. It was a long wait, considering the presence of a jewel within doors. It must have lasted fifteen minutes, and even that would have been but the beginning, in spite of repeated and continuous pulling of the bell-handle, had we not determined to enter through the reception-room window."

"Did you try the basement door?" queried Bessie, with a smile, for it pleased her to hear that the jewel was not quite flawless.

Затем, когда они позавтракали, Таддеус объяснил. - Я сказал Брэдли, что вы скептически относитесь к его драгоценности, - сказал он, - и он предложил доказать, что в ней восемнадцать каратов, пригласив меня к себе домой, неожиданного гостя, и таким образом, к моему удовлетворению, он проверит ее ценность. Конечно, усомнившись в ее профессионализме, я был вынужден согласиться, и в половине шестого мы с ним сели на поезд, следующий в Гарлем. В шесть мы стояли перед парадной дверью Брэдли, и, поскольку он оставил ключи в офисе, он позвонил и стал ждать. Ожидание было долгим, учитывая, что за дверью находилась драгоценность. Оно продолжалось, должно быть, минут пятнадцать, и даже это было бы только началом, несмотря на неоднократное и непрерывное дерганье за ручку звонка, если бы мы не решили войти через окно приемной."

- Ты пробовал открыть дверь в подвал? спросила Бесси с улыбкой, потому что ей было приятно услышать, что камень не совсем безупречен.

"Yes," said Thaddeus. "We rang four times at the basement, and I should say seven times at the front door, and then we took to the window. Bradley's is one of those narrow English-basement houses with a small yard in front, so that the reception-room window is easy to reach by climbing over the vault leading to the basement door, which is more or less of a cellar entrance. Fortunately the window was unlocked. I say fortunately, because it enabled us to get into the house, though if I were sitting on a jury I think I should base an indictment - one of criminal negligence - of the Jewel on the fact that it was unlocked. It was just the hour, you know, when policemen yawn and sneak-thieves prowl."

"How careless!" vouchsafed Bessie.

"Да", - сказал Таддеус. "Мы позвонили четыре раза в подвал и, я бы сказал, семь раз в парадную дверь, а затем подошли к окну. "Брэдли" - это один из тех узких английских домов с цокольным этажом и небольшим двориком перед входом, так что до окна приемной легко добраться, перелезая через подвал, ведущий к двери в подвал, которая, по сути, является входом в подвал. К счастью, окно было не заперто. Я говорю "к счастью", потому что это позволило нам проникнуть в дом, хотя, если бы я был присяжным, я думаю, что мне следовало бы выдвинуть обвинение - в преступной халатности - в отношении Драгоценности на основании того факта, что она была не заперта. Знаете, это был как раз тот час, когда полицейские зевают, а воры-подхалимы шныряют по дому".

- Какая беспечность! - заметила Бесси.

"Very," said Thaddeus. "But this time it worked for the good of all concerned, although my personal appearance doesn't give any indication that I gained anything by it. In fact, it would have been better for me if the house had been hermetically sealed."

"Don't dally so much, Thaddeus," put in Bessie. "I'm anxious to hear what happened."

"Очень", - сказал Таддеус. "Но на этот раз это сработало на благо всех заинтересованных сторон, хотя мой внешний вид никак не указывает на то, что я чего-то добился от этого. На самом деле, для меня было бы лучше, если бы дом был герметично закрыт".

- Не тяни время, Таддеус, - вмешалась Бесси. - Мне не терпится узнать, что случилось.

"Well, of course Bradley was very much concerned," continued Thaddeus. "It was bad enough not to be able to attract the maid's attention by ringing, but when he noticed that the house was as dark as pitch, and that despite the clanging of the bell, which could be heard all over the neighborhood, even his wife didn't come to the door, he was worried; and he was more worried than ever when he got inside. We lit the gas in the hall, and walked back into the dining-room, where we also lighted up, and such confusion as was there you never saw! The table-cloth was in a heap on the floor; Bradley's candelabra, of which he was always so proud, were bent and twisted out of shape under the table; glasses broken beyond redemption were strewn round about; and a mixture of pepper, salt, and sugar was over everything."

"'I believe there have been thieves here,' said Bradley, his face turning white. And then he went to the foot of the stairs and called up to his wife, but there no answer.

"Ну, конечно, Брэдли был очень обеспокоен", - продолжил Таддеус. "Было достаточно плохо, что он не мог привлечь внимание горничной звонком, но когда он заметил, что в доме темно, как в смоле, и что, несмотря на звон колокольчика, который был слышен по всей округе, даже его жена не подошла к двери, он он был встревожен, и когда вошел внутрь, то встревожился еще больше, чем когда-либо. Мы зажгли газ в прихожей и вернулись в столовую, где тоже зажгли, и там был такой беспорядок, какого вы никогда не видели! Скатерть была свалена в кучу на полу; Канделябры Брэдли, которыми он всегда так гордился, валялись под столом погнутые и скрученные до неузнаваемости, повсюду были разбросаны разбитые бокалы, а все было посыпано смесью перца, соли и сахара."

"Я думаю, здесь побывали воры", - сказал Брэдли, побледнев. Затем он подошел к лестнице и позвал свою жену, но ответа не последовало.

"Then he started on a dead run up the stair. Above all was in confusion, as in the dining-room. Vases were broken, pictures hung awry on the walls; but nowhere was Mrs. Bradley or one of the Bradley children to be seen.

"Then we began a systematic search of the house. Everywhere everything was upside-down, and finally we came to a door on the third story back, leading into the children's play-room, and as we turned the knob and tried to open it we heard Mrs. Bradley's voice from within.

"'Who's there?' she said, her voice all of a tremble.

"'It is I!' returned Bradley. 'Open the door. What is the meaning of all this?'

Затем он со всех ног бросился вверх по лестнице. Наверху, как и в столовой, царил беспорядок. Вазы были разбиты, картины криво висели на стенах, но нигде не было видно ни миссис Брэдли, ни кого-либо из детей Брэдли.

- Затем мы начали систематический обыск в доме. Везде все было перевернуто вверх дном, и, наконец, на третьем этаже мы подошли к двери, ведущей в детскую игровую комнату, и, когда мы повернули ручку и попытались открыть ее, изнутри донесся голос миссис Брэдли.

"Кто там?" - спросила она дрожащим голосом.

"Это я!" - ответил Брэдли. "Откройте дверь. Что все это значит?"

"'Oh, I'm so glad you have come!' returned Mrs. Bradley, with a sob, and then we heard sounds as of the moving of heavy furniture. Mrs. Bradley, for some as yet unexplained reason, seemed to have barricaded herself in.

"Finally the door was opened, and Mrs. Bradley buried her face on her husband's shoulder and sobbed hysterically.

"'What on earth is the matter?' asked Bradley, as his children followed their mother's lead, except that they buried their faces in his coat-tail pockets. 'What has happened?'

"'Mary!' gasped Mrs. Bradley."

"The jewel?" asked Bessie.

"The same," returned Thaddeus, with a smile. "She was the jewel, alas! now deprived of her former glorious setting.

"'What's the matter with Mary?' asked Bradley.

"О, я так рада, что вы пришли!" - всхлипнув, ответила миссис Брэдли, и тут мы услышали звуки, похожие на передвижение тяжелой мебели. Миссис Брэдли, по какой-то пока необъяснимой причине, похоже, забаррикадировалась.

Наконец дверь открылась, и миссис Брэдли уткнулась лицом в плечо мужа и истерически зарыдала.

"Что, черт возьми, случилось?" - спросил Брэдли, когда его дети последовали примеру матери, только спрятали лица в карманы его пальто. - Что случилось?

- Мэри! - ахнула миссис Брэдли.

- Драгоценность? - спросила Бесси.

- То же самое, - с улыбкой ответил Таддеус. - Увы, она была драгоценностью! теперь лишенной своей прежней великолепной оправы.

"Что случилось с Мэри?" - спросил Брэдли.

"'She's been behaving outrageously. I found her this morning,' said Mrs. Bradley, 'rummaging through my escritoire, throwing things all over the floor; and when I remonstrated she said she was looking for a sheet of paper on which to write a letter. I told her she should have asked me for it, and she replied impertinently that she never asked favors of anybody. I told her to leave the room, and she declined to do it, picking up a sofa-pillow and throwing it at me. I was so overcome I nearly fainted.'"

"I should think she would have been overcome! Such impudence!" said Bessie.

"Она вела себя возмутительно. - Сегодня утром я застала ее за тем, - сказала миссис Брэдли, - что она рылась в моем секретере, разбрасывая вещи по всему полу, а когда я попыталась возразить, она сказала, что ищет лист бумаги, чтобы написать письмо. Я сказал ей, что она должна была попросить меня об этом, а она дерзко ответила, что никогда ни у кого не просила одолжений. Я велел ей выйти из комнаты, но она отказалась это сделать, взяла диванную подушку и запустила ею в меня. Я была так потрясена, что чуть не упала в обморок".

- Я думала, она была бы потрясена! Какая наглость! - воскликнула Бесси.

"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "That isn't a marker to what followed. Why, according to Mrs. Bradley's story, that escaped Koh-i-noor called her all sorts of horrible names, threw an empty ink-pot at a photograph of Bradley himself, that stood on the mantel, and then, grabbing up a whisk-broom, literally swept everything else there was on the mantel off to the floor with it. This done, she began to overturn chairs with an ardor born of temper, apparently; and, finally, Mrs. Bradley got so frightened that she ran from the room, and the jewel started in pursuit. Straight to the nursery ran the lady of the house - for there was where the children were, playing house, no doubt, with little idea that jewels sometimes deteriorated. Once in the nursery, Mrs. Bradley slammed the door to, locked it, and then, still fearful, rolled before it the bureau and the children's cribs. After that the actions of the jewel could only be surmised. The door was pounded and the atmosphere of the hall was rent with violent harangues; then a hurried step was heard as the jewel presumably sailed below-stairs; then crashings were heard - crashings which might have indicated the smashing of windows, of picture-glass, of mirrors, chairs, and other household appurtenances, after which, Mrs. Bradley observed, all became still."

"Mercy! what a trial!" said Bessie. "And was she locked up in the nursery all day?"

"Хм!" - сказал Таддеус. "Это не имеет отношения к тому, что последовало за этим. Почему, согласно рассказу миссис Брэдли, сбежавший Кох-и-нур обзывал ее всякими ужасными словами, запустил пустой чернильницей в фотографию самого Брэдли, стоявшую на каминной полке, а затем, схватив веник, буквально подмел все, что там было. каминная полка упала вместе с ним на пол. Покончив с этим, она принялась переворачивать стулья с пылом, по-видимому, порожденным вспыльчивостью; и, в конце концов, миссис Брэдли так испугалась, что выбежала из комнаты, а драгоценность бросилась в погоню. Хозяйка дома побежала прямиком в детскую, потому что там были дети, которые, без сомнения, играли в дом, не подозревая, что драгоценности иногда портятся. Оказавшись в детской, миссис Брэдли захлопнула дверь, заперла ее, а затем, все еще испытывая страх, подкатила к ней комод и детские кроватки. После этого о действиях драгоценности можно было только догадываться. В дверь постучали, и атмосфера в зале наполнилась яростными речами; затем послышались торопливые шаги - это, по-видимому, драгоценный камень спустился вниз по лестнице; затем послышался треск, который мог свидетельствовать о том, что разбились окна, витражи, зеркала, стулья и другие предметы домашнего обихода, после чего, как заметила миссис Брэдли, все стихло".

"Помилуйте! какое испытание! - воскликнула Бесси. - И она была заперта в детской на весь день?

"From twelve until we rescued her at a little after six," said Thaddeus. "Then Bradley and I started out to find the jewel, if possible, and I regret to say that it was possible. We found her asleep on the kitchen table, and Bradley hadn't any more sense than to try and wake her up. He succeeded too well. For the next ten minutes she was the most wide-awake woman you ever saw, and she kept us wide awake too. The minute she opened her eyes and saw us standing before her, she sprang to her feet and made a rush at Bradley, for which he was totally unprepared, the consequence of which was that in an instant he found himself sitting in a very undignified manner, for the head of the house, on the kitchen floor, trying to collect his somewhat scattered faculties.

"С двенадцати до тех пор, пока мы не спасли ее в начале седьмого", - сказал Таддеус. "Затем мы с Брэдли отправились на поиски драгоценности, если это было возможно, и я с сожалением должен сказать, что это было возможно. Мы нашли ее спящей на кухонном столе, и Брэдли ничего не оставалось, как попытаться разбудить ее. У него это очень хорошо получилось. Следующие десять минут она была самой бодрствующей женщиной, которую вы когда-либо видели, и не давала нам уснуть. Как только она открыла глаза и увидела, что мы стоим перед ней, она вскочила на ноги и бросилась на Брэдли, к чему он был совершенно не готов, в результате чего в одно мгновение он обнаружил, что сидит в весьма недостойном для главы дома положении на на кухонном полу, пытаясь собрать свои несколько рассеянные способности.

"When she had persuaded Bradley to take a seat, she turned to shower her attentions on me. I jumped to one side, but she managed to grab hold of my vest, and hence its buttonless condition. By this time Bradley was on his feet again, and, having had the temerity to face his jewel the second time, he again came off second best, losing one of the button-holes of his collar in the melee. I rushed in from behind, and flirtatiously, perhaps, tried to grab hold of her hands, coming off the field minus a necktie, but plus that picturesque scratch you see on my nose. Stopping a moment to count up my profit and loss, I let Bradley make the next assault, which resulted in a drawn battle, Bradley losing his watch and his temper, the jewel losing her breath and her balance. So it went on for probably three or four minutes longer, though we certainly acquired several years of experience in those short minutes, until finally we managed to conquer her. This done, we locked her up in a closet."

"Had she been at the cooking-sherry?" asked Bessie.

