Кузнецов Дмитрий Юрьевич : другие произведения.

Government Inspector

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  • Аннотация:
    Almost Nikolai Gogol (The Government Inspector)

Meeting room. Mr.White, Mrs.Gold, Mr.Black, Mr.Green and Mr.Brown enter and take their seats.

Mr.White (switch on a large monitor which is in front of participants, but not seen to the public): I open the extraordinary Meeting of Top-managers of the Division of monitoring of events in Russia... Dear colleagues! I have called you together, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. Soon we'll front the serious inspection.

Mrs. Gold: oops ...

Mr. Black: How "inspection"?

Mr. Green: What "inspection"?

Mr. Brown: Why "inspection"?

Mr. White: I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept dreaming of two rats-regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw the likes of them - black and supernaturally big. They escaped from a sinking ship, and obviously considered me as a meal .. I woke up in time, but as it turned out, only to get the horrible message from Mr. Pink. So I had to announce this meeting ..

Mr. Black: I hope you end your introduction here and tell us, what happened with Mr. Pink today?

Mr. White: As you understand, the case happened not with Mr. Pink, but with Russia. And not today. And do not even yesterday.

Mrs. Gold: If so, what is the urgency?

Mr. White: Soon, the State Department will consider the question, what does our Division do, if such things happen in Russia. And they send the deep inspection, because they have poor phantasy and cannot invent anything else. Maybe it's not very urgent, but we're not in Russia, so I decided not to pull the cat's tail and open all my cadrs right now.

Mr. Green: If the problem is in Russia, what is wrong with our Division?

Mr. White: Because we handle Russia.

Mrs. Gold: But we are monitoring well. We investigate the incident, we'll prepare a report ..

Mr. White: The State Department are not children. If something is happening in Russia, they blame it on us. While Obama, this may be not a big deal, but if some Romney comes, we'll be treated in some pretty.. how to say.. some pretty non-traditional way. Without lubricants.

Mrs. Gold: I'll try to convince them to use some mutually-pleasurable position.. You know..

Mr. Brown (interrupting Mrs. Gold) : Probably you definitely know, that Romney wins.

Mr. White: I do not know, but "al Cuidadoso, el Dios lo cuida". This proverb is popular in Russia.

Mrs. Gold: One nun says this proverb each time when she puts a condom on the diddlo.

Mr. Black: Dear Mr. White. I highly appreciate the lyric discussion you provoke, but, please, tell us, what does Mr.Pink say?

Mr. White: The message is very short, but here are links .. Look!.. Tomorrow the State Department may raise the question how did we allow this. Is it seen to everyone?

Mr. Black: In my opinion, nothing special. Normal Russian idiocy. In Russia, is so during a century.

Mr. Green: For this century, it is too much. I agree with Mr.Pink.

Mr. Black: Among thousands of Russian officials, couldn't we find a hundred smart persons to make them ministers, judges and "deputats"?

Mrs. Gold: The main criterion was the complete dependence on our department. And they are completely dependent. But they are extremely incompetent. We have to follow each their step. And they are much more numerous than we are.

Mr. Brown: Yes, it's idiotic, and this rolls over. I think they tried to do better, then, as usually..

Mr. White: I see that everyone understands what happened. So, I summarize. For decades, we help the most corrupted and dependent on us administrators to take leading positions in Russia. We have the tremendous success: All the ministers, "deputats", governors, directors and large businessmen are completely dependent on our banks. We have full control of the Duma. The "List of Magnitsky", as you know, are ordinary criminal executives. Only servants. We continue to hold all their "elite", including the president, for .. (Looks at Mrs. Gold.)

Mrs. Gold (finish): For their balls. Don't worry, Mr. White, are all in team.

Mr. White: Thank you, Mrs. Gold. So, we've crashed them completely..

Mr. Brown: As I understand, the "crash" happened to be too complete, and now it may affect us?

Mr. White: Yes.

Mr. Black: I think, in this case nothing is too much.

Mr. Green: Mr. White, I understand, we are losing the competitor?

Mr. White: We lost them as a Competitor in the last century. But in their idiocy, it is now becoming clear to everyone, even to our taxpayers. Despite all the monkey's jumps and "reboot"s.

Mr. Green: I see. The Pentagon may be shortened the funds.

Mrs. Gold: If the Pentagon loss the foundation, they'll be furious with us.

Mr. White: I see, you get the matter.

Mr. Black: You can drop to wikileak more technological secrets.

Mr. Brown: And they'll be picked up the Chinese.

