Аннотация: Тоже из цикла Рассуждений в Темноте - 1, и тоже на английском. Так уж повелось...
Set Yourself Free
I have been waiting for this for a long time. I have been dreaming as well as I have been dreading before the same passion that possessed me each and every important moment I had. You know I have been taking many sides, made many unbalanced decisions and even put some people who were close to me into many miscalculated moments and quite awkward situations. Oh, if you only knew, how I hated myself for being so naОve, so lacking what people call sensible forecasting of coming consequences. Well, sounds smart. But nevertheless I was and still am doing things that I can barely answer myself about consequences that inevitably would chase my most inner fears. But I, as every sane, or rather foolish person, have got to err and learn. My goal was to liberate myself from chains of inanity and self-pity. I had to change. I have been waiting for this for a long time. And time has finally come.
We may always underestimate other people's values and achievements or overestimate that one's of ours. There is only one reason and billion consequences of such a behavior - inside we are silent witnesses of perpetual battle between what is good and what is far from good. Said condition has many names: `pangs of consciousness', 'responsible choice-making' or `ethical dilemmas', but the plurality of terms is of little significance. Knowing is not always believing, seeing is not always accepting, but only through acceptance of the principle that we are What and Who we are, can we fathom the meaning of our lives. This substantial thought struck me not so long ago. In truth, it is not so long ago that I was representing everything I am not now. I can say that my inner illusions and misperception of reality made me believe in phantom world of justice and sole luck. This absurd notion, precise antipode of such words like `unbiased', `authentic', `real' was controlling every step I made in my daily life. People, listen to me, never allow these phantom ideas to usurp the substances of yourselves unless you truly wish to become prisoners in your heads, slaves of the whims of shadow director, orchestrating your lives as he wants...
You are the Mozarts of your lives, you write your own biographies, you give the world acts it will remember and only through empirical approach, by erring and learning, can we face reality and find strength to change it, to make it better.
Nothing of huge originality, some will say. Well, I beg to differ. The author of these words is the person who has liberated his mind, his heart and his perception from dreadful delusions. And this is an important part of my life I would like to share with those who find my hero worth compassion.
I serve no more the whims of illogical part of myself; nevertheless sometimes it gives the stimulus to start writing. Anyway, I should warn you. Every word you read is the property of my own inner world, thus every idea, every notion you might see here - is very subjective. You might want to ask me: How can you stand unbiased and objective if you allow speculations based on sensual basis into evidence now?
Quite easily, my friends. The thing is that I have already proved myself that I have a good and yet unsolved potential to change and adopt, to keep silence and shout and, above all, to accept failures and cope with pain. I find it commendable and worth an applause. All my life I have been criticizing myself for not being somebody else instead of being myself. I acted like other people, I talked like other people, even ate and styled my clothes like other people. I was somebody but not self. The moment I realized that this petty imitation of other people's lives makes my life less original and unique, I stopped acting like a fool.
But this thought didn't strike me in the times of need. I lost so many opportunities...so many people in my foolish attempts to fool other people and myself. For this I feel ashamed. But the good point is that I have realized my mistakes if not in right time then not too late. And this is what matters. Don't be late! Don't wait for something to happen, but intend it, deny your masks, return to the roots of who you truly are - be yourself! Even if you find yourself ridiculous or not attractive to other people - don't do what people want to see, but do what makes you happy as you are and then people seeing your happiness and light coming from your eyes will respect and accept you as who you truly are.
This is not a promise. This is a fact that shattered my world and will shatter yours only if you truly want to make your life full of meaning and worth.