"Когда она убедила Брэдли присесть, то повернулась, чтобы осыпать меня своим вниманием. Я отскочил в сторону, но ей удалось схватить меня за жилет, из-за чего он остался без пуговиц. К этому времени Брэдли снова был на ногах и, имея неосторожность встретиться лицом к лицу со своей драгоценностью во второй раз, снова оказался на втором месте, потеряв в рукопашной схватке одну из пуговиц на воротнике. Я подбежал сзади и, возможно, кокетливо попытался схватить ее за руки, покидая поле без галстука, но с той живописной царапиной, которую вы видите у меня на носу. Остановившись на мгновение, чтобы подсчитать свои прибыли и убытки, я позволил Брэдли предпринять следующую атаку, которая закончилась ничьей, Брэдли потерял часы и самообладание, а драгоценность потеряла дыхание и равновесие. Так продолжалось, наверное, еще минуты три-четыре, хотя за эти короткие минуты мы, безусловно, приобрели многолетний опыт, пока, наконец, нам не удалось покорить ее. Покончив с этим, мы заперли ее в чулане."

- Она была в херес? - спросила Бесси.++++++++++++++

"We thought so at first, and Bradley sent for a policeman," said

Thaddeus "but when he came we found the poor creature too exhausted

to be moved, and in a very short while Mrs. Bradley decided that it

was a case for a doctor and not for a police-justice. So the doctor

was summoned, and we waited, dinnerless, in the dining-room for his

verdict, and finally it came. BRADLEY'S JEWEL WAS INSANE!"

"Insane!" echoed Bessie.

"Mad as a hatter," replied Thaddeus.

"Well, I declare!" said Bessie, thoughtfully. "But, Thaddeus, do

you know I am not surprised."

"Why, my dear?" he asked.

"Because, Teddy, she was too perfect to be in her right mind."

And Thaddeus, after thinking it all over, was inclined to believe

that Bessie was in the right.

"Yes, Bess, she was perfect - perfect in the way she did her work,

perfect in the way she smashed things, and nowhere did she more

successfully show the thoroughness with which she did everything

than when it came to removing the buttons from my vest. Isn't it

too bad that the only perfect servant that ever lived should turn

out to be a hopeless maniac? But I must hurry off, or I'll miss my

train."

"You are not going down to town to-day?" asked Bessie.

"To-day, above all other days, am I going down," returned Thaddeus.

"I am enough of a barbarian to be unwilling to lose the chance of

seeing Bradley, and asking him how he and his jewel get along."

"Thaddeus!"

"Why not, my dear?"

"It would be too mean for anything."

"Well, perhaps you are right. I guess I won't. But he has rubbed

it into me so much about our domestics that I hate to lose the

chance to hit back."

"Has he?" said Bessie, her face flushing indignantly, and, it may be

added, becomingly. "In that case, perhaps, you might - ha! ha! -

perhaps you might telegraph and ask him."

And Thaddeus did so. As yet he has received no reply.

UNEXPECTED POMP AT THE PERKINS'S

"My dear," said Thaddeus, one night, as he and Mrs. Perkins entered

the library after dinner, "that was a very good dinner to-night.

Don't you think so?"

"All except the salmon," said Bessie, with a smile.

"Salmon?" echoed Thaddeus. "Salmon? I did not see any salmon."

"No," said Bessie, "that was just the trouble. It didn't come up,

although it was in the house before dinner, I'm certain. I saw it

arrive."

"Ellen couldn't have known you intended it for dinner," said

Thaddeus.

"Yes, she knew it was for dinner," returned Bessie, "but she made a

mistake as to whose dinner it was for. She supposed it was bought

for the kitchen-table, and when I went down-stairs to inquire about

it a few minutes ago it was fulfilling its assumed mission nobly.

There wasn't much left but the tail and one fin."

"Well!" ejaculated Thaddeus, "I call that a pretty cool proceeding.

Did you give her a talking to?"

"No," Bessie replied, shortly; "I despise a domestic fuss, so I

pretended I'd gone down to talk about breakfast. We'll have

breakfast an hour or two earlier to-morrow, dear."

"What's that for?" queried Thaddeus, his eyes open wide with

astonishment. "You are not going shopping, are you?"

"No, Teddy, I'm not; but when I got downstairs and realized that

Ellen had made the natural mistake of supposing the fish was for the

down-stairs dinner, this being Friday, I had to think of something

to say, and nothing would come except that we wanted breakfast at

seven instead of at eight. It doesn't do to have servants suspect

you of spying upon them, nor is it wise ever to appear flustered - so

mamma says - in their presence. I avoided both by making Ellen

believe I'd come down to order an early breakfast."

"You are a great Bessie," said Thaddeus, with a laugh. "I admire

you more than ever, my dear, and to prove it I'd get up to breakfast

if you'd ordered it at 1 A.M."

"You'd be more likely to stay up to it," said Bessie, "and then go

to bed after it."

"There's your Napoleonic mind again," said Thaddeus. "I should

never have thought of that way out of it. But, Bess," he continued,

"when I was praising to-night's dinner I had a special object in

view. I think Ellen cooks well enough now to warrant us in giving a

dinner, don't you?"

"Well, it all depends on what we have for dinner," said Bessie.

"Ellen's biscuits are atrocious, I think, and you know how lumpy the

oatmeal always is."

"Suppose we try giving a dinner with the oatmeal and biscuit courses

left out?" suggested Thaddeus, with a grin.

Bessie's eyes twinkled. "You make very bright after-dinner

speeches, Teddy," she said. "I don't see why we can't have a dinner

with nothing but pretty china, your sparkling conversation, and a

few flowers strewn about. It would be particularly satisfactory to

me."

"They're not all angels like you, my dear," Thaddeus returned.

"There's Bradley, for instance. He'd die of starvation before we

got to the second course in a dinner of that kind, and if there is

any one thing that can cast a gloom over a dinner, it is to have one

of the guests die of starvation right in the middle of it."

"Mr. Bradley would never do so ungentlemanly a thing," said Bessie,

laughing heartily. "He is too considerate a man for that; he'd

starve in silence and without ostentation."

"Why this sudden access of confidence in Bradley?" queried Thaddeus.

"I thought you didn't like him?"

"Neither I did, until that Sunday he spent with us," Bessie

answered. "I've admired him intensely ever since. Don't you

remember, we had lemon pie for dinner - one I made myself?"

"Yes, I remember," said Thaddeus; "but I fail to see the connection

between lemon pie and Bradley. Bradley is not sour or crusty."

"You wouldn't have failed to see if you'd watched Mr. Bradley at

dinner," retorted Bessie. "He ate two pieces of it."

"And just because a man eats two pieces of lemon pie prepared by

your own fair hands you whirl about, and, from utterly disliking

him, call him, upon the whole, one of the most admirable products of

the human race?" said Thaddeus.

"Not at all," Bessie replied, with a broad smile; "but I did admire

the spirit and politeness of the man. On our way home from church

in the morning we were talking about the good times children have on

their little picnics, and Mr. Bradley said he never enjoyed a picnic

in his life, because every one he had ever gone to was ruined by the

baleful influence of lemon pie."

Thaddeus laughed. "Then he didn't like lemon pie?" he asked.

"No, he hated it," said Bessie, joining in the laugh. "He added

that the original receipt for it came out of Pandora's box."

"Poor Bradley!" cried Thaddeus, throwing his head back in a paroxysm

of mirth. "Hated pie - declared his feelings - and then to be

confronted by it at dinner."

"He behaved nobly," said Bessie. "Ate his first piece like a man,

and then called for a second, like a hero, when you remarked that it

was of my make."

"You ought to have told him it wasn't necessary, Bess," said

Thaddeus.

"I felt that way myself at first," Bessie explained; "but then I

thought I wouldn't let him know I remembered what he had said."

"I fancy that was better," said Thaddeus. "But about that dinner.

What do you say to our inviting the Bradleys, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips,

the Robinsons, and the Twinings?"

"How many does that make? Eight besides ourselves?" asked Bessie,

counting upon her fingers.

"Yes - ten altogether," said Thaddeus.

"It can't be done, dear," said Bessie. "We have only eight fruit

plates."

"Can't you and I go without fruit?" Thaddeus asked.

"Not very well," laughed Bessie. "It would never do."

"They might think the fruit was poisoned if we did, eh?" suggested

Thaddeus.

"Besides, Mary never could serve dinner for ten; eight is her

number. Last time we had ten people, don't you remember, she

dropped a tray full of dishes, and poured the claret into the

champagne glasses?"

"Oh, yes, so she did," said Thaddeus. "That's how we came to have

only eight fruit plates. I remember. I don't think it was the

number of people at the table, though. It was Twining caused the

trouble, he had just made the pleasant remark that he wouldn't have

an Irish servant in his house, when Mary fired the salute."

"Then that settles it," said Bessie. "We'll cut the Twinings out,

and ask the others. I don't care much for Mrs. Twining, anyhow;

she's nothing but clothes and fidgets."

"And Twining doesn't do much but ask you what you think of certain

things, and then tell you you are all wrong when he finds out," said

Thaddeus. "Yes, it's just as well to cut them off this time. We'll

make it for eight, and have it a week from Thursday night."

"That's Mary's night off," said Bessie.

"Then how about having it Friday?"

"That's Maggie's night off, and there won't be anybody to mind the

baby."

"Humph!" said Thaddeus. "I wish there were a baby safe-deposit

company somewhere. Can't your mother come over and look after him?"

"No," said Bessie, "she can't. The child always develops something

every time mother comes. Not, of course, that I believe she gives

it to him, but she looks for things, don't you know."

"Yes," said Thaddeus, "I know. Then make it Wednesday. That's my

busy day down-town, and I shan't be able to get home much before

half-past six, but if dinner is at seven, there will be time enough

for me to dress."

"Very well," said Bessie. "I will write the invitations to-morrow,

and, meanwhile, you and I can get up the menu."

"Oysters to begin with, of course," said Thaddeus.

"I suppose so," said Bessie, "though, you remember, the last time we

had oysters you had to open them, because the man from the market

didn't get here until half-past seven."

"And Ellen had never opened any except with a tack-hammer," said

Thaddeus. "Yes, I remember. But lightning never strikes twice in

the same place. Put down the oysters. Then we'll have some kind of

a puree - celery puree, eh?"

"That will be very good if Ellen can be induced to keep it thick."

"Perhaps we'd better tell her we want a celery consomme," suggested

Thaddeus. "Then it will be sure to be as thick as a dictionary."

"I guess it will be all right," said Bessie. "What kind of fish?"

"Bradley likes salmon; Robinson likes sole; Phillips likes

whitebait, and so do I."

"We'll have whitebait," said Bessie, simply. "Then a saddle of

mutton?"

"Yes, and an entree of some kind, and next individual ruddy ducks."

"No Roman punch?"

"We can get along without that, I think," said Thaddeus. "We want

to keep this dinner down to Mary's comprehension, and I'm afraid she

wouldn't know what to make of an ice in the middle of the dinner.

The chances are she'd want to serve it hot."

"All right, Teddy. What next?"

"I would suggest a lemon pie for Bradley," smiled Thaddeus.

"What do you say to Ellen's making one of her tipsy-cakes?"

suggested Bessie.

"Just the thing," said Thaddeus, smacking his lips with enthusiasm.

"I could eat a million of 'em. Then we can finish up with coffee

and fruit."

So it was settled. The invitations were sent out, and Bessie

devoted her energies for the next ten days to making ready.

Ellen's culinary powers were tested at every meal. For dinner one

night she was requested to prepare the puree, which turned out to be

eminently satisfactory. Thaddeus gave her a few practical lessons

in the art of opening oysters, an art of which he had become a

master in his college days - in fact, if his own words were to be

believed, it was the sole accomplishment he had there acquired which

gave any significance whatever to his degree of B. A. - so that in

case the "fish gentleman" failed to appear in time nothing

disastrous might result. Other things on the menu were also

ordered at various times, and all went so well that when Thaddeus

left home on the chosen Wednesday morning, it was with a serene

sense of good times ahead. The invited guests had accepted, and

everything was promising.

As Thaddeus had said, Wednesday was his busy day, and never had it

been busier than upon this occasion. Everything moved smoothly, but

there was a great deal to move, and finally, when all was done, and

Thaddeus rose to leave his desk, it was nearly six o'clock, and

quite impossible for him to reach home before seven. "I shall be

late," he said, as he hurried off; and he was right. He arrived at

home coincidently with his guests, rushed to his room, and dressed.

But one glimpse had he of Bessie, and that was as they passed on the

stairs, she hurrying down to receive her guests, he hurrying up to

change his clothes.

"Oh, Thad!" was all she said, but to Thaddeus it was disconcerting.

"What is the matter, dear?" he asked.

"Nothing; I'll tell you later. Hurry," she gasped, "or the dinner

will be spoiled."

Thaddeus hurried as he never hurried before, and in fifteen minutes

walked, immaculate as to attire, into the drawing-room, where

Bessie, her color heightened to an unusual degree, and her usually

bright eyes fairly flaming with an unwonted brilliance, was

entertaining the Bradleys, the Phillipses, and the Robinsons.

"Didn't expect me, did you?" said Thaddeus, as he entered the room.

"No," said Bradley, dryly. "This is an unexpected pleasure. I

didn't even know you were a friend of the family."

"Well, I am," said Thaddeus. "One of the oldest friends I've got,

in fact, which is my sole excuse for keeping you waiting. Old

friends are privileged - eh, Mrs. Robinson?"

"Dinner is served," came a deep bass voice from the middle of the

doorway.

Thaddeus jumped as if he had seen a ghost, and, turning to see what

could have caused the strange metamorphosis in the soprano tremolo

of Mary's voice, was astonished to observe in the parting of the

portieres not the more or less portly Mary, but a huge, burly,

English-looking man, bowing in a most effective and graceful fashion

to Mrs. Bradley, and then straightening himself up into a pose as

rigid and uncompromising as that of a marble statue.