Mr. Black: Then pass these secrets directly to the KGB agents.

Mr. Brown: In Russia, already there are no professionals who could use these secrets.

Mr. White: Mrs. Gold, how many illegal KGB agents do we trace?

Mrs. Gold: A couple of dozen. But it is useless. While any information passes through the KGB chain, it goes to China, both Koreas, Iran, etc.. And only then to the Russian institutes.

Mr. White: In principle, China could be used as a scarecrow.. But if the Chinese expansion into Russia continues, the Chinese may become not a puppet, but a real, dangerous enemy. And we'll be responsible for this. We'll be between Sara and Hillary as an egg between hammer and sickle, as Russians say. Therefore, we need to think, how to save Russia.

Mr. Green: I may order Putin, Tkachev, Gundiaev, Bastrykin and other puppets not to make any decision without to consult with us. Over-vice, they repeat the same error again and again.

Mr. White: It's not about Putin. I doubt if we can drive Russia in the manual regime from here. You see, we have to track and handle all, not only their ministries, but the executives too! We can not keep enough staff to duplicate all the Russian administration. In addition, the time zone: something happens there, and we all asleep already..

Mr. Green: I think that we have gone too far bribing their officials. They are too many and they are too stupid. Russian governors already can't do ANYTHING without our guidance.

Mr. White: I confess, it's my fault. We had chosen the project by Mr. Black, instead of to work with the draft by Mr. Brown. Excuse me, Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown: Better late than never.

Mr. White: Do you mean, You know a solution for the present?

Mr. Brown: Yes, of course. I suggest to eliminate some extra agents gradually.

Mr. White: What mechanism should we use?

Mr. Brown: As a first step, let the Russian parliament approve a law restricting the right of governmental employees to have a property abroad.

Mr. Green: Do you hope, after that, some ministries will be able to resolve some questions by themselves? Without our daily guidance?

Mr. Brown: Yes.

Mr. Black: Shall't we loose all our agents there? If a revolution happens in Russia, they'll be killed. Those who run away, will be caught by the Interpol.. Well, for us, they are lost anyway.

Mr. Brown: I said, GRADUALLY. Putin and Churov, for example, formally, are not at the governmental service. So, the new Law will not touch them at all, and we keep our main handles.

Mr. White. How many agents should we preserve there, in order to keep total control over Russia?

Mr. Brown: I think, ten bribers at the top are enough. Assuming that they have some other qualities in addition to their crimes.

Mrs. Gold: I would prefer our agents to be non-corrupted. I mean, they should be American citizens.

Mr. White. Me too. As Russians say, "Make a fool to pray to God - he breaks the altar with his rod!"

Mr. Green: I would not like to risk with American citizens.

Mr. Brown: Let's not deviate from the topic.

Mr. White: So.. In my opinion, everyone understood the proposal by Mr. Brown. I suggest: Not later than next week, the Russian parliament gets the project of a bill that prohibits to ministers and governors to own property in other countries.. As a by-product, we reduce the concentration of criminals in the USA.

Mrs. Gold: Good. It will be easier to trace them.

Mr. White: Any objections?

Mr. Brown: I agree.

Mr. Black: No objection.

Mrs. Gold: No objection.

Mr. Green: No objection.

Mr. White: Thank you. It is important that this bill goes quickly through the Duma. Mr. Brown, please prepare the text of the bill for the Russian Duma. Mrs. Gold, please update the files of deputies of the Duma, who can be declared as authors and promoters of that bill. Mr. Green, please contact the puppet opposition, let them prepare the support of the bill. Mr. Black, please, provide a discussion of this idea at the First Russian channel.. Well, at other too. This should appear as the Russian all-nation initiative. I'll order Putin and Surkov not to resist much. Let them express some skeptics, provoke the discussion and then agree.

Mr. Brown: Switch out Mr.Peskov for a while.

Mr. White: OK.

Mrs. Gold: don't forget to communicate Mr.Medvedev, let him shut-up for a month.

Mr. White: Yes, of course. I'll order Medvedev to stay out of this.. If all agree.. (pause).. I close the Meeting. (Turn off the monitor)

All leave.

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/3735/3735-h/3735-h.htm Nicolay Gogol. THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL. Translated by Thomas Seltzer from the Russian.
http://samlib.ru/k/kuznecow_d_j/revisor.shtml Ревизор. (The Russian version of this text)
Copyleft 2012 by Dmitrii Kouznetsov. This text may be use for free, attribute http://samlib.ru/k/kuznecow_d_j/revisore.shtml

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