"What on earth - " began Thaddeus, with a startled look of inquiry at

Bessie. But she only shook her head, and put her finger to her

lips, enjoining silence, which Thaddeus, fortunately, had the good

sense to understand, even if his mind was not equal to the fathoming

of that other mystery, the pompous and totally unexpected butler.

But if Thaddeus was surprised to see the butler, he was amazed at

the dinner which the butler served. Surely, he thought, if Ellen

can prepare a dinner like this, she ought to be above taking sixteen

dollars and a home a month. It was simply a regal repast. The

oysters were delicious, and the puree was superior to anything

Thaddeus had ever eaten in the line of soups in his life - only it

was lobster puree, and ten times better than Ellen's general run of

celery puree. He winked his eye to denote his extreme satisfaction

to Bessie when he thought no one was looking, but was overwhelmed

with mortification when he observed that the wink had been seen by

the overpowering butler, who looked sternly at him, as much as to

say, "'Ow wery wulgar!"

"I must congratulate your cook upon her lobster puree, Mrs.

Perkins," said Mr. Phillips. "It is delicious."

"Yes," put in Thaddeus. "But you ought to taste her celery puree.

She is undoubtedly great on purees."

Bessie coughed slightly and shook her head at Thaddeus, and Thaddeus

thought he detected the germ of a smile upon the cold face of the

butler. He was not sure about it, but it curdled his blood just a

little, because that ghost of a smile seemed to have just a tinge of

a sneer in it.

"This isn't the same cook you had last time, is it?" asked Bradley.

"Yes," said Thaddeus. "Same one, though it was my wife who made

that lem - "

"Thaddeus," interrupted Bessie, "Mrs. Robinson tells me that she and

Mr. Robinson are going down to New York to the theatre on Friday

night. Can't we all go?"

"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "I'm in on any little diversion of that

sort. Why, what's this? - er - why, yes, of course. Phillips, you'll

go; and you, too, eh, Bradley?"

Thaddeus was evidently much upset again; for, instead of the

whitebait he and Bessie had decided upon for their fish course, the

butler had entered, bearing in a toplofty fashion a huge silver

platter, upon which lay a superb salmon, beautifully cooked and

garnished. This he was now holding before Thaddeus, and stood

awaiting his nod of approval before serving it. Inasmuch as

Thaddeus not only expected whitebait, but had also never before seen

the silver platter, it is hardly surprising that he should sit

staring at the fish in a puzzled sort of way. He recovered shortly,

however, gave the nod the butler was waiting for, and the dinner

proceeded. And what a dinner it was! Each new course in turn

amazed Thaddeus far more than the course that had preceded it; and

now, when the butler, whom Thaddeus had got more or less used to,

came in bearing a bottle of wine, followed by another stolid, well-

dressed person, who might have been his twin-brother and who was in

reality no more than assistant to the other, Thaddeus began to fear

that the wine he had partaken of had brought about that duplication

of sight which is said to be one of the symptoms of over-indulgence.

Either that or he was dreaming, he thought; and the alternative was

not a pleasant one, for Thaddeus did not over-indulge, and as a

person of intellect he did not deem it the proper thing to dream at

the dinner-table, since the first requisite of dreaming is falling

asleep. This Thaddeus never did in polite society.

To say that he could scarcely contain himself for curiosity to know

what had occurred to bring about this singular condition of affairs

is to put it with a mildness which justice to Thaddeus compels me to

term criminal. Yet, to his credit be it said, that through the

whole of the repast, which lasted for two hours, he kept silent, and

but for a slight nervousness of manner no one would have suspected

that he was not as he had always been. Indeed, to none of the

party, not even excepting his wife, did Thaddeus appear to be

anything but what he should be. But when, finally, the ladies had

withdrawn and the men remained over the coffee and cigars, he was

compelled to undergo a still severer test upon his loyalty to

Bessie, whose signal to him to accept all and say nothing he was so

nobly obeying.

Bradley began it. "I didn't know you'd changed from women to men

servants, Perkins?"

"Yes," said Thaddeus "we've changed."

"Rather good change, don't you think?"

"Splendid," said Phillips. "That fellow served the dinner like a

prince."

"I don't believe he's any more than a duke, though," said Bradley.

"His manner was quite ducal - in fact, too ducal, if Perkins will let

me criticise. He made me feel like a poor, miserable, red-blooded

son of the people. I wanted an olive, and, by Jove, I didn't dare

ask for it."

"That wasn't his fault," said Robinson, with a laugh. "You forget

that you live in a country where red blood is as good as blue.

Where did you get him, Thaddeus?"

Thaddeus looked like a rat in a corner with a row of cats to the

fore.

"Oh! - we - er - we got him from - dear me! I never can remember. Mrs.

Perkins can tell you, though," he stammered. "She looks after the

menagerie."

"What's his name?" asked Phillips.

Thaddeus's mind was a blank. He could not for the life of him think

what name a butler would be likely to have, but in a moment he

summoned up nerve enough to speak.

"Grimmins," he said, desperately.

"Sounds like a Dickens' character," said Robinson. "Does he cost

you very much?"

"Oh no - not so very much," said Thaddeus, whose case was now so

desperate that he resolved to put a stop to it all. Unfortunately,

his method of doing so was not by telling the truth, but by a flight

of fancy in which he felt he owed it to Bessie to indulge.

"No - he doesn't cost much," he repeated, boldly. "Fact is, he is a

man we've known for a great many years. He - er - he used to be

butler in my grandfather's house in Philadelphia, and - er - and I was

there a great deal of the time as a boy, and Grimmins and I were

great friends. When my grandfather died Grimmins disappeared, and

until last month I never heard a word of him, and then he wrote to

me stating that he was out of work and poor as a fifty-cent table-

d'hote dinner, and would like employment at nominal wages if he

could get a home with it. We were just getting rid of our waitress,

and so I offered Grimmins thirty a month, board, lodging, and

clothes. He came on; I gave him one of my old dress-suits, set him

to work, and there you are."

"I thought you said a minute ago Mrs. Perkins got him?" said

Bradley, who is one of those disagreeable men with a memory.

"I thought you were talking about the cook," said Thaddeus,

uneasily. "Weren't you talking about the cook?"

"No; but we ought to have been," said Phillips, with enthusiasm.

"She's the queen of cooks. What do you pay her?"

"Sixteen," said Thaddeus, glad to get back on the solid ground of

truth once more.

"What?" cried Phillips. "Sixteen, and can cook like that? Take me

down and introduce me, will you, Perkins? I'd like to offer her

seventeen to come and cook for me."

"Let's join the ladies," said Thaddeus, abruptly. "There's no use

of our wasting our sweetness upon each other."

If the head of the house had expected to be relieved from his

unfortunate embarrassments by joining the ladies, he was doomed to

bitter disappointment, for the conversation abandoned at the table

was resumed in the drawing-room. The dinner had been too much of a

success to be forgotten readily.

Thaddeus's troubles were set going again when he overheard Phillips

saying to Bessie, "Thaddeus has been telling us the remarkable story

of Grimmins."

Nor were his woes lightened any when he caught Bessie's reply:

"Indeed? What story is that?"

"Why, the story of the butler - Grimmins, you know. How you came to

get him, and all that," said Phillips. "Really, you are to be

congratulated."

"I am glad to know you feel that way," said Bessie, simply, with a

glance at Thaddeus which was full of wonderment.

"He is a treasure," said Bradley; "but your cook is a whole chestful

of treasures. And how fortunate you and Thaddeus are! The idea of

there being anywhere in the world a person of such ability in her

vocation, and so poor a notion of her worth!"

Thaddeus breathed again, now that the cook was under discussion. He

knew all about her.

"Yes, indeed," said Bessie. "He did well."

"I mean the cook," returned Bradley. "You mean she did well, don't

you?"

What Bessie would have answered, or what Thaddeus would have done

next if the conversation had been continued, can be a matter of

unprofitable speculation only, for at this point a wail from above-

stairs showed that Master Perkins had awakened, and the ladies,

considerate of Bessie's maternal feelings, promptly rose to take

their leave, and in ten minutes she and Thaddeus were alone.

"What on earth is the story of Grimmins, Thaddeus?" she asked, as

the door closed upon the departing guests.

Thaddeus threw himself wearily down upon the sofa and explained. He

told her all he had said about the butler and the cook.

"That's the story of Grimmins," he said, when he had finished.

"Oh, dear me, dear me!" cried Bessie, "you told the men that, and

I - I, Thaddeus, told the women the truth. Why, it's - it's awful.

You'll never hear the end of it."

"Well, now that they know the truth, Bess," Thaddeus said, "suppose

you let me into the secret. What on earth is the meaning of all

this - two butlers, silver platters, dinner fit for the gods, and

all?"

"It's all because of the tipsy-cake," said Bessie.

"The what?" asked Thaddeus, sitting up and gazing at his wife as if

he questioned her sanity.

"The tipsy-cake," she repeated. "I gave Ellen the bottle of brandy

you gave me for the tipsy-cake, and - and she drank half of it."

"And the other half?"

"Mary drank that. They got word this morning that their brother was

very ill, and it upset them so I don't believe they knew what they

were doing; but at one o'clock, when I went down to lunch, there was

no lunch ready, and when I descended into the kitchen to find out

why, I found that the fire had gone out, and both girls were - both

girls were asleep on the cellar floor. They're there yet - locked

in; and all through dinner I was afraid they might come to, and -

make a rumpus."

"And the dinner?" said Thaddeus, a light breaking through into his

troubled mind.

"I telegraphed to New York to Partinelli at once, telling him to

serve a dinner for eight here to-night, supplying service, cook,

dinner, and everything, and at four o'clock these men arrived and

took possession. It was the only thing I could do, Thad, wasn't

it?"

"It was, Bess," said Thaddeus, gravely. "It was great; but - by

Jove, I wish I'd known, because - Did you really tell the ladies the

truth about it?"

"Yes, I did," said Bessie. "They were so full of praises for

everything that I didn't think it was fair for me to take all the

credit of it, so I told them the whole thing."

"That was right, too," said Thaddeus; "but those fellows will never

let me hear the end of that infernal Grimmins story. I almost wish

we - "

"You wish what, Teddy dear?"

"I almost wish we had not attempted the tipsy-cake, and had stuck to

my original suggestion," said Thaddeus.

"What was that?" Bessie asked.

"To have lemon pie for dessert, for Bradley's sake," answered

Thaddeus, as he locked the front door and turned off the gas.

AN OBJECT-LESSON

It was early in the autumn. Mr. and Mrs. Perkins, with their two

hopefuls, had returned from a month of rest at the mountains, and

the question of school for Thaddeus junior came up.

"He is nearly six years old," said Bessie, "and I think he is quite

intelligent enough to go to school, don't you?"

"Well, if you want my honest opinion," Thaddeus answered, "I think

he's intelligent enough to go without school for another year at

least. I don't want a hot-house boy, and I have always been opposed

to forcing these little minds that we are called upon by

circumstances to direct. It seems to me that the thing for us to do

is to hold them back, if anything. If Teddy goes to school now,

he'll be ready for college when he is twelve. He'll be graduated at

sixteen, and at twenty he'll be practising law. At twenty-five

he'll be leader of the bar; and then - what will there be left for

him to achieve at fifty? Absolutely nothing."

Mrs. Perkins laughed. "You have great hopes for Teddy, haven't

you?"

"Certainly I have," Thaddeus replied; "and why shouldn't I? Doesn't

he combine all my good qualities plus yours? How can he be anything

else than great?"

"I am afraid there's a touch of vanity in you," said Mrs. Perkins,

with a smile. "That remark certainly indicates it."

"No - it's not vanity in me," said Thaddeus. "It's confidence in

you. You've assured me so often of my perfection that I am

beginning to believe in it; and as for your perfection, I've always

believed in it. Hence, when I see Teddy combining your perfect

qualities with my own, I regard him as a supernaturally promising

person - that is, I do until he begins to show the influence of

contact with the hired man, and uses language which he never got

from you or from me."

"Granting that he is great at twenty-five," said Mrs. Perkins, after

a few moments' reflection, "is that such a horrible thing?"

"It isn't for the parents of the successful youth, but for the

successful youth himself it's something awful," returned Thaddeus,

with a convincing shake of the head. "If no one ever lived beyond

the age of thirty-five it wouldn't be so bad, but think of living to

be even so young as sixty, with a big reputation to sustain through

more than half of that period! I wouldn't want to have to sustain a

big name for twenty-five years. Success entails conspicuousness,

and conspicuousness makes error almost a crime. Put your mind on it

for a moment. Think of Teddy here. How nervous it would make him

in everything he undertook to feel that the eyes of the world were

upon him. And take into consideration that other peculiarity of

human nature which leads us all, you and me as well as every one

else, to believe that the man who does not progress is going

backward, that there is no such thing as standing still; then think

of a man illustrious enough for seventy at twenty-five - at the limit

of success, with all those years before him, and no progress

possible! No, my dear. Don't let's talk of school for Teddy yet."

"I am sure I don't want to force him," said Mrs. Perkins, "but it

sometimes seems to me that he needs lessons in discipline. I can't

be following around after him all the time, and it seems to me some

days that I do nothing but find fault with him. I don't want him to

think I'm a stern mother; and when he tells me, as he did yesterday,

that he wishes I'd take a vacation for a month, I can't blame him."

"Did he tell you that?" asked Thaddeus, with a chuckle.

"Yes, he did," replied Mrs. Perkins. "I'd kept him in a chair for

an hour because he would tease Tommy, and when finally I let him go

I told him that he was wearing me out with his naughtiness. About

an hour later he came back and said, 'You have an awful hard time

bringin' me up, don't you?' I said yes, and added that he might

spare me the necessity of scolding him so often, to which he replied

that he'd try, but thought it would be better if I'd take a vacation

for a month. He hadn't much hope for his own improvement."

Thaddeus shook internally.

"He's perfectly wild, too, at times," Mrs. Perkins continued. "He

wants to do such fearful things. I caught him sliding down the

banisters yesterday head-foremost, and you know how he was at the

Mountain House all summer long. Perfectly irrepressible."

"That's very true," said Thaddeus. "I was speaking of it to the

doctor up there, and asked him what he thought I'd better do."

"And what did he say?" asked Mrs. Perkins.

"He stated his firm belief that there was nothing you or I could do

to get him down to a basis, but thought Hagenbeck might accomplish

something."

"No doubt he thought that," cried Bessie. "No doubt everybody

thought that, but it wasn't entirely Teddy's fault. If there is

anything in the world that is well calculated to demoralize an

active-minded, able-bodied child, it is hotel life. Teddy was egged

on to all sorts of indiscretions by everybody in the hotel, from the

bell-boys up. If he'd stand on his head on the cashier's desk, the

cashier would laugh first, and then, to get rid of him, would suggest

that he go into the dining-room and play with the headwaiter; and

when he upset the contents of his bait-box in Mrs. Harkaway's lap,

she interfered when I scolded him, and said she liked it. What can

you do when people talk that way?"

"Get him to upset his bait-box in her lap again," said Thaddeus. "I

think if he had been encouraged to do that as a regular thing, every

morning for a week, she'd have changed her tune."

"Well, it all goes to prove one thing," said Mrs. Perkins, "and that

is, Teddy needs more care than we can give him personally. We are

too lenient. Whenever you start in to punish him it ends up with a

game; when I do it, and he says something funny, as he always does,

I have to laugh."

"How about the ounce-of-prevention idea?" suggested Thaddeus.

"We've let him go without a nurse for a year now - why can't we

employ a maid to look after him - not to boss him, but to keep an eye

on him - to advise him, and, in case he declines to accept the

advice, to communicate with us at once? All he needs is directed

occupation. As he is at present, he directs his own occupation,

with the result that the things he does are of an impossible sort."

"That means another servant for me to manage," sighed Mrs. Perkins.

"True; but a servant is easier to manage than Teddy. You can

discharge a servant if she becomes impossible. We've got Teddy for

keeps," said Thaddeus.

"Very well - so be it," said Mrs. Perkins. "You are right, I guess,

about school. He ought not to be forced, and I'd be worried about

him all the time he was away, anyhow."

So it was decided that Teddy should have a nurse, and for a day or

two the subject was dropped. Later on Mrs. Perkins reopened it.

"I've been thinking all day about Teddy's nurse, Thaddeus," she

said, one evening after dinner. "I think it would be nice if we got

him a French nurse. Then he could learn French without any

forcing."

"Good scheme," said Thaddeus. "I approve of that. We might learn a

little French from her ourselves, too."

"That's what I thought," said Bessie and that point was decided.

The new nurse was to be French, and the happy parents drew beatific

visions of the ease with which they should some day cope with

Parisian hotel-keepers and others in that longed-for period when

they should find themselves able, financially, to visit the French

capital.

But -

Ah! Those buts that come into our lives! Conjunctions they are

called! Are they not rather terminals? Are they not the

forerunners of chaos in the best-laid plans of mankind? If for

every "but" that destroys our plan of action there were ready always

some better-succeeding plan, then might their conjunctive force seem

more potent; as life goes, however, unhappily, they are not always

so provided, and the English "but" takes on its Gallic significance,

which leads the Frenchman to define it as meaning "the end."

There was an object-lesson in store for the Perkinses.

On the Sunday following the discussion with which this story opens,

the Perkinses, always hospitable, though distinctly unsociable so

far as the returning of visits went, received a visit from their

friends the Bradleys. Ordinarily a visit from one's town friends is

no very great undertaking for a suburban host or hostess, but when

the town friends have children from whom they are inseparable, and

those children have nurses who, whithersoever the children go, go

there also, such a visit takes on proportions the stupendousness of

which I, being myself a suburban entertainer, would prefer not to

discuss, fearing lest some of my friends with families, recalling

these words, might consider my remarks of a personal nature. Let me

be content with saying, therefore, that when the Bradleys, Mr. and

Mrs., plus Master and Miss, plus Harriet, the English nurse, came to

visit the Perkins homestead that Sunday, it was a momentous occasion

for the host and hostess, and, furthermore, like many another

momentous occasion, was far-reaching in its results.

In short, it provided the Perkins family with that object-lesson to

which I have already alluded.

The Bradleys arrived on Sunday night, and as they came late little

Harry Bradley and the still smaller Jennie Bradley were tired, and

hence not at all responsive to the welcomes of the Perkinses, large

or small. They were excessively reticent. When Mrs. Perkins,

kneeling before Master Harry, asked him the wholly unnecessary

question, "Why, is this Harry?" he refused wholly to reply; nor

could the diminutive Jennie be induced to say anything but "Yumps"

in response to a similar question put to her, "Yumps" being, it is

to be presumed, a juvenilism for "Yes, ma'am." Hence it was that

the object-lesson did not begin to develop until breakfast on Sunday

morning. The first step in the lesson was taken at that important

meal, when Master Harry observed, in stentorian yet sweetly soprano

tones:

"Hi wants a glarse o' milk."

To which his nurse, standing behind his chair to relieve the

Perkinses' maid of the necessity of looking after the Bradley

hopefuls, replied:

"'Ush, 'Arry, 'ush! Wite till yer arsked."

Mrs. Bradley nodded approval to Harriet, and observed quietly to

Mrs. Perkins that Harriet was such a treasure; she kept the children

so well in subjection.

The incident passed without making any impression upon the minds of

any but Thaddeus junior, who, taking his cue from Harry,

vociferously asserted that he, too, wished a glass of milk, and in

such terms as made the assertion tantamount to an ultimatum.

Then Miss Jennie seemed to think it was her turn.

"Hi doan't care fer stike. Hi wants chickin," said she. "I'n't

there goin' ter be no kikes?"

Mrs. Perkins laughed, though I strongly suspect that Thaddeus junior

would have been sent from the table had he ventured to express a

similar sentiment. Mrs. Bradley blushed; Bradley looked severe;

Perkins had that expression which all parents have when other

people's children are involved, and which implies the thought, "If

you were mine there'd be trouble; but since you are not mine, how

cunning you are!" But Harriet, the nurse, met the problem. She

said:

"Popper's goin' ter have stike, Jinnie; m'yby Mr. Perkins'll give

yer lots o' gryvy. Hit i'n't time fer the kikes."

Perhaps I ought to say to those who have not studied dialect as "she

is spoke" that the word m'yby is the Seven Dials idiom for maybe,

itself more or less an Americanism, signifying "perhaps," while

"kikes" is a controvertible term for cakes.

After breakfast, as a matter of course, the senior members of both

families attended divine service, then came dinner, and after dinner

the usual matching of the children began. The hopefuls of Perkins

were matched against the scions of Bradley. All four were brought

downstairs and into the parental presence in the library.

"Your Harry is a fine fellow, Mrs. Bradley," said Thaddeus.

"Yes, we think Harry is a very nice boy," returned Mrs. Bradley,

with a fond glance at the youth.

"Wot djer si about me, mar?" asked Harry.

"Nothing, dear," replied Mrs. Bradley, raising her eyebrows

reprovingly.

"Yes, yer did, too," retorted Harry. "Yer said as 'ow hi were a

good boy."

"Well, 'e i'n't, then," interjected Jennie. "'E's a bloomin' mean

un. 'E took a knoife an' cut open me doll."

"'Ush, Jinnie, 'ush!" put in the nurse. "Don't yer tell tiles on

'Arry. 'E didn't mean ter 'urt yer doll. 'Twas a haxident."

"No, 'twasn't a haxident," said Jennie. "'E done it a-purpice."

"Well, wot if hi did?" retorted Harry. "Didn't yer pull the tile

off me rockin'-'orse?"

"Well, never mind," said Bradley, seeing how strained things were

getting. "Don't quarrel about it now. It's all done and gone, and

I dare say you were both a little to blame."

"'Hi war'n't!" said Harry, and then the subject was dropped. The

children romped in and out through the library and halls for some

time, and the Bradleys and Perkinses compared notes on various

points of interest to both. After a while they again reverted to

the subject of their children.

"Does Harry go to school?" asked Bessie.

"No, we think he's too young yet," returned Mrs. Bradley. "He

learns a little of something every day from Harriet, who is really a

very superior girl. She is a good servant. She hasn't been in this

country very long, and is English to the core, as you've probably

noticed, not only in her way of comporting herself, but in her

accent."

"Yes, I've observed it," said Bessie. "What does she teach him?"

"Oh, she tells him stories that are more or less instructive, and

she reads to him. She's taught him one or two pretty little songs -

ballads, you know - too. Harry has a sweet little voice. Harry,

dear, won't you sing that song about Mrs. Henry Hawkins for mamma?"

"Don't warn'ter," said Harry. "Hi'm sick o' that bloomin' old

song."

"Seems to me I've heard it," said Thaddeus. "As I remember it,

Harry, it was very pretty."

"It is," said Bradley. "It's the one you mean - 'Oh, 'Lizer! dear

'Lizer! Mrs. 'Ennery 'Awkins.' Harry sings it well, too; but I

say, Thad, you ought to hear the nurse sing it. It's great."

"I should think it might be."

"She has the accent down fine, you know."

"Sort of born to it, eh?"

"Yes; you can't cultivate that accent and get it just right."

"I'll do 'Dear Old Dutch' for yer," suggested Harry. "Hi likes thet

better 'n 'Mrs. 'Awkins.'"

So Harry deserted "Mrs. 'Awkins" and sang that other pathetic

coster-ballad, "Dear Old Dutch," and, to the credit of Harriet, the

nurse, it must be said that he was marvellously well instructed. It

could not have been done better had the small vocalist been the own

son of a London coster-monger instead of the scion of an American

family of refinement.

Thus the day passed. Jennie proved herself quite as proficient in

the dialect of Seven Dials as was Harry, or even Harriet, and when

she consented to stand on a chair and recite a few nursery rhymes,

there was not an unnoticed "h" that she did not, sooner or later,

pick up and attach to some other word to which it was not related,

as she went along.

In short, as far as their speech was concerned, thanks to

association with Harriet, Jennie and Harry were as perfect little

cockneys as ever ignored an aspirate.

The visit of the Bradleys, like all other things, came to an end,

and Bessie, Thaddeus, and the children were once more left to

themselves. Teddy junior, it was observed, after his day with

Harry, developed a slight tendency to misplace the letter "h" in his

conversation, but it was soon corrected, and things ran smoothly as

of yore. Only - the Only being the natural sequence of the But

referred to some time since - Mr. and Mrs. Perkins changed their

minds about the French nurse, and it came about in this way:

"Thaddeus," said Bessie, after the Bradleys had departed, "what is

the tile of a rockin'-'orse?"

"I don't know. Why?" asked Thaddeus.

"Why, don't you remember," she said, "young Harry Bradley accused

Jennie of pulling out the tile of his rockin'-'orse?"

"Oh yes! Ha, ha!" laughed Thaddeus. "So she did. I know now.

Tile is cockney for tail."

"Did you notice the accent those children had?"

"Yes."

"All got from the nurse, too?"

"True."

"Ah, Teddy, what do you think of our getting a French maid, after

all? Don't you think that we'd run a great risk?"

"Of what?"

"Of having Ted speak - er - cockney French."

"H'm - yes. Very likely," said Thaddeus. "I'd thought of that

myself, and, I guess, perhaps we'd better stick to Irish."

"So do I. We can correct any tendency to a brogue, don't you

think?"

"Certainly," said Thaddeus. "Or, if we couldn't, it wouldn't be

fatal to the boy's prospects. It might even help him if he - "

"Help him? If what?"

"If he ever went into polities," said Perkins.

And that was the object-lesson which a kindly fate gave to the

Perkinses in time to prevent their engaging a French maid for the

children.

As to its value as a lesson, as to the value of its results, those

who are familiar with French as spoken by nurse-instructed youths

can best judge.

I am not unduly familiar with that or any other kind of French, but

I have ideas in the matter.

THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS OF THADDEUS

That you may thoroughly comprehend how it happened that on last

Christmas Day Thaddeus meted out gifts of value so unprecedented to

the domestics of what he has come to call his "menagerie" - the term

menage having seemed to him totally inadequate to express the state

of affairs in his household - I must go back to the beginning of last

autumn, and narrate a few of the incidents that took place between

that period and the season of Peace on Earth and Good-will to Men.

Should I not do so there would be many, I doubt not, who would deem

Thaddeus's course unjustifiable, especially when we are all agreed

that Christmas Day should be for all sorts and conditions of men the

gladdest, happiest day of all the year.

Thaddeus and Bessie and the little Thad had returned to their

attractive home after an absence of two months in a section of the

Adirondacks whither the march of civilization had not carried such

comforts as gas, good beds, and other luxuries, to which the little

family had become so accustomed that real camp-life, with its beds

of balsam, lights of tallow, and "fried coffee," possessed no charms

for them. They were all renewed in spirit and quite ready to embark

once more upon the troubled seas of house-keeping; and, as they saw

it on that first night at home, their crew was a most excellent one.

The cook rose almost to the exalted level of a chef in the

estimation of Thaddeus as course upon course, to the number of

seven, each made up of some delicacy of the season, came to the

table and received the indorsement which comes from total

consumption. They were well served, too, these courses; and the two

heads of the family, when Mary, the waitress, would enter the

butler's pantry, leaving them alone and unobserved, nodded their

satisfaction to each other across the snow-white cloth, and by means

of certain well-established signals, such as shaking their own hands

and winking the left eye simultaneously, with an almost vicious jerk

of the head, silently congratulated themselves upon the prospects of

a peaceful future in a domestic sense.

"That was just the best dinner I have had in centuries," said

Thaddeus, as they adjourned to the library after the meal was over.

"The broiled chicken was so good, Bess, that for a moment I wished I

were a bachelor again, so that I could have it all; and after I got

over my first feeling of hesitation over the oysters, and realized

that it was September with an R - belated, it is true, but still

there - and ate six of them, I think I could have gone downstairs and

given cook a diamond ring with seven solitaires in it and a

receipted bill for a seal-skin sacque. I don't see how we ever

could have thought of discharging her last June, do you?"

"It was a good dinner," said Bessie, discreetly ignoring the

allusion to their intentions in June; for she had a well-defined

recollection that at that time Bridget had given signs of emotional

insanity every time she was asked to prepare a five-o'clock

breakfast for Thaddeus and his friends, to the number of six, who

had acquired the habit of going off on little shooting trips every

Saturday, making the home of Thaddeus their headquarters over

Sunday, when the game the huntsmen had bagged the day before had to

be plucked, cleaned, and cooked by her own hands for dinner. "And

it was nicely selected, too," she added. "I sometimes think that

I'll let Bridget do the ordering at the market."

"H'm! Well," said Thaddeus, shaking his head dubiously, "I haven't

a doubt that Bridget could do it, and would be very glad to do it;

but I don't believe in setting a cook up in business."

"How do you mean?"

"I mean that I haven't any doubt that Bridget would in a very short

time become a highly successful produce-broker with bull tendencies.

The chicken market would be buoyant, and the quotations on the Stock

Exchange of, say, B., S., and P.-U.-C. - otherwise, Beef, Succotash,

and Picked-Up-Codfish - would rise to the highest point in years.

Why, my dear, by Christmas-time cook would have our surplus in her

own pocket-book; and in the place of the customary five oranges and

an apple she would receive from the butcher a Christmas-card in the

shape of a check of massive, if not graceful, proportions. No,

Bess, I think the old way is the best."

"Perhaps it is. By-the-way, John has kept the grounds looking well,

hasn't he? The lawn doesn't seem to have a weed on it," said

Bessie, walking to the window and gazing out at the soft velvety

sward in the glow of twilight.

"Yes, it looks pretty well; but there's a small heap of stuff over

there near the fence which rather inclines me to believe that the

weeds have been pulled out within the last few days - in fact, since

you wrote to announce our return. John is an energetic man in an

emergency, and I haven't a doubt he has been here at least once a

week ever since we left. I'll keep a record of John this fall."

And so the two contented home-comers talked happily along, and when

they closed their eyes in sleep that night they were, upon the

whole, very well satisfied with life.

Weeks elapsed, and with them some of the air-castles collapsed.

Whether custom staled the infinite variety of the cook's virtues,

and age withered the efficiency of Mary, the waitress, or whether

something was really and radically wrong with the girls, Thaddeus

and Bessie could not make out. Certain it was, however, that by

slow degrees the satisfaction for which that first dinner seemed to

stand as guarantor wore away, and dissatisfaction entered the

household. Mary developed a fondness for church at most

inconvenient hours - hours at which in fact, neither Thaddeus nor

Bessie had ever supposed church could be. That it was eternal they

both knew, but they had always supposed there were intermissions.

Then the cook's family, which had hitherto been moderately

healthful, began to show signs of invalidism, though no such

calamity as actual dissolution ever set its devastating step within

the charmed circle of her relatives. Cousins fell ill whom she

alone could comfort; nephews developed maladies for which she alone

could care; and, according to Thaddeus's record, John had been

compelled on penalty of a fine to attend the funerals of some

twenty-four deceased intimate friends in less than two months,

although the newspapers contained no mention of the existence of a

possible epidemic in the Celtic quarter. It is true that John

showed a more pronounced desire to make his absence less

inconvenient to his employer than did Mary and the cook, by

providing a substitute when the Ancient Order of Funereal Hibernians

compelled him to desert the post of duty; but Thaddeus declared the

"remedy worse than the disease," for the reason that John's

substitute - his own brother-in-law - was a weaver by trade, whose

baskets the public did not appreciate, and whose manner of cutting

grass in the early fall and of tending furnace later on was

atrocious.

"If I could hire that man in summer," Thaddeus remarked one night

when John's substitute had "fixed" the furnace so that the library

resembled a cold-storage room, "I think we could make this house an

arctic paradise. He seems to have a genius for taking warmth by the

neck and shaking enough degrees of heat out of it to turn a

conflagration into an iceberg. I think I'll tell the Fire

Commissioners about him."

"He can't compare with John," was Bessie's answer to this.

"No. I think that's why John sends him here when he is off riding

in carriages in honor of his deceased chums. By the side of Dennis,

John is a jewel."

"John is very faithful with the furnace," said Bessie. "He never

lets it go down. Why, day before yesterday I turned off every

register in the house, and even then had to open all the windows to

keep from suffocating."

"But that wasn't all John, my dear," said Thaddeus. "The Weather

Bureau had something to do with it. It was a warm day for this

season of the year, anyhow. If John could combine the two

businesses of selling coal and feeding furnaces, I think he would

become a millionaire. And, by-the-way, I think you ought to speak

to him, Bess, about the windows. Since you gave him the work of

window-cleaning to do, it is evident that he thinks I have nothing

to say in the matter, for he persistently ignores my requests that

he clean them in squares as they are made, and not rub up a little

circle in the middle, so that they look like blocks of opalescent

glass with plate-glass bulls'-eyes let into the centre. Look at

them now."

"Dennis did that. John had to go to Mount Vernon with his militia

company to-day."

"Dennis is well named, for his name is - But never mind. I'll credit

John with his twelfth day off in four weeks."

From John to Bridget, in the matter of days off, was an easy step,

though such was Bessie's consummate diplomacy that Thaddeus would

probably have continued in ignorance of the extent to which Bridget

absented herself had they not both taken occasion one day to visit

some relatives in Philadelphia, and on their return home at night

found no dinner awaiting them.

"What's the matter now?" asked Thaddeus, a little crossly, perhaps,

for visiting relatives in Philadelphia irritated him - possibly

because he and they did not agree in politics, and their assumption

that Thaddeus's party was entirely made up of the ignorant and self-

seeking was galling to him. "Why isn't dinner ready?"

"Mary says that an hour after we left cook got a telegram from New

York saying that her brother was dying, and she had to go right

off."

"I thought that brother was dying last week?"

"No; that was her mother's brother, he got well. This is another

person entirely."

"Naturally," snapped Thaddeus. "But next time we get a cook let's

have one whose relatives are all dead, or in the old country, where

they can't be reached. I'm tired of this business."

"Well, you shouldn't be cross with me about it, Thad," said Bessie,

with a teary look in her eyes. "I have to put up with a great deal

more of it than you have, only you never know of it. Why, I've

cooked one-half of my own luncheons in the last month."

"And the dinners, too, I'll wager," growled Thaddeus.

"No; she's always got home for dinner heretofore."

"Well, we'll keep a record-book for her, too, then. And we'll be

generous with her. We'll allow her just as I was allowed in

college - twenty-five per cent. in cuts. If she has twenty-five and

a fifth per cent., she goes."

"I don't think I understand," said Bessie.

"Well, we'll put it this way: There are thirty days in a month.

That means ninety meals a month. If she cooks sixty-seven and a

half of them she can stay; if she fails to cook the other twenty-two

and a half she can stay; but woe be unto her if she slips up by even

so little as a millionth part of the sixty-eighth!"

"I don't see how you can manage the half part of it."

"We'll leave that to her," said Thaddeus, firmly; "and, what is

more, we'll put John and Mary on the same basis, and Dennis we won't

have on any basis at all. A man who will take advantage of his

brother's absence at a wake to black the shoes of that brother's

only employer with stove-polish is not the kind of a man I want to

have around."

"It will be a very good plan," said Bessie, "for all except Mary.

Her absences she cannot well avoid. She has to go to church."

"How many times a week does she have to go?" queried Thaddeus.

"She is required to go to confession."

"Well, let her reform, and then she'll have nothing to go to

confession for. I don't believe that's where she goes, either. I

notice that one-half those evenings she takes off, permitting me to

mind the front door, and enabling us both to acquire proficiency in

the art of helping ourselves at dinner, there's a fireman's ball or

a policeman's hop or a letter-carriers' theatre party going on

somewhere in the county, and it's my belief the worshipping she does

on these occasions is at the shrine of Terpsichore or that of

Melpomene, which is a heathen custom and not to be tolerated here.

If she's so fond of living in church we can quote to her Hamlet's

advice to Ophelia - 'Get thee to a nunnery!' Why, Bess, I was

mortified to death the other night when Bradley dined here, he's all

the time bragging about his menagerie, and I tried to bluff him out

and make him believe we were waited on by angels in disguise, and

you know what happened. He came, saw, and I was regularly knocked

out. You let us in; we waited on ourselves; cook had prepared the

seven-o'clock dinner at five to give her a chance to go to the

hospital to see her brother-in-law with the measles; John had one of

his Central-African fires on, and Bradley's laughing about it yet."

"Mr. Bradley was very disagreeable the other night, anyhow," sniffed

Bessie. "He acted as if he were camping out!"

"Well, I can't honestly say I blame him for that," retorted

Thaddeus. "It only needed a balsam bed and a hole in the roof to

let the rain in on him to complete the illusion."

Finally, December came, and the tendencies of absenteeism on the

part of the servants showed no signs of abatement. They were

remonstrated with, but it made no difference. They didn't go out,

they declared, because they wanted to, but because they had to.

Cook couldn't let her relatives go unattended. Mary's religious

scruples simply dragged her out of the house, try as she would to

stay in; and as for John, as long as Dennis was on hand to take his

place he couldn't see why Mr. Perkins was dissatisfied. To tell the

truth, John had recently imbibed some more or less capitalistic - or

anticapitalistic - doctrines, and he was quite incapable of

understanding why, if a street-contractor, for instance, was

permitted by the laws of the land to sublet the work for which he

had contracted, he, John, should not be permitted to sublet his

contract to Dennis, piecemeal, or even as a whole, if he saw fit to

do so.

Thaddeus, seeing that Bessie was very much upset by the condition of

affairs, had said little about it since Thanksgiving Day, when he

had said about as much as the subject warranted after a six-course

dinner had been hurried through in one hour, two courses having been

omitted that Bridget might catch the train leaving for New York at

3.10. Nor would he have said anything further than the final words

of dismissal had he not come home late one afternoon to dress for a

dinner at his club, when he discovered that, owing to the usual

causes, the week's wash, which the combined efforts of cook and

waitress should have finished that day, was delayed twenty-four

hours, the consequence being that Thaddeus had to telephone to the

haberdashery for a dress-shirt and collar.

"It's bad enough having one's wife buy these things for one, but

when it comes to having a salesman sell you over a telephone the

style of shirt and collar 'he always wears himself,' it is

maddening," began Thaddeus, and then he went on at such an

outrageous rate that Bessie became hysterical, and Thaddeus's

conscience would not permit of his going out at all that night, and

that was the beginning of the end.

"I'll fix 'em at Christmas-time," said Thaddeus.

"You won't forget them at Christmas, I hope, Thad," said Bessie,

whose forgiving nature would not hear of anything so ungenerous as

forgetting the servants during the holidays.

"No," laughed Thaddeus. "I won't forget 'em. I'll give 'em all the

very things they like best."

"Oh, I see," smiled Bessie. "On the coals-of-fire principle. Well,

I shouldn't wonder but it would work admirably. Perhaps they'll be

so ashamed they'll do better."

"Perhaps - if the coals do not burn too deep," said Thaddeus, with a

significant smile.

Christmas Eve arrived, and little Thad's tree was dressed, the gifts

were arranged beneath it, and all seemed in readiness for the

dawning of the festal day, when Bessie, taking a mental inventory of

the packages and discovering nothing among them for the servants

save her own usual contribution of a dress and a pair of gloves for

each, turned and said to Thaddeus:

"Where are the hot coals?"

"The what?" asked Thaddeus.

"The coals of fire for the girls and John."

"Oh!" Thaddeus replied, "I have 'em in the library. I don't think

they'll go well with the tree."

"What are they?" queried Bess, with a natural show of curiosity.

"Checks?"

"Yes, partly," said Thaddeus. "Mary is to have a check for $16,

Bridget one for $18, and John one for $40."

"Why, Thaddeus, that's extravagant. Now, my dear, there's no use of

your doing anything of that - "

"Wait and see," said Thaddeus.

"But, Teddy!" Bessie remonstrated. "Those are the amounts of their

wages. You will spoil them, and if I - "

"As I said before, wait, Bess, wait!" said Thaddeus, calmly.

"You'll understand the whole scheme to-morrow, after breakfast."

And she did, and when she did she almost wished for a moment that

she didn't, for after breakfast Thaddeus summoned the three

offenders into his presence, and the effect was not altogether free

from painful features to the forgiving Bess.

"Bridget," Thaddeus said, "do you remember what Mrs. Perkins gave

you last Christmas?"

"I do not!" replied Bridget, rather uncompromisingly; for it was a

matter of history that she thought Mrs. Perkins on the last

Christmas festival had shown signs of parsimony in giving her a

calico gown instead of one of silk.

"Well, you won't forget next year what you got this," said Thaddeus,

dryly. "Here is an envelope containing $18, the amount of your

wages until January 1st. Mary, what did you get last Christmas?"

"A box of candy, sir."

"Nothing else?"

"I believe there was a dress of some kind. I gave it to my cousin."

"Good. I am glad you were so generous. Here is an envelope for

you. It has $16 in it, your wages up to January 1st."

Bessie stood in the doorway, a mute witness to what seemed to her an

incomprehensible scene.

"John, what did you get?"

"Five dollars an' a day off."

"And a two-dollar bill for Dennis, eh?"

"Dennis got that."

"True. Well, John, here's $40 for you - that pays you until January

1st. Now, it strikes me that, considering the behavior of you three

people, I am very generous to pay you your wages a week in advance,

but I am not going to stop there. I have studied you all very

carefully, and I've tried to discover what it is you are fondest of.

Cook and Mary do not seem to care much for dresses, though I believe

there are dresses and gloves under the tree for them, which fact

they will doubtless forget by next Christmas Day. The five dollars

and a day off John seems to remember, though from his manner of

recalling it I do not think his remembrance is a very pleasing one.

Now I've found out what it is you all like the best, and I'm going

to give it to you."

Here the trio endeavored to appear gracious, though they were

manifestly uneasy and a bit dissatisfied with what John would have

called "the luks of t'ings."

"Cook, from the 1st of January, may go to her relatives, and stay

until they're every one of them restored to health, if it takes

forty years. Mary may consider herself presented with sixty years'

vacation without pay; and for you, John, I have written this letter

of recommendation to the proprietors of a large undertaking

establishment in New York, who will, I trust, engage you as a chief

mourner, or perhaps hearse-driver, for the balance of your days. At

any rate, you, too, after January 1st, may consider yourself free to

go to any funeral or militia exercises, or anything else you may

choose to honor with your presence, at your own expense. You are

all given leave of absence without pay until further notice. I wish

you a merry Christmas. Good-morning."

There were no farewells in the house that day; and inasmuch as there

was no Christmas dinner either, Thaddeus and Bessie did not miss the

service of the waitress, who, when last seen, was walking airily off

towards the station, accompanied by the indignant John and a bundle-

laden cook. Next day their trunks went also.

"It was rather a hard thing to do on Christmas Day, Thaddeus," said

Bessie, a little later.

"Oh no," quibbled Thaddeus. "It was very easy under the

circumstances, and quite appropriate. This is the time of peace on

earth and good-will to men. The only way for us to have peace on

earth was to get rid of those two women; and as for John, he has my

good-will, now that he is no longer in my employ."

A STRANGE BANQUET

"Thaddeus," said Bessie to her husband as they sat at breakfast one

morning, shortly after the royal banquet over which "Grimmins" had

presided, "did you hear anything strange in the house last night?

Something like a footstep in the hall?"

"No," said Thaddeus. "I slept like a top last night. I didn't hear

anything. Did you?"

"I thought so," said Bessie. "About two o'clock I waked up with a

start, and while it may have been a sort of waking dream, I was

almost certain I heard a rustling sound out in the hall, and

immediately after a creaking on the stairs, as though there was

somebody there."

"Well, why on earth didn't you wake me, Bess?" returned Thaddeus.

"I could easily have decided the matter by getting up and

investigating."

"That was why I didn't wake you, Teddy. I'd a great deal rather

lose the silver or anything else in the house a burglar might want

than have you hit on the head with a sand-club," said Bessie. "You

men are too brave."

"Thank you," said Thaddeus, with a smile, as he thought of a certain

discussion he had had not long before at the club, in which he and

several other brave men had reached the unanimous conclusion that

the best thing to do at dead of night, with burglars in the house,

was to crawl down under the bedclothes and snore as loudly as

possible. "Nevertheless, my dear, you should have told me."

"I will next time," said Bessie.

"Was anything in the house disturbed?" Thaddeus asked.

"No," said Bessie. "Not a thing, as far as I can find out. Mary

says that everything was all right when she came down, and the cook

apparently found things straight, because she hasn't said anything."

So Thaddeus and Bessie made up their minds that the latter had been

dreaming, and that nothing was wrong. Two or three days later,

however, they changed their minds on the subject. There was

something decidedly wrong, but what it was they could not discover.

They were both awakened by a rustling sound in the hallway, outside

of their room, and this time there was a creak on the stairs that

was unmistakable.

"Don't move, Thaddeus," said Bessie, in a terrified whisper, as

Thaddeus made a brave effort to get up and personally investigate.

"I wouldn't have you hurt for all the world, and there isn't a thing

down-stairs they can take that we can't afford to lose."

Thaddeus felt very much as Bessie did, and it would have pleased him

much better to lie quietly where he was than run the risk of an

encounter with thieves. He had been brave enough in the company of

men to advocate cowardice in an emergency of just this sort, but now

that this same course was advocated by his wife, he saw it in a

different light. Prudence was possible, cowardice was not. He must

get up, and get up he did; but before going out of his room he

secured his revolver, which had lain untouched and unloaded in his

bureau-drawer for two years, and then advanced cautiously to the

head of the stairs and listened - Bessie meanwhile having buried her

face in her pillow as a possible means of assuaging her fears. It

is singular what a soothing effect a soft feather pillow sometimes

has upon the agitated nerves if the nose of the agitated person is

thrust far enough into its yielding surface.

"Who is there?" cried Thaddeus, standing at the head of the stairs,

his knees all of a shake, but whether from fear or from cold, as an

admirer of Thaddeus I prefer not to state.

Apparently the stage-whisper in which this challenge to a possible

burglar was uttered rendered it unavailing, for there was no reply;

but that there was some one below who could reply Thaddeus was now

convinced, for there were sounds in the library - sounds, however,

suggestive of undue attention to domestic duties rather than of that

which fate has mapped out for house-breakers. The library floor was

apparently being swept.

"That's the biggest idiot of a burglar I've ever heard of," said

Thaddeus, returning to his room.

"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" mumbled Mrs. Perkins, burying her ear in

the pillow for comfort now that she was compelled to take her nose

away so that she might talk intelligibly.

"I say that burglar must be an idiot," repeated Thaddeus. "What do

you suppose he is doing now?"

"Wh-wha-what, d-dud-dear?" asked Bessie, apparently unable to think

of any formula other than this in speaking, since this was the

second time she had used it.

"He is sweeping the library."

"Then you must not go down," cried Bessie, sitting up, and losing

her fear for a moment in her anxiety for her husband's safety. "A

burglar you might manage, but a maniac - "

"I must go, Bess," said Thaddeus, firmly.

"Then I'm going with you," said Mrs. Perkins, with equal firmness.

"Now, Bess, don't be foolish," returned Thaddeus, his face assuming

a graver expression than his wife had ever seen there. "This is my

work, and it is none of yours. I positively forbid you to stir out

of this room. I shall be very careful, and you need have no concern

for me. I shall go down the backstairs and around by the porch, and

peep in through the library window first. The moonlight will be

sufficient to enable me to see all that is necessary."

"Very well," acquiesced Bessie, "only do be careful."

Thaddeus donned his long bath-robe, put on his slippers, and started

to descend. The stairs were so dark that he could with difficulty

proceed - and perhaps it was just as well for Thaddeus that they

were. If there had been light enough for him to see two great

glaring eyes that stared at him through that darkness out from the

passageway at the foot of the stairs, upon which he turned his back

when he went out upon the porch, it is not unlikely that a very

serious climax to his strange experience would have been reached

then and there. As it was, he saw nothing, but kept straight ahead,

stepped noiselessly out upon the piazza, crept stealthily along in

the soft light of the moon, until he reached the library window.

There he stopped and listened. All was still within - so still that

the beating of his heart seemed like the hammering of a sledge upon

an anvil by contrast. Then, raising himself cautiously upon his

toes, he peered through the window into the room, the greater part

of which was made visible by the wealth of the moon's light

streaming into it.

"Humph!" said Thaddeus, after he had directed his searching gaze

into every corner. "There isn't anybody there at all. Most

incomprehensible thing I ever heard of."

Rising, he walked back to the piazza door, and went thence boldly

into the library and lit the gas. His piazza observations were then

verified, for the room was devoid of life, save for Thaddeus's own

presence; but upon the floor before the hearth was a broom, and

there were evidences also that the sweeping sounds he had heard had

been caused by no less an instrument than this, for in the corner of

the fireplace was a heap of dust, cigar ashes, and scraps of paper,

which Thaddeus remembered had been upon the hearth in greater or

less quantity when he had turned out the gas to retire a few hours

before.

"This is a serious matter," he said to himself. "Something is

wrong, and I doubt if there have been burglars in the house; but I

can ascertain that without trouble. If the doors and windows are

all secure the trouble is internal."

Every accessible door and window on the basement and first floor was

examined, and, with the exception of the piazza door, which Thaddeus

remembered to have unlocked himself a few minutes before, every lock

was fastened. The disturbance had come from within.

"And Bess must never know it," said he; "it would worry her to

death." And then came a thought to Thaddeus's mind that almost

stopped the beating of his heart. "Unless she has discovered it in

my absence," he gasped. In an instant he was mounting the stairs to

hasten to Bessie's side, as though some terrible thing were pursuing

him.

"Well, what was it, Ted?" she asked, as he entered the room.

Perkins gave a sigh of relief. All was safe enough above-stairs at

least.

"Nothing much," said Thaddeus, in a moment. "There is no one

below."

"But what could it have been?"

"I haven't the slightest idea," said Thaddeus, "unless it was a

stray cat in the house. The sweeping sound may have been caused by

a cat scratching its collar - or purring - or - or - something. At any

rate, things appear to be all right, my dear, so let's go to sleep."

Thaddeus's assumed confidence in the rightness of everything, rather

than his explanations, was convincing to Mrs. Perkins, and in a very

short while she was sleeping the sleep of the just and serene; but

to Thaddeus's eye there came no more sleep that night, and when

morning came he rose unrefreshed. There were two problems

confronting him. The first was to solve the mystery of the swept

library floor; the second was to do this without arousing his wife's

suspicions that anything was wrong. To do the first he deemed it

necessary to remain at home that day, which was easy, for Thaddeus

was more or less independent of office-work.

"I'm glad you're not going down," said Mrs. Perkins, when he

announced his intention of remaining at home. "You will be able to

make up for your loss of sleep last night."

"Yes," said Thaddeus. "It's the only thing I can do, I'm so played

out."

Breakfast passed off pleasantly in spite of a great drawback - the

steak was burned almost to a crisp, and the fried potatoes were like

chips of wood.

"Margaret seems to be unfamiliar with the art of cooking this

morning," said Thaddeus.

"So it would seem," said Bessie. "This steak is horrible."

"The worst part of it is," said Thaddeus, "she has erred on the

wrong side. If the steak were underdone it wouldn't be so bad.

Isn't it a pity Edison can't invent a machine to rarefy an overdone

steak?"

"That would be a fine idea," smiled Bessie. "And to take a Saratoga

chip and make it less like a chip off a granite block."

"I don't mind the potatoes so much," said Thaddeus. "I can break

them up in a bowl of milk and secure a gastronomic novelty that,

suitably seasoned, isn't at all bad, but the steak is hopeless."

"Maybe she heard that cat last night, and thought it was a burglar,

just as we did," Bessie suggested. "I can't account for a breakfast

like this in any other way, can you?"

"No," said Thaddeus, shortly, and then he had an idea; and when

Thaddeus had an idea he was apt to become extremely reticent.

"Poor Thad!" thought Bessie, as she noted his sudden change of

demeanor. "He can't stand loss of sleep."

The morning was spent by Thaddeus in the "noble pastime of

snooping," as he called it. The house was searched by him in a

casual sort of way from top to bottom for a clew to the mystery, but

without avail. Several times he went below to the cellar,

ostensibly to inspect his coal supply, really to observe the

demeanor of Margaret, the cook. Barring an unusual pallor upon her

cheek, she appeared to be as she always had been; but with the

waitress it was different. Mary was evidently excited over

something, but over what Thaddeus could not, of course, determine at

that time. Later in the day, however, the cause of her perturbation

came out, and Thaddeus's effort to keep Bessie from anxiety over the

occurrence of the night before was rendered unavailing. It was at

luncheon. The table was set in a most peculiar fashion. The only

china upon it was from an old set which had been discarded a year

previous to the time of this story, and Bessie naturally wanted to

know why, and the waitress broke down.

"It's - it's all we have, ma'am," said she, her eyes filling with

tears.

"All we have?" echoed Mrs. Perkins in surprise. "Why, what do you

mean? Where is the other set?"

"I don't know," protested the waitress.

"You don't know?" said Thaddeus, taking the matter in hand. "Why

don't you know? Isn't the china a part of your care?"

"Yes, sir," replied the maid, "but - it's gone, sir, and I don't know

where."

"When did you miss it?" asked Thaddeus.

"Not until I came to set the table for lunch."

"Was it in its proper place at breakfast-time?"

"I didn't notice, sir. The breakfast dishes were all there, but I

don't remember seeing the other plates. I didn't think to look."

"Then it wasn't a cat," said Bessie, sinking back into her chair;

"we have been robbed."

"Well, it's the first time on record, I guess, that thieves have

ever robbed a man of his china," said Thaddeus, calmly. "Have you

looked for the plates?" he added, addressing the waitress.

"No, sir," she replied, simply. "Where could I look?"

"That's so - where?" said Bessie. "There isn't much use looking for

dishes when they disappear like that. They aren't like whisk-brooms

or button-hooks to be mislaid easily. We have been robbed; that's

all there is about that."

"Oh, well," said Thaddeus, "let's eat lunch, and see about it

afterwards."

This was quite easy to say, but to eat under the circumstances was

too much for either of the young householders. The luncheon left

the table practically untouched; and when it was over Thaddeus

called his man into the house, wrote a note to the police-station,

asking for an officer in citizen's clothes at once, and despatched

it by him, with the injunction to let very little grass grow under

his feet on the way down to headquarters. He then summoned the

waitress into the library.

"Have you said anything to Margaret about the china?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," she replied.

"What did you say?"

"I told her as how wasn't it funny the way it had went, sir."

"And what did she say?"

"Nothing, sir. Only she seemed to think it was funny, because she

laughed."

"And what did you say then?"

"Nothing, Mr. Perkins. Margaret and me have very little

conversation, because she don't fancy me, and prefers talkin' to

herself like."

"H'm!" said Thaddeus. "Talks to herself, does she?"

"All the time, sir," returned the waitress, "and she seems very fond

of it, sir. She laughs, and says things, and then laughs again.

She does it by the hour."

"How long has this been going on?"

"About a week, sir. I noticed it first last time I had my day out.

I didn't get in until nearly eleven o'clock, and I found her sitting

at the table havin' supper and talkin' and laughin' like as though

there was folks around."

"She was entirely alone, was she?" asked Thaddeus.

"Yes, sir."

"What did you do when you came in?"

"I said 'Hello' to her and sat down opposite to her at the table,

where there was a place set, and I told her I was glad she had

something to eat and a place set for me, because I hadn't had any

supper and I was hungry, sir."

"Did she make any reply?"

"No, sir. She looked at me kind of indignant, and turned out the

gas and went up to bed, leaving me in the dark."

Thaddeus's brow grew thoughtful again. It wrinkled into a half-

dozen lines as he asked:

"Why didn't you speak of this before?"

"It ain't for me to be telling tales, Mr. Perkins," she said. "All

cooks as I've lived with is queer like, and I didn't think any more

about it."

"All right," said Thaddeus. "You may go. Only, Mary, don't speak

of the plates again to Margaret. Say as little to her as you can,

in fact, about anything. If you notice anything queer, report to me

at once."

The waitress left the room, and Thaddeus turned to his desk. It was

plain from his appearance that light was beginning to be let in on

places that up to this point had been more or less dark to him,

although, as a matter of fact, he could not in any way account for

the mystery of the vanished plates any more than he could for the

sweeping of the library in the still hours of the night. He had an

idea as to who the culprit was, and what that idea was is plain

enough to us, but the question of motive was the great puzzle to him

now.

"If she did take them, why should she?" was the problem he was

trying to solve; and then, as if his trials were not already great

enough for one day, Bessie broke excitedly into the room.

"Thaddeus!" she cried, "there's something wrong in this house; my

best table-cloth is missing, our dessert-spoons are gone, and what

do you suppose has happened?"

"I don't know - a volcano has developed in the cellar, I suppose,"

said Thaddeus.

"No," said Bessie, "it isn't as bad as that; but the ice-cream man

has telephoned up to know whether we want the cream for dinner or

for eleven o'clock, according to the order as he understands it."

"Well," said Thaddeus, "I don't see anything very unusual in an ice-

cream man's needing to be told three or four times what is expected

of him."

"But I never ordered any cream at all," said Bessie.

"Ah," said Thaddeus, "that's different. Did you tell Partinelli

so?"

"I did, and he said he was sure he wasn't mistaken, because he had

taken the order himself."

"From you?"

"No, from Margaret."

"Then it's all right," said Thaddeus; "it's a clew that fits very

nicely into my theory of our recent household disturbances. If you

will wait, I think things will begin to develop very shortly, and

then we shall be able to dismiss this indictment against the cat we

thought we heard last night."

"Do you think Margaret is dishonest?"

"I don't know," said Thaddeus. "I shouldn't be surprised if she had

friends with taking ways; in other words, my dear, I suspect that

Margaret is in league with people outside of this house who profit

by her mistaken notions as to how to be generous; but I can't prove

it yet."

"But what are you going to do?"

"Set a watch. I have sent for a detective," said Thaddeus.

This was too much for Bessie. She was simply overcome, and she sat

squarely down upon the arm-chair, which fortunately was immediately

behind her. I think that if it had not been, she would have plumped

down upon the floor.

"Detective!" she gasped.

"Exactly," said Thaddeus, "and here he comes," he added, as a

carriage was driven up to the door and one of the citizen police

descended therefrom.

"You would better leave us to talk over this matter together," said

Thaddeus, as he hastened to the door. "We shall be able to manage

it entirely, and the details might make you nervous."

"I couldn't be more nervous than I am," said Bessie; "but I'll leave

you just the same."

Whereupon she went to her room, and Thaddeus, for an hour, was

closeted with the detective, to which he detailed the whole story.

"It's one of the two," said the latter, when Thaddeus had finished,

"and I agree with you it is more likely to be the cook than the

waitress. If it was the waitress, she couldn't have stood your

examination as well as you say she did. Perhaps I'd better see her,

though, and talk to her myself."

"No, I shouldn't," said Thaddeus "we'll pass you off as a business

acquaintance of mine up from town, and you can stay all night and

watch developments."

So it was arranged. The detective was introduced into the family as

a correspondent of Thaddeus's firm, and he settled down to watch the

household. Afternoon and evening went by without developments, and

at about eleven o'clock every light in the house was extinguished,

and the whole family, from the head of the house to the cook, had

apparently retired.

At half-past eleven, however, there were decided signs of life

within the walls of Thaddeus's home. The clew was working

satisfactorily, and the complete revelation of the mystery was close

at hand.

The remainder of the narrative can best be told in the words of the

detective:

"When Mr. Perkins sent for me," he said, "and told me all that had

happened, I made up my mind that he had a servant in his house for

whom the police had been on the lookout for some time. I thought

she was a certain Helen Malony, alias Bridget O'Shaughnessy, alias

many other names, who was nothing more nor less than the agent of a

clever band of thieves who had lifted thousands of dollars of swag

in the line of household silver, valuable books, diamonds, and other

things from private houses, where she had been employed in various

capacities. I could not understand why she should have made 'way

with the dishes and Mrs. Perkins's table-cloth, but there's no

accounting for tastes of people in that line of business, so I

didn't bother much trying to reason that matter out.

"After we'd had dinner and spent the evening in Mr. Perkins's

library, the family went to bed, and I pretended to do the same.

Instead of really going to bed, I waited my chance and slipped down

the stairs into the dining-room, and got under the table. At eleven

o'clock the maidservants went up to their rooms, and at quarter-past

there wasn't a light burning in the house. I sat there in the

dining-room waiting, and just as the clock struck half-past eleven I

heard a noise out on the stairs, and in less than half a minute a

sulphur match was struck almost over my head under the table, and

there stood the cook, her face livid as that of a dead person, and

in her hand she held a candle, which she lit with the match. From

where I was I could see everything she did, which was not much. She

simply gathered up all the table fixings she could, and started

down-stairs into the kitchen with 'em. Then I went up to Mr.

Perkins's room and called him. He put on his clothes and got out

his revolver, when we stole down-stairs together, leaving Mrs.

Perkins up-stairs, with her boy's nurse and the waitress to keep her

company.

"In a second we were in the laundry, which was as dark as the ace of

spades, except where the light from four gas-jets in the kitchen

streamed in through the half-open door. Mr. Perkins was for

pouncing in on the cook at once, but I was after the rest of the

gang as much as I was for the cook, and I persuaded him to wait;

and, by thunder, we were paid for waiting. It was the queerest case

I ever had.

"That woman - looking for all the world like a creature from some

other part of the universe than this earth, her eyes burning like

two huge coals, her checks as yellow and clear as so much wax, and

her lips blue-white, with a great flaming red tongue sort of laid

between them - worked like a slave cleaning the floor, polishing the

range, and scrubbing the table. Then she dusted all the chairs,

and, producing the missing table-cloth, she laid it snow-white upon

the table. In two minutes more the lost china was brought to light

out of the flour-barrel, polished off, and set upon the table -

enough for twenty people. The dining-room things I had seen her

take she arranged as tastefully as any one could want, and then the

finest lay-out in the way of salads, cakes, fruits, and other good

things I ever saw was brought in from the cellar. To do all this

took a marvellously short time. It was five minutes of midnight

went she got through, and then she devoted three minutes to looking

after herself. She whisked out a small hand-glass and touched up

her hair a bit. Then she washed her hands and pinned some roses on

her dress, smiled a smile I can never forget in my life, and opened

the kitchen door and went out.

"'She's going to give a supper!' whispered Mr. Perkins.

"'It looks like it,' said I. 'And a mighty fine one at that.'

"In a minute she came back with a pail, in which were four bottles

of champagne, in her hand. This she took into the cellar, returning

to the kitchen as the clock struck twelve.

"Then the queerest part began," said the detective. "For ten

minutes by the clock people were apparently arriving, though, as far

as Mr. Perkins or I could see, there wasn't a soul in the kitchen

besides Margaret. She was talking away like one possessed. Every

once in a while she'd stop in the middle of a sentence and rush to

the door and shake hands with some, to us invisible, arrival. Then

she'd walk in with them chatting and laughing. Several times she

went through the motion of taking people's hats, and finally, if we

could judge from her actions, she had 'em all seated at the table.

She passed salads all around, helping each guest herself. She sent

them fruit and cakes, and then she brought out the wine, which she

distributed in the same fashion. She also apologized because some

ice-cream she had ordered hadn't come.

"When the invisible guests appeared to have had all they could eat,

she began the chatty part again, and never seemed to be disturbed

but once, when she requested some one not to sing so loud for fear

of disturbing the family.

"Altogether it was the weirdest and rummest thing I'd ever seen in

my life. We watched it for one full hour, and then we quit because

she did. At one o'clock she apparently bade her guests good-night,

after which she gathered up and put away all the eatables there were

left - and, of course, everything but what she had eaten herself

still remained - cleaned all the dishes, restored them to their

proper places in the dining-room pantry, and went back up-stairs to

her room.

"Mr. Perkins and I didn't know what to make of it. There wasn't a

thing stolen, and it was clear to my mind that I'd done the woman an

injustice in connecting her with thieves. She was honest, except in

so far as she had ordered all those salads and creams and things

from time to time on Mr. Perkins's account, which was easy enough

for her to do, since Mrs. Perkins let her do the ordering. There

was only one explanation of the matter. She was crazy, and I said

so.

"'I fancy you are right,' said Mr. Perkins. 'We'll have to send her

to an asylum!'

"'That's the thing,' said I, 'and we'd better do it the first thing

in the morning. I wouldn't tackle her to-night, because she's

probably excited, and like as not would make a great deal of

trouble.'

"And that," said the detective, "was where Mr. Perkins and I made

our mistake. Next morning she wasn't to be found, and to this day I

haven't heard a word of her. She disappeared just like that," he

said, snapping his fingers. "Of course, I don't mean to say that

anything supernatural occurred. She simply must have slipped down

and out while we were asleep. The front door was wide open in the

morning, and a woman answering to her description was seen to leave

the Park station, five miles from the Perkins house, on the six-

thirty train that morning."

"And you have no idea where she is now?" I asked of the detective,

when he had finished.

"No," he answered, "not the slightest. For all I know she may be

cooking for you at this very minute."

With which comforting remark he left me.

For my part, I hope the detective was wrong. If I thought there was

a possibility of Margaret's ever being queen of my culinary

department, I should either give up house-keeping at once and join

some simple community where every man is his own chef, or dine

forevermore on canned goods.

JANE

She was quite the reverse of beautiful - to some she was positively

unpleasant to look upon; but that made no difference to Mrs.

Thaddeus Perkins, who, after long experience with domestics, had

come to judge of the value of a servant by her performance rather

than by her appearance. The girl - if girl she were, for she might

have been thirty or sixty, so far as any one could judge from a

merely superficial glance at her face and figure - was neat of

aspect, and, what was more, she had come well recommended. She bore

upon her face every evidence of respectability and character, as

well as one or two lines which might have indicated years or

toothache - it was difficult to decide which. On certain days, when

the weather was very warm and she had much to do, the impression was

that the lines meant years, and many of them, accentuated as they

were by her pallor, the whiteness of her face making the lines seem

almost black in their intensity. When she smiled, however, which

she rarely did - she was solemn enough to have been a butler - one was

impressed with the idea of hours of pain from a wicked tooth. At

any rate, she was engaged as waitress, and put in charge of the

first floor of the Perkins household.

"I fancy we've at last got a real treasure," said Mrs. Perkins.

"There's no nonsense about Jane - I think." The last two words were

added apologetically.

"Where did you get her?" asked Thaddeus. "At an Imbecility Office?"

"I don't quite know what you mean - an Imbecility Office?"

"Only my pet, private, and particular name for it, my dear. You

would speak of it as an Intelligence Office, no doubt," was the

reply. "My observation of the fruit of Intelligence Offices has

convinced me that they deal in Imbecility."

"Not quite," laughed Mrs. Perkins. "They look after Domestic

Vacancies."

"Well, they do it with a vengeance," said Perkins. "We've had more

vacancies in this house to do our cooking and our laundering and our

house-work generally than two able-bodied men could shake sticks at.

It seems to me that the domestic servant of to-day is fonder of

preoccupation than of occupation."

"Jane, I think, is different from the general run," said Mrs.

Perkins. "As I said, she has no nonsense about her."

"Is she - an - an ornament to the scene - pretty, and all that?" asked

Perkins.

"Quite the reverse," replied the little house-keeper. "She is as

plain as a - as a - "

"Say hedge-fence and be done with it," said Perkins. "I'm glad of

it. What's the use of providing a good dinner for your friends if

they are going to spend all their time looking at the waitress?

When I give a dinner it makes me tired to have the men afterwards

speak of the waitress rather than of the puree or the birds. If any

domestic is to dominate the repast at all it should be the cook."

"Service counts for a great deal, though, Ted," suggested Mrs.

Perkins.

"True," replied Thaddeus; "but on the whole, when I am starving,

give me a filet bearnaise served by a sailor, rather than an empty

plate brought in in style by a butler of illustrious lineage and

impressive manner." Then he added: "I hope she isn't too homely,

Bess - not a 'clock-stopper,' as the saying is. You don't want

people's appetites taken away when you've worked for hours on a menu

calculated to tickle the palates of your guests. Would her

homeliness - ah - efface itself, for instance, in the presence of a

culinary creation, or is it likely to overshadow everything with its

ineffaceable completeness?"

"I think she'll do," returned Mrs. Perkins; "especially with your

friends, who, it seems to me, would one and all insist upon

finishing a 'creation,' as you call it, even if lightning should

strike the house."

"From that point of view," said he, "I'm confident that Jane will

do."

So Jane came, and for a year, strange to relate, was all that her

references claimed for her. She was neat, clean, and capable. She

was sober and industrious. The wine had never been better served;

the dinner had rarely come to the table so hot. Had she been a

butler of the first magnitude she could not so have discouraged the

idea of acquaintance; her attraction, if anything, was a combination

of her self-effacement and her ugliness. The latter might have been

noticed as she entered the dining-room; it was soon forgotten in the

unconsciously observed ease with which she went through her work.

"She's fine," said Perkins, after a dinner of twelve covers served

by Jane with a pantry assistant. "I've always had a sneaking notion

that nothing short of a butler could satisfy me, but now I think

otherwise. Jane is perfection, and there is nothing paralyzing

about her, as there is about most of those reduced swells who wait

on tables nowadays."

In August the family departed for the mountains, and the house was

left in charge of Jane and the cook, and right faithfully did they

fulfil the requirements of their stewardship. The return in

September found the house cleaned from top to bottom. The hardwood

floors and stairs shone as they had rarely shone before, and as only

an unlimited application of what is vulgarly termed "elbow-grease"

could make them shine. The linen was immaculate. Ireland is not

freer from snakes than was the house of Perkins from cobwebs, and no

speck of dust except those on the travellers was visible. It was

evident that even in the absence of the family Jane was true to her

ideals, and the heart of Mrs. Perkins was glad. Furthermore, Jane

had acquired a full third set of teeth, which seemed to take some of

the lines from her face, and, as Perkins observed, added materially

to the general effect of the surroundings, although they were

distressingly new. But, alas! they marked the beginning of the end.

Jane ceased to wait upon the table with that solemnity which is

essential to the manner of a "treasure"; she smiled occasionally,

and where hitherto she had treated the conversation at the table

with stolid indifference, a witticism would invariably now bring the

new teeth unto view.

"Alas!" cried Thaddeus, "our butleress has evoluted backwards. She

grins like an ordinary waitress."

It was too true. The possession of brilliantly white teeth seemed

to have brought with it a desire to show them, which was destructive

of that dignity with which Jane had previously been hedged about,

and substituted for it a less desirable atmosphere of possible

familiarity, which might grow upon very slight provocation into

intimacy, not to mention a nearer approach to social equality.

"I don't suppose we can blame her exactly," said Perkins, when

discussing one or two of Jane's lapses from her old-time standard.

"I haven't a doubt that if I'd gone for years without teeth, I'd

become a regular Cheshire cat, with a new, complete edition de luxe

of celluloid molars. Still, I wish she'd paid more attention to the

dinner and less to Mr. Barlow's conversation last night. She stood

a whole minute, with the salad-bowl in her hand, waiting for him to

reach the point of his story about the plumber who put a gas-pipe

through Shakespeare's tenor in Westminster Abbey, and when he

finished, and she smiled, you'd have thought a dozen gravestones to

the deceased's memory had been conjured up before us."

"It's a small fault, Thaddeus," returned Mrs. Perkins, "but I'll

speak to her about it."

"Oh, I wouldn't," said Perkins; "let it go; she means well, and when

we got her we didn't suspect she'd turn out such a jewel. She's

merely approaching her norm, that is all. We ought to be thankful

to have had such perfection for one year. It's too bad it couldn't

continue; but what perfection does?"

Nothing, therefore, was said, and Jane smiled on, yet waited most

acceptably and kept all things decently and in order - for a little

while. Along about Christmas-time a further decadence and

additional flaw in the jewel was discovered, and it was Perkins

himself who discovered it. It happened one day while he was at work

alone in the house, Mrs. Perkins having gone out shopping. A friend

from Boston appeared - a friend interested in bric-a-brac and china

generally. Thaddeus, to whom a luncheon in solitary grandeur was

little short of abomination, invited his Boston friend to stay and

share pot-luck with him, knowing, hypocrite that he was, that pot-

luck did not mean pot-luck at all, but a course luncheon which many

men would have found all-sufficient at dinner. The Boston friend

accepted, and the luncheon was served by Jane. In the course of the

repast the visitor observed:

"Pretty good china you have, Perkins."

"Yes," returned Thaddeus, "pretty good. I've always had a penchant

for china. My mother-in-law thinks I'm extravagant, and sometimes I

think she is right. You never saw my Capodimonte coffees, did you?"

"No," replied the Bostonian, "I never did. Where'd you get 'em?"

"London," replied Perkins, "last time I was over. You must see

them, by all means. Ah, Jane, hand Mr. Bunkerrill one of the

Capodimonte coffees."

"Wan o' the what, sorr?" asked the treasure.

Thaddeus blushed. To have his jewel go back on him at such a crisis

was excessively annoying. "One of those gold after-dinner coffee-

cups - one of the little ones, with the flowery raised figures," he

said, sharply.

"Oh!" said Jane, "wan o' thim with somebody else's initial on the

bottom?"

"Yes," said Thaddeus, fuming inwardly.

"Quite a connoisseur, that woman," laughed the visitor, as Jane went

after the dinner-cup. "She's observed the china mark. She know's N

doesn't stand for Perkins."

Thaddeus laughed weakly. "She probably thinks we got them second-

hand," he said.

"Very likely you did," retorted the Bostonian, and Jane returned

with the desired cup. "An admirable specimen," continued the

connoisseur; and them, turning the cup bottom upwards in search of

the mark, he disclosed to his own and Thaddeus's astonished gaze no

less an object than the remains of a mashed green pea, a

reminiscence of the last Perkins dinner, and conclusive evidence

that at times Jane was not as careful in the washing of her china as

she might have been.

It would be futile and useless for me to attempt to describe the

emotions of Thaddeus. I fancy a large enough number of us having

been through similar experiences to comprehend the man's

mortification and his inward wrath. It was too great to find

suitable expression at the moment. Nothing short of the absolute

destruction of the cup and the annihilation of Jane could have

adequately expressed Perkins's true feelings. He was not by nature,

however, a scene-maker - it would have been better if he had been - so

he said nothing, abiding by his rule, which seemed to be that the

man of the house would do better to reprehend the short-comings of a

delinquent servant by blowing up his wife rather than by going

direct to the core of the trouble and reading the maid a lecture. A

great many men adopt this same method. I do. It is the easiest,

though it is possibly prompted by that cowardice which is latent

with us all. I never in my life have discharged more than one

servant, and I not only did not do it gracefully, but discharged the

wrong one; since which time I have left all that sort of work to

others more competent than I. Perkins's method was precisely thus.

"I'm not going to interfere," was his invariable remark in cases of

the kind under discussion; which was unwise, for if he had even

scolded a servant as he did his wife for the servant's fault he

might have secured better service sooner or later.

Unfortunately, when Mrs. Perkins reached home that night she was so

very tired with her exertions in the shops that Thaddeus hadn't the

heart to tell her what had happened, and when morning came the

episode was forgotten. When it did recur to his mind it so happened

that Mrs. Perkins was out of reach. The result was that a month had

passed before Mrs. Perkins cane into possession of the facts, and it

was then, of course, too late to mention it to Jane.

"You should have given her a good talking to at the time," said Mrs.

Perkins. "It's awful! I don't know what has got into Jane. My

best table-cloth has got a great hole in it, and she is very

careless with the silver. My fruit-knife last night was not clean."

"I suppose YOU spoke to her about that?" said Perkins, smiling.

"Not exactly; I sent for another, and handed her the dirty one,"

returned Mrs. Perkins. "I guess she felt all that I could have

said."

And time went on, and Jane continued to decay. She pulled corks

from olive-bottles with the carving-fork prongs and bent them

backwards. She developed a habit of going out and leaving her work

undone. The powdered sugar was allowed to resolve itself into

small, hard, pill-shaped lumps of various sizes. Breakfast had a

way of being served cold. The coffee was at times merely tepid; in

short, it seemed as if she really ought to be discharged; but then

there was invariably some reason for postponing the fatal hour.

Either her kindness to the children or a week or two of the old-time

efficiency, her unyielding civility, her scrupulous honesty, her

willing acquiescence in any new duty imposed, an impression that she

was suffering, any one or all of these reasons kept her on in her

place until she became so much a fixture in the household, so much

one of the family, that the idea of getting rid of her seemed beyond

the possibility of realization. That the axe should fall her

employers knew well, and many a resolve was taken that at the end of

the season she should go, yet neither Mrs. Perkins nor her husband

liked to tell her so. Her good points were still too potent,

although none could deny that all confidence in her efficiency was

shattered past repair. The situation finally reached a point where

it inspired reflections of a more or less humorous order.

"I tell you what I think," said Thaddeus one evening, after a

particularly flagrant breach on Jane's part, involving a streak of

cranberry sauce across a supposititiously clean plate: "you won't

discharge her, Bess, and I won't; suppose we send for Mr. Burke, and

get him to do it."

Mr. Burke was the one reliable man in town. It didn't make much

difference what the Perkinses wanted done, they generally sent for

Mr. Burke to do it, largely because when he attempted a commission

he saw it through. A carpenter and builder by trade, he had for

many years looked after the repairs needful to the Perkins'

dwelling; he had come often between Thaddeus and unskilled labor; he

had made bookcases which were dreams of convenience and sufficiently

pleasing to the eye; he had "fixed up" Mrs. Perkins's garden; he had

supplied the family with a new gardener when the old one had taken

on habits of drink, which destroyed not only himself but the

cabbages; he had kept an eye on the plumbers; he had put up, taken

down, and repaired awnings - in short, as Perkins said, he was a

"Universal." Once, when a delicate piece of bric-a-brac had been

broken and the china-mender asserted that it could not be mended,

Perkins had said, "See if Burke can't fix it," and Burke had fixed

it; and as final tribute to this wonder, Perkins had said, in

suffering:

"My dear, I'm afraid I have appendicitis. Send for Mr. Burke."

"Mr. Burke!" echoed his wife.

"Yes, Mr. Burke," moaned the sufferer. "If my vermiform appendix is

to be removed, I'd rather have Mr. Burke do it with a chisel and saw

than any surgeon I know; and I won't take ether either, because it

is such a satisfaction to see him work."

So, when this happy pair of house-holders had reached what might be

described as the grand climateric of their patience, and it was

finally decided that Jane's usefulness was a thing of the past, and

utterly beyond redemption, Thaddeus naturally suggested turning to

his faithful friend, Mr. Burke, to rid them of their woes, and,

indeed, but for Jane's own intervention, I fear that course would

have proved the sole alternative to her becoming an irremovable

fixture in the household. But it was Jane herself who solved the

problem.

It was two days after the cranberry episode that the solution came,

and it was in this wise:

"Did ye send for me?" Jane asked, suddenly materializing in Mrs.

Perkins's room.

"No, Jane, I haven't; why?"

The girl began to shed tears.

"Because - you'd ought to have, ma'am. I know well enough that I

ain't satisfactory to you," she returned, her voice quivering, "and

I can't be, and I know you want me to go - and I - I've come to give

you notice."

Then Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane with sorrow on her countenance, for

she had acquired an affection for her which the maid's delinquencies

had not been able to efface.

"Can't you try and do better?" she asked.

"No, ma'am," returned Jane. "Not with the system - never. Mr.

Perkins is too easy, and you do be so soft-hearted it don't keep a

girl up to her work. When I first come here, ma'am, not knowin' ye

well, I was afraid to be anything but what was right, but the way

you took accidents, and a bit of a shortcomin' once in a while, sort

of took away my fear, and I've been goin' down hill ever since.

Servant-girls is only human, Mrs. Perkins."

Mrs. Perkins looked at Jane inquiringly.

"We needs to be kept up to our work just as much as anybody else,

and when a lady like yourself is too easy, it gets a girl into bad

habits, and occasionally it does us good if the gentleman of the

house will swear at us, Mrs. Perkins, and sort of scare us, so it

does. It was that that was the making of me. The last place I was

in, ma'am, I was so afraid of both the missus and the gentleman that

I didn't dare to be careless; and I didn't dare be careless with you

until I found you all the time a-smilin', whatever went wrong, and

Mr. Perkins never sayin' a word, whether the dishes come to the

table clean or not."

"Well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins, somewhat carried away by this

course of reasoning, "you haven't been what we hoped - there is no

denying that; but knowing that you were disappointing us, why

couldn't you have made a special effort?"

"Oh, Mrs. Perkins," sobbed the poor woman, "you don't understand.

We're all disappointin' to them we loves, but - it's them we fear - "

"Then why aren't you afraid of us?"

Jane laughed through her tears. The idea was preposterous.

"Afraid of you and Mr. Perkins? Ah!" she said, sadly, "if I only

could be - but I can't. Why, Mrs. Perkins, if Mr. Perkins should

come in here now and swear at me the way Mr. Barley did when I

worked there, I'd know he was only puttin' it on, and that inside

he'd be laughin' at me. No, ma'am, it's no use. I feel that I must

go, or I'll be forever ruined. It was the cranberry showed me; a

girl had ought to be discharged for that. Dirty dinner plates isn't

excusable, and yet neither of you said a word, and next week it'll

be the same way - so I'm goin'. You won't send me off, so I've got

to do it myself."

"Very well, Jane," said Mrs. Perkins; "if that is the way you feel

about it we'll have to part, I suppose. I am sorry, but - "

The sentence was not finished, for Jane rushed weeping from the

room, and within a few days, her place having been filled, the house

knew her no more, except as an occasional visitor, ostensibly to see

the children. Later she got a place to her satisfaction, and one

night the Perkins were invited to dine with Jane's new employers.

They went and found their old-time "butler" at the very zenith of

her powers. She served the dinner as she had never served one in

her palmiest days in the Perkins's dining-room; and when all was

over, and when Mrs. Perkins went up-stairs to don her wrap to return

home, she found Jane above waiting to help her.

"I am glad to see you so happy, Jane," she said, as the girl held

her cloak.

"Ah, ma'am, I'm not very happy."

"You ought to be, here. Your work to-night was perfect."

"Yes," said Jane, "it had to be, for" - here her voice fell to a

whisper - "I don't dare let it be different, ma'am. Mrs. Harkins is

a regular divvle, and the ould gentleman - well, ma'am, he do swear

finer 'n any gentleman I ever met. It's just the place for me."

And Jane sighed as her old mistress left her.

"Wasn't she great, Bess?" said Thaddeus, on the way home.

"She was, indeed," replied Mrs. Perkins, with a smile. "It's a pity

I'm not a divvle."

Thaddeus laughed. "That's so," he said; "or that I never learned to

swear like a gentleman, eh?"